Registration started yesterday

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Registration started yesterday. I heard that the first person in line showed up at 2:30AM… A lot of people showed up at 6:30 or 7:00, and had to wait in a line that wrapped around inside the entire length of the building for some number of hours (usually at least 1.3). I, being a highly skilled procrastinator, had not remembered that registration was starting, and had not yet thought about what classes to take. Luckily, there’s telephone registration, and I have the amazing ability of creative organization of time/space, and had thrown together a nice looking schedule with all the classes I absolutely needed, and a few that I would have needed after a while anyway, in just a few minutes. At which point I called the telephone registration number, and was informed by a recording that the telephone registration was “not available” (until 3:30, 5 minutes later). So I spent the 2 minutes before and the 2 minutes after 3:30 trying to get back through to the telephone registration, hoping to be put on hold… and at last I was. And for only about half an hour, as well. Then I got an actual person, who was qquite helpful, and I actually got into all of the classes that I had wanted. Quite an accomplishment, I hear. Oh well, at least next semester I won’t have any classes on any Fridays.

Life is just not worth living…

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Today, for my COM110 class, a Learning Contract is due. This is an assignment that I haven’t even STARTED writing. Luckily, it’s only worth 1/3 of the total grade in the class, and there’s absolutely no way that I could possibly pass the class without it. Heck, what’s the difference? One “F” isn’t that bad, is it? Just because they’ll probably cancel my financial aid because of it is no reason to start worrying. I can just go get a job and earn the money I need for classes.

Just because I’ve never had a job before, have no desire to work, and would probably show so little profit from the hundreds of hours of work that I would only have enough money to take a couple of classes, and do nothing else. Not to mention the way my parents will react when they find out that I didn’t do a major assignment, or that I’m failing a class and have ruined my future by doing it. I probably will no longer be ablt to go out as often, and will have more attention pain to my work at school. More pressure to succeed, and less recreation, and more stress, and more stress, and more stress. Just looking ahead to the pain and torture, I hope I crack and kill myself before too long. Life’s just not worth living…

a painful, negative, self-destructive day.

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Today is going to be, from my point of view – my experiences and feelings, a painful, negative, self-destructive day. The mere fact that I have decided to fast today, that is, I’m not going to eat or drink anything until it’s tomorrow, is going to do odd things to me anyway. My mother decided to wake me up today, just because it was time to be out the door on the way to my class she thought that I shouldn’t be lounging half-naked in the warm darkness of my bed, but instead that I should be more properly dressed (though not any more warmly) and outside in the cold, hungry and half asleep, trudging my way slowly to my inevitably dismal English class. Then, after expressing this to me in much fewer words, my mother walked away without sliding my door back into place; the cold air and harsh light had apparent pleasure in filling my room with their inherent pain and torturing me quickly into a negative emotion set. Now everything is tinted black, sa though through a pair of peril-sensitive sunglasses that have realized that Everything is bad and are determined not to let me see any of this horrible life. Even my feelings of happiness and mirth are dripping with pain and self-torture. And look at all the dancing faeries dancing around and round your head, reminding you that every second there’s another person dead. Don’t you wish it was you, so that you could never feel this way again…

I wish someone would notice…

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Ahh… Monday, meaning that I’ve just finished a weekend; and what a weekend it was, or could have been. Was it a good weekend, a bad weekend, or perhaps the sort of weekend that you’re just not sure about? I think it was all three of those, and maybe something more. And why, specifically, was it such a weekend? Was there some main thing adjusting my weekend, or was it just a coincidental complication of events? It might have been both, and if it was, was there anything certain about this weekend?

Sigh… I have noticed that in comparison to seemingly average people, I react much less than they do – to anything. What would drive most people into an angry rage merely makes me feel a bit disturbed, and things that severely disturb the average person have little to no effect on me. I have been advised to react more honestly to how I feel, and that seems to make sense, but through years of not reacting I have trained myself not to feel. Or at least not to let myself KNOW that I feel.

Sometimes I don’t even know I feel bad until I see that I’ve made it overcast and rainy. Sometimes I don’t even know it’s raining; just that I feel bad enough to cry… I wish someone would notice…

Cold again this morning

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Yesterday I went to the State Fair and gave them all my money for a few hours’ entertainment. I took my girlfriend Addie and basically doubled the cost. Of course, since she was there, the amount of fun I had must have at least tripled. I won her a little brightly colored stuffed cow, which I later named “upholstered” by letting one of those guys convince me to give him all my money to throw a little ball. We went on the new ride, The Evolution, and while I was spinning around upside down I lost 50cents… oh well. I also got a cool paper bracelet which cost so much that I’m not sure I want to rip it off; it cost so much it must be worth a couple days’ wear and tear.

Cold again this morning, and if I hadn’t been wearing a T-shirt and shorts every day for the last few weeks I would have had trouble getting to school through the chilly air.

Bbbbrrr…