Very few repurcussions…

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Do you realize that if I died today, very few repurcussions would follow? One of the most annoying is that I would not be attending the rest of the semester, but would not be available to officially withdraw. My grades would all drop to F’s, and even in death I would be a failure. Another thing that would happen if I died would be that my family would incur at least a few thousand dollars of debt, what with sky-rocketing funeral expenses. Even only with cremation the cost is no less than $1200. Since my family makes less than six times that in a year, this would only add to their misery. Of course, since they’ve already got tens of thousands of dollars of debt and seem to be doing alright, I suppose a few thousand more wouldn’t really hurt.

Then again, other than human misery and pain because of their irrational inability to deal with death, there really aren’t any other important side effects. My death, since someone somewhere dies (on average) once every one and a half seconds, would truly be unimportant. Bad grades, higher debt for my family, and any irrational mourning by the people in my life really isn’t that bad, and won’t really last very long after I’m gone. Since there is someone born somewhere every 2/3 of a second, there are plenty of people to take my place; I will not be missed if you look at the whole.

Better than some things

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Sometimes I just wish that this would all go away; no more of anything at all to complicate reality. Then again, what fun would there be if there was nothing to do or think about? I know, because I spent a lot of time in such a situation, that it is more fun sometimes than the trivial everyday situations and complications that are presented me. However, does this really make nothing better than something, or just better than some things?

. . .

Friday night I put on some makeup (I appeared to be pale as this page on every inch of visible flesh), added a drop of blood to my lower lip, stepped into a skirt and blouse, and went to Thunderbird HS’s Halloween dance with my girlfired, Addie. As are most HS dances, it was fairly cliquish, and there was a fairly small amount of dancing, not to mention the fact that the only dancing going on was older than most of the people there. Luckily, I don’t know how to dance, and was thus spared having to do such a thing.

My fingers seem to be numb…

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

My fingers seem to be numb, my writing a little slow; perhaps I should start wearing warmer clothes than a T-shirt and shorts. I noticed, as I rode my bicycle slowly to school (slowly only to reduce the speed of the brisk wind against my unprotected face and hands) that it was beginning to get colder and colder each morning, and that my hands were sending less and elss messages to my head. Perhaps, I thought as I began to lose not only vital feeling, but simple motor control, there should be something done to protect myself from the approaching winter. But how could I do this? Should I wear gloves, and if I do, will it help at all? In the past, my gloves have been ineffective until I have cycled several miles down the road, and now I have only about one mile to ride; should I don my gloves a few minutes or hours before I leave my home? Should I consider moving to the Saharan Desert, where it is nice and warm all year ’round, and I don’t need to worry about buying warm winter clothes? I have been planning on it, actually; as soon as I can afford it, I’m hoping to move to, if not the Saharan Desert, somewhere without a winter or a lot of humidity. I LOVE a dry heat, and even a dry cold seems out to get me.

Reality for lease by owner

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

In an effort to sublet my portion of reality, which I do not use full-time anyway, I have had my legal department draw up some papers for a time-share lease on my allotment of reality. So then, I have to market it, find an appropriate buyer that will pay the right price and not misuse or unuse it. Which means that at this point, either I give the project to my marketing department, or I use my networking power to have some of my high-paid, high-power friends suggest someone which might fit well into my reality when I’m not using it, who would be capable of maintaining their relative sanity from the seemingly odd perspective of my reality. Of course, the main problem is not (necessarily) that my reality is enough to drive a man insane, but rather that to the untrained individual, living in a reality not their own is highly disorienting, even to the point of relative insainty, although my specific reality would drive even the most trained & experienced mind at least a little insane. So, if YOU know anyone with a high income and a strong mind that might like to sublet my reality, please say something.

Is happiness worth the pain?

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

I find that in my pursuit of happiness, a lot of the things that will lead me to my future happiness, or that would end a lot of my current pain are things that right now cause me more anguish and sufferring than I’m sure the happiness is worth. Of course, since I have had little to no experience with happiness in the past; an isolated incident here or there, never sustained or supported; so I’m just not sure that it’s something I really want in my life. I have been told that happiness is great, that happiness makes your life better, that I should be happy, but as I do more and more to be happy, my life is becoming less and less stable, more and more painful and troublesome, and although there’s a promised future of peace and calm, I’m not sure that it’s worth the trouble. Then again, I wonder whether happiness is better than I know. With my inexperience in this area, it is not too far a leap that I am wrong, that happiness is so wonderful that it is worth any pain that stands in its way.

I hope I decide soon; indecision here is causing even more pain than sticking to it will, and makes the decision even harder.