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Do you remember when I wrote about wanting Modafinil (Also known as Provigil), six months ago? Or when I was talking about it 12 months ago? Or … perhaps you were reading my mind and knew I wanted it back before it was out of FDA trials? (It was approved in 1998, btw, for narcolepsy.)

Well, WIRED has an article about it (and some other sleep/wake-related drugs in development) this month, so now … I don’t know… they say it may become easier to get… but if every geek is trying to get their hands on it… will it become easier or harder?

How is is possible I’m ahead of the curve of WIRED magazine? They predict things years in advance that never happen… or at least haven’t happened yet. Back in 1997 they devoted dozens of pages to explaining the details of the hydrogen-cars that would be 5%-25% of the new cars by last year. Damnit, where are my hydrogen cars?!?

Couldn’t allow the posts for the day to just set there at fourteen, no could we?

Not that I really have anything to say.

I was just going to bed. Not getting things done as quickly as I’d like to be. I mis-read the deadline of the only project I’ve got in the works with a real deadline, and it turns out I have a lot more time than I thought. Still not enough time to really do what I want to do (Seriously, I got this idea, and the final comic should be around seven feet tall and twenty-one feet wide. On your screen. And yet I have to try to get two complete (or semi-complete) stories into only six “panels” each. Except that what I want to do … well, each panel is at least 6″x8″, photo-realistic, well, maybe both… and then there’s the mural-sized background image which … well, unless my dad gives me time off heavy lifting (which, in retrospect, he could have done today, and hardly missed me) I doubt I’ll have the background the way I want it when I reach the deadline.) so I may end up either giving up or downsizing the quality … or something, but I think it’s a good idea. And the painting I’ve been actually working on lately … needs some digital work done… and some geometry done … and I may have to ask my little brother to do the geometry, because I can’t remember this little bit and he’s in Geometry right now… Bah. It may turn out to be trigonometry or calculus, and I may end up just inventing a new way to calculate it. Do other painters need math for stuff like this? Do other painters DO stuff like this? I’m sure that when I’m done you wouldn’t even be able to guess that I’d used math at all, let alone what part I’d used it on… unless we’re both standing in front of it and I explain it. The math USED TO be evident in my art, but more and more it’s … a tool to get what I want on the canvas.

And I can’t really complain, because they’re all volunteers, but up to eight Mouse artists may be entirely AWOL (that’s over half the panels moving from ‘assigned’ to ‘GOD DAMN IT, FUCK THIS STUPID FUCKING PROJECT, I HOPE MOUSE ROTS IN HELL FOR ETERNITY FOR HAVING ENTERED MY MIND, BECAUSE THAT’S HOW LONG IT WILL BE BEFORE THE GOD DAMNED THING IS FUCKING DRAWN!!!’), and only one person who volunteered to help me edit my novel has even finished reading it, and as far as I could tell, it was almost entirely typos that she caught… which is either a good thing, because the story works and the characters make sense, or a disappointing thing, because it either made so little sense that she didn’t know WHAT to say about it or she was afraid to say there was anything about it that she didn’t like or thought ought to be re-worked due to our relationship. So, yeah, neither of those things is going as quickly as I’d hoped, but I really have no room or place to complain, considering it’s an entirely volunteer population working on them.

And my relationship with Laura is out of sight, but on my mind … and either the next time I hear from her at any length we’ll work things out and continue our relationship in one capacity or another, or … or she’s simply not the woman for me right now, different in fundamental positions regarding meaningful inter-human relationships, and it’s all really as ‘over’ as it feels right now. And… and… And I’ve almost come to terms with the waiting, so that each day is like a single moment stretching outward, not weeks upon weeks, but a single difficult moment that will pass with the sound of her voice… a time outside of time, into which I have put a piece of my heart.

And … and… and I’m tired and sore … and sore in ways that don’t make sense … and I’m going to bed… and I guess I had something to say after all. I suppose forcing myself to write is the way to get it done.

Do you have a Smelly Ass Hole?

Don’t try to lie, I know you do. So do I.

And so does everyone else I know.

Finally, a product fit for anyone to wear, the Smelly Ass Hole T-Shirt!

There is the Basic design and the Alternate design, as well as a fashionable apron that any cook would be proud to wear… Especially if it were the only thing they were wearing, and they’re in management.

Get it?

Anyway, share these Smelly Ass Hole products (the first in a line of products coming to you over the next few months) with anyone you know who has a Smelly Ass Hole of their own. They’re sure to appreciate the gesture.

I will only explain one of these links, and it is the one that took up the least of my time tonight.

http://www.frightnight.org/ – they give you a ‘random’ first panel and you try to create a thirteen panel comic that follows from it (theoretically in a horror/halloween/scary sort of way) before October 17th… So I emailed ’em for a ‘first panel’ and we’ll see if I have any ideas and/or time to work on them between now and then. I’ll do my best to at the very least to a stick-figure comic to submit.

http://www.metacortechs.com/ – I’m not saying much, but here’s a clue: See how deep the rabbit hole goes on this one. It may be “real”.

My mood has shifted, lifted, and this afternoon as I was closing up the store I found myself singing “Singing in the Rain” (well, a variation slash medely by Mandy Patinkin I haven’t heard in ages) to myself, and found the words “happy once again” echoed in me, resonated within me. There are some reasons for this and some non-reasons as well. Some of them have to do with an escalating level of self-abuse culminating in enough pain and suffering and potential damage beyond my self and my possessions and into the lives of those around me and those I care about … that being what seems to get me to turn around. I can stand all manner of torture and damage being done to myself by myself, but when my pain, my “bad” moods, my destructive and confronting natures get out of hand and begin to be directed at others, it’s too much, and I can’t but stop myself. My self-loathing (as far as my life’s experience has shown me) is my business and my business alone, but when it extends to actions and words that affect other people, it becomes other peoples’ business, too.

And perhaps I want too much to maintain a barrier between myself and others or perhaps because I actually care about other people, I don’t want to allow my own internal troubles to find their way into other people’s lives.

Regardless, despite what disbelievers would say, the trick to being happy is to decide to be, and somewhere in the last day or two I must have made that decision, because I could literally feel the “bad” feelings and low mood flowing out of me… I slept a long night, did not think about how I felt all day, and by the end of it couldn’t keep myself from noticing how well I felt.

And then there was 30 or 50 minutes where I was working on an email to Laura and I didn’t feel so hot … likely because although I have decided to be happy and am happy, there are still unhappy and confused and confusing things in my life, complicated and perhaps painful things on the horizon… and deciding to be happy does not wash them away… well, not while one is dealing directly with them. Then I sent the email off, and before long, I felt right as rain again.

Continue reading Not so bad anymore