Couldn’t allow the posts for the day to just set there at fourteen, no could we?
Not that I really have anything to say.
I was just going to bed. Not getting things done as quickly as I’d like to be. I mis-read the deadline of the only project I’ve got in the works with a real deadline, and it turns out I have a lot more time than I thought. Still not enough time to really do what I want to do (Seriously, I got this idea, and the final comic should be around seven feet tall and twenty-one feet wide. On your screen. And yet I have to try to get two complete (or semi-complete) stories into only six “panels” each. Except that what I want to do … well, each panel is at least 6″x8″, photo-realistic, well, maybe both… and then there’s the mural-sized background image which … well, unless my dad gives me time off heavy lifting (which, in retrospect, he could have done today, and hardly missed me) I doubt I’ll have the background the way I want it when I reach the deadline.) so I may end up either giving up or downsizing the quality … or something, but I think it’s a good idea. And the painting I’ve been actually working on lately … needs some digital work done… and some geometry done … and I may have to ask my little brother to do the geometry, because I can’t remember this little bit and he’s in Geometry right now… Bah. It may turn out to be trigonometry or calculus, and I may end up just inventing a new way to calculate it. Do other painters need math for stuff like this? Do other painters DO stuff like this? I’m sure that when I’m done you wouldn’t even be able to guess that I’d used math at all, let alone what part I’d used it on… unless we’re both standing in front of it and I explain it. The math USED TO be evident in my art, but more and more it’s … a tool to get what I want on the canvas.
And I can’t really complain, because they’re all volunteers, but up to eight Mouse artists may be entirely AWOL (that’s over half the panels moving from ‘assigned’ to ‘GOD DAMN IT, FUCK THIS STUPID FUCKING PROJECT, I HOPE MOUSE ROTS IN HELL FOR ETERNITY FOR HAVING ENTERED MY MIND, BECAUSE THAT’S HOW LONG IT WILL BE BEFORE THE GOD DAMNED THING IS FUCKING DRAWN!!!’), and only one person who volunteered to help me edit my novel has even finished reading it, and as far as I could tell, it was almost entirely typos that she caught… which is either a good thing, because the story works and the characters make sense, or a disappointing thing, because it either made so little sense that she didn’t know WHAT to say about it or she was afraid to say there was anything about it that she didn’t like or thought ought to be re-worked due to our relationship. So, yeah, neither of those things is going as quickly as I’d hoped, but I really have no room or place to complain, considering it’s an entirely volunteer population working on them.
And my relationship with Laura is out of sight, but on my mind … and either the next time I hear from her at any length we’ll work things out and continue our relationship in one capacity or another, or … or she’s simply not the woman for me right now, different in fundamental positions regarding meaningful inter-human relationships, and it’s all really as ‘over’ as it feels right now. And… and… And I’ve almost come to terms with the waiting, so that each day is like a single moment stretching outward, not weeks upon weeks, but a single difficult moment that will pass with the sound of her voice… a time outside of time, into which I have put a piece of my heart.
And … and… and I’m tired and sore … and sore in ways that don’t make sense … and I’m going to bed… and I guess I had something to say after all. I suppose forcing myself to write is the way to get it done.