3/28/00

I believe I am waiting. I believe I am waiting for Alison. For her to be ready or for her to figure out what she wants is not necessarily me. I know I am waiting for Sara. For her to get older, in years as well as as a person.

I am so tired. I ache. I do not know what it is about being me that makes me feel this way. I do not know what it is about being alive that makes me want so much to lay down and die. I have tears in my eyes and i am short of breath. I do not know why I am this way; I just am.

Continue reading 3/28/00

3/20/00

Today is a very long day. I am not sure that I believe that it is still Monday. Shouldn’t it be much later in the week by now? I was working so long and hard all weekend that it feels like the end of the week. Then again, on my 5x6x10 calendar, today IS the end of the week. Yet should the days off be at the beginning of the week or the end? I guess it is arbitrary. The beginning and the end are the same thing. Look at how it compares to the 7-day weeks most people use these days. Today is the first or second day of that week and the 5th of mine. I do not know why I feel like it should be the end of the week, except that I would like to sleep again tomorrow instead of waking up. I do not feel that waking up will be conducive to the sort of contented healthy goodness I want to feel; I want to just lay there drenched in warmth for hour after hour, day after day, rest and do nothing and see no one and catch up with myself. Catch up with myself. I think I need more time to myself, somehow. I do not know why I feel that I am not by myself just because there is someone in the next room or soon to be in the next room. I do not feel I can be myself when I am being someone else’s me? I thought I got over that. I thought I was myself. I guess there is more myself than there used to be, but that there are still parts of me that are tailored to the people around me. I am also still very aware of where the people around me are and what their opinions of … everything I can get from them are. mindreading has become second nature.

Today is Friday

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Today is Friday, the 8th of December.

Which might not mean much to you, and it might not mean much to me either. Alas, it does.

This morning, around the same time I was trying to make myself get out of bed, my girlfriend (Addie) was driving off towards the airport. Today she leaves for Europe, where she will spend the next 10 days with her brother. She has never been to Europe, and it should be very interesting and educational for her. She doesn’t know exactly which countries she’ll be visiting, or how she’ll be spending her time – it’s to be a surprise – but I’m sure her brother has a wonderful week planned for her.

Then again, as she frolicks about in Europe, I get to set around here, doing normal, everyday things. Except that now I have a week (and more) of time that Addie won’t be there for. Luckily, I’m such a lonely person that if one important person, say . . . Addie, wasn’t there to talk to or do things with, I would have no one else. I would be (am now) able to sit around all day staring at the walls, counting the microseconds as they slowly tick by. I can now lay around depressed with no one to bring me up, no one who loves me. Too bad it’s only going to last 10 days. Maybe I can get bad enough to kill myself.

A big hole

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

So there’s this hole in the front tire of my bike, and it’s probably an inch and a half across. I don’t know how it got there, except that that tire has seen a couple hundred thousand miles of travel. Perhaps it’s just too old. So, I’m going to have to buy a new tire, so that I can get to and from school the next couple of weeks. Which is money I don’t have to spend on Christmas gifts for people. Being economically challenged, I have a small, limited amount of money to spend on Christmas gifts. So small, in fact, is the money that I have for Christmas, buying the new tire will almost divide my money in half. Half gone, half left.

So anyway, I have a big hole in the front tire on my bike. I still need to get to school, and this morning there was no new tire to put on my bike. My father has suggested that I take the tire off his bike, and put it on my own, but I couldn’t find the right wrench. Then time was running short anyway, so I ran inside and got permission to use dad’s bike instead. His bike is an old “Suburban” with big handlebars, a rear-view mirror, splash-guards, a big comfy seat, and all of it half worn-out but still good. Bicycles just aren’t like they used to be; my father’s bicycle will probably last another 20 years.