[post transcribed from a paper journal]
I find that in my pursuit of happiness, a lot of the things that will lead me to my future happiness, or that would end a lot of my current pain are things that right now cause me more anguish and sufferring than I’m sure the happiness is worth. Of course, since I have had little to no experience with happiness in the past; an isolated incident here or there, never sustained or supported; so I’m just not sure that it’s something I really want in my life. I have been told that happiness is great, that happiness makes your life better, that I should be happy, but as I do more and more to be happy, my life is becoming less and less stable, more and more painful and troublesome, and although there’s a promised future of peace and calm, I’m not sure that it’s worth the trouble. Then again, I wonder whether happiness is better than I know. With my inexperience in this area, it is not too far a leap that I am wrong, that happiness is so wonderful that it is worth any pain that stands in its way.
I hope I decide soon; indecision here is causing even more pain than sticking to it will, and makes the decision even harder.