[post transcribed from a paper journal]
Today, for my COM110 class, a Learning Contract is due. This is an assignment that I haven’t even STARTED writing. Luckily, it’s only worth 1/3 of the total grade in the class, and there’s absolutely no way that I could possibly pass the class without it. Heck, what’s the difference? One “F” isn’t that bad, is it? Just because they’ll probably cancel my financial aid because of it is no reason to start worrying. I can just go get a job and earn the money I need for classes.
Just because I’ve never had a job before, have no desire to work, and would probably show so little profit from the hundreds of hours of work that I would only have enough money to take a couple of classes, and do nothing else. Not to mention the way my parents will react when they find out that I didn’t do a major assignment, or that I’m failing a class and have ruined my future by doing it. I probably will no longer be ablt to go out as often, and will have more attention pain to my work at school. More pressure to succeed, and less recreation, and more stress, and more stress, and more stress. Just looking ahead to the pain and torture, I hope I crack and kill myself before too long. Life’s just not worth living…
Sounds like someone else I know…
Was there something that might have helped you at the time that could’ve been done to help this? If you think of anything maybe someone else could benefit from you having gone through it before?
Sounds like someone else I know…
Was there something that might have helped you at the time that could’ve been done to help this? If you think of anything maybe someone else could benefit from you having gone through it before?
Well, let’s see if I remember what I did…
I continued to attempt suicide every couple of months for probably two years before and maybe a year and a half after this was written.
I was going to school because it was what was expected of me, but I didn’t figure out what I wanted to study or do with my life for another six or seven years after this was written. It wasn’t until I knew what I wanted to do/study and why I might want to do well in school was related to something I cared about that I began applying myself and getting assignments done on time and doing well in school.
The only times I was even close to happy or felt good were when I was with a girlfriend, which not very much after this led me to try to get married, to sort of insure that I’d always have someone around who cared about me… after three failed engagements I was so disheartened about my ability to maintain a relationship (and thus in my ability to maintain my only source of happiness) that it effected every area of my life and I finally failed out of school.
As you may have noticed, I still haven’t developed any kind of real desire to work; money is not a motivator for me, except that I have a responsibility to pay back my debt. When I started getting engaged I did start working, but it had nothing to do with what I wanted to do, and I was just going through the motions. And I was right; working full time I could only afford (financially) to take two classes at a time, and I didn’t have much time left over between work and classes to do much else. Right now I’m working on the furniture because it’s what dad wants to do and is sure will make money; I plan to pay off my debt and save up money to go back to school – I’m still not doing something I like to do.
So – how do I do it? How do I pass classes and build furniture and stay motivated? Just barely. But it’s that I have some idea of what I want to do – I want to study art and work on my art. And if that means I have to do assignments I’m not interested in well and on time in order to get to what I want, it’s just a matter of “keeping my eye on the prize” and remembering that the reason I’m doing it is so that I can be a better artist. And if I have to work with dad to get my furniture done, I have to try to remember that the point is to get back to school so I can become a better artist. If I didn’t have that goal, I wouldn’t have any motivation to build furniture except to pay my bills, I wouldn’t have the goal of going to school, I’d have no path, I’d be paralyzed and flailing.
And in case you haven’t been reading my blog, I still feel the same ways, generally. I’m depressed and I’m not keeping up and getting furniture done fast enough, I’m unhappy about being single and still focused on trying to find a partner – because yes, really, when I was in a relationship is the most happy bits of my memory. Even the happiest moments of creating art or writing were related to love or a relationship. They’re my goals because though not nearly as good are the next best thing to companionship, and are ridiculously enhanced by my being in love. But I don’t have that. Haven’t had that in a long while. I sleep in until noon or … three in the afternoon, I eat and overeat emotionally … I’m not painting, I’m not writing new stories, I’m barely working on furniture, and I write endlessly about being depressed and about lost love and …
and why did you think I could help?
I haven’t stopped feeling this way entirely. And what little progress I’ve made was after a decade of trying to figure out what I wanted and coming up with a ghost (art) to chase. Without the idea of “Art”, I would not have the motivation to pass classes or work or any of it. I didn’t go through it before as much as I’m still going through it, still struggling with it.
For anyone facing this sort of problem, the only thing I can recommend is to either figure out something they like to do and chase after being able to do it, or to make something up they can at least convince themselves partially they like to do, and chase that. Perhaps having something one is or pretends to be motivated by is the key.
Well, let’s see if I remember what I did…
I continued to attempt suicide every couple of months for probably two years before and maybe a year and a half after this was written.
I was going to school because it was what was expected of me, but I didn’t figure out what I wanted to study or do with my life for another six or seven years after this was written. It wasn’t until I knew what I wanted to do/study and why I might want to do well in school was related to something I cared about that I began applying myself and getting assignments done on time and doing well in school.
The only times I was even close to happy or felt good were when I was with a girlfriend, which not very much after this led me to try to get married, to sort of insure that I’d always have someone around who cared about me… after three failed engagements I was so disheartened about my ability to maintain a relationship (and thus in my ability to maintain my only source of happiness) that it effected every area of my life and I finally failed out of school.
As you may have noticed, I still haven’t developed any kind of real desire to work; money is not a motivator for me, except that I have a responsibility to pay back my debt. When I started getting engaged I did start working, but it had nothing to do with what I wanted to do, and I was just going through the motions. And I was right; working full time I could only afford (financially) to take two classes at a time, and I didn’t have much time left over between work and classes to do much else. Right now I’m working on the furniture because it’s what dad wants to do and is sure will make money; I plan to pay off my debt and save up money to go back to school – I’m still not doing something I like to do.
So – how do I do it? How do I pass classes and build furniture and stay motivated? Just barely. But it’s that I have some idea of what I want to do – I want to study art and work on my art. And if that means I have to do assignments I’m not interested in well and on time in order to get to what I want, it’s just a matter of “keeping my eye on the prize” and remembering that the reason I’m doing it is so that I can be a better artist. And if I have to work with dad to get my furniture done, I have to try to remember that the point is to get back to school so I can become a better artist. If I didn’t have that goal, I wouldn’t have any motivation to build furniture except to pay my bills, I wouldn’t have the goal of going to school, I’d have no path, I’d be paralyzed and flailing.
And in case you haven’t been reading my blog, I still feel the same ways, generally. I’m depressed and I’m not keeping up and getting furniture done fast enough, I’m unhappy about being single and still focused on trying to find a partner – because yes, really, when I was in a relationship is the most happy bits of my memory. Even the happiest moments of creating art or writing were related to love or a relationship. They’re my goals because though not nearly as good are the next best thing to companionship, and are ridiculously enhanced by my being in love. But I don’t have that. Haven’t had that in a long while. I sleep in until noon or … three in the afternoon, I eat and overeat emotionally … I’m not painting, I’m not writing new stories, I’m barely working on furniture, and I write endlessly about being depressed and about lost love and …
and why did you think I could help?
I haven’t stopped feeling this way entirely. And what little progress I’ve made was after a decade of trying to figure out what I wanted and coming up with a ghost (art) to chase. Without the idea of “Art”, I would not have the motivation to pass classes or work or any of it. I didn’t go through it before as much as I’m still going through it, still struggling with it.
For anyone facing this sort of problem, the only thing I can recommend is to either figure out something they like to do and chase after being able to do it, or to make something up they can at least convince themselves partially they like to do, and chase that. Perhaps having something one is or pretends to be motivated by is the key.
“More pressure to succeed, and less recreation, and more stress, and more stress, and more stress. Just looking ahead to the pain and torture, I hope I crack and kill myself before too long. Life’s just not worth living…”
This was the main part of the post that I was mentioning. I do read your blog and know that you are still depressed and sometimes suicidal, that while you are constantly looking for love you can’t/won’t/don’t find it. I am glad that your desire to persue a career in art has helped in providing a reason to live. I was thinking of your little brother who says and feels much of the same sentiments. I was thinking of a previous debate on efforts he should or should not be making to create metal workings to create an income. I see that you are hoping to incite a passion within him. He is saying the same thing that you said once upon a time, that the pressure and punishment only add to the stress and desire to no longer exist. I am asking you to think back and ponder what, if anything could have been to ease this pain. Are you are saying that nothing could (in his case) or could have been done (in yours). There must be something that a person can do to finally break the cycle and help someone in our family to succeed instead of just giving up. I am not asking what you did, but what might have been done to ease this suffering.
“at least convince themselves partially they like to do, and chase that. Perhaps having something one is or pretends to be motivated by is the key.”
This didn’t help you, many people tried to convince you to persue what seemed to interest you and that seems to have only added to the pressure.
Maybe sometimes we just need a shoulder to cry on? Maybe sometimes we just need acknowledgement that “Yes, This sucks. It’s okay that it sucks. It’s not you, it’s the situation.”
I don’t know how to make people feel better, how to stop failing out of school or how to take an interest in their future. Maybe you don’t either. I just thought that I would ask.
“More pressure to succeed, and less recreation, and more stress, and more stress, and more stress. Just looking ahead to the pain and torture, I hope I crack and kill myself before too long. Life’s just not worth living…”
This was the main part of the post that I was mentioning. I do read your blog and know that you are still depressed and sometimes suicidal, that while you are constantly looking for love you can’t/won’t/don’t find it. I am glad that your desire to persue a career in art has helped in providing a reason to live. I was thinking of your little brother who says and feels much of the same sentiments. I was thinking of a previous debate on efforts he should or should not be making to create metal workings to create an income. I see that you are hoping to incite a passion within him. He is saying the same thing that you said once upon a time, that the pressure and punishment only add to the stress and desire to no longer exist. I am asking you to think back and ponder what, if anything could have been to ease this pain. Are you are saying that nothing could (in his case) or could have been done (in yours). There must be something that a person can do to finally break the cycle and help someone in our family to succeed instead of just giving up. I am not asking what you did, but what might have been done to ease this suffering.
“at least convince themselves partially they like to do, and chase that. Perhaps having something one is or pretends to be motivated by is the key.”
This didn’t help you, many people tried to convince you to persue what seemed to interest you and that seems to have only added to the pressure.
Maybe sometimes we just need a shoulder to cry on? Maybe sometimes we just need acknowledgement that “Yes, This sucks. It’s okay that it sucks. It’s not you, it’s the situation.”
I don’t know how to make people feel better, how to stop failing out of school or how to take an interest in their future. Maybe you don’t either. I just thought that I would ask.
“This didn’t help you, many people tried to convince you to persue what seemed to interest you and that seems to have only added to the pressure.”
Yeah. Well. It added to the pressure because it gave me the false belief that people have interests. That I might have interests. That I should figure out what I was interested in. And the pressure was to be interested in something. But I’m basically not. I’m basically just depressed, but I eventually gave up and figured out that most people just arbitrarily select something at their “interest” and stick with it – so instead of continuing to try figuring out what I was interested in, I decided to try to select something arbitrarily and then try to convince myself that I was interested in it enough to do it. Which is part of why I have so many things (writing, painting, comics, coding, etc…) – none of them maintains my interest for very long.
If I ever figure out what I’m interested in (besides companionship), I’ll let everyone know. For now I’m sticking with the list of arbitrary things I selected a couple of years back.
“I am not asking what you did, but what might have been done to ease this suffering.”
Well, perhaps if someone had explained to me that there’s no such thing as interests, that people don’t actually like things but instead just pretend that they do and/or convince themselves that they do – Really, that I didn’t need to figure out what I ACTUALLY like, but just to select something I don’t hate and suffer through it – I might not have spent seven-plus years trying to figure out what I want (and thinking and writing endlessly about how to determine what one wants, in the hopes of helping people if I ever figured it out) and might have just moved on to … whatever mindlessness this life is supposed to be.
“This didn’t help you, many people tried to convince you to persue what seemed to interest you and that seems to have only added to the pressure.”
Yeah. Well. It added to the pressure because it gave me the false belief that people have interests. That I might have interests. That I should figure out what I was interested in. And the pressure was to be interested in something. But I’m basically not. I’m basically just depressed, but I eventually gave up and figured out that most people just arbitrarily select something at their “interest” and stick with it – so instead of continuing to try figuring out what I was interested in, I decided to try to select something arbitrarily and then try to convince myself that I was interested in it enough to do it. Which is part of why I have so many things (writing, painting, comics, coding, etc…) – none of them maintains my interest for very long.
If I ever figure out what I’m interested in (besides companionship), I’ll let everyone know. For now I’m sticking with the list of arbitrary things I selected a couple of years back.
“I am not asking what you did, but what might have been done to ease this suffering.”
Well, perhaps if someone had explained to me that there’s no such thing as interests, that people don’t actually like things but instead just pretend that they do and/or convince themselves that they do – Really, that I didn’t need to figure out what I ACTUALLY like, but just to select something I don’t hate and suffer through it – I might not have spent seven-plus years trying to figure out what I want (and thinking and writing endlessly about how to determine what one wants, in the hopes of helping people if I ever figured it out) and might have just moved on to … whatever mindlessness this life is supposed to be.