I believe I am waiting. I believe I am waiting for Alison. For her to be ready or for her to figure out what she wants is not necessarily me. I know I am waiting for Sara. For her to get older, in years as well as as a person.
I am so tired. I ache. I do not know what it is about being me that makes me feel this way. I do not know what it is about being alive that makes me want so much to lay down and die. I have tears in my eyes and i am short of breath. I do not know why I am this way; I just am.
It is late. so often for me, it is late. Hours and hours to while away and so many aspirations that go unfulfilled because of this or because of that. So many things I could have been doing that I didn’t do. I don’t know where to take myself, what to do with myself. I don’t know where or how or who I want to be. It eats me up inside just thinking about it. It eats me up because all I ever do is that – just think about it. I do not seem to act on the things I think about. Then again, perhaps I just need to decide what I want. I need to focus on the first monkey. Get my desire in order before I begin to think, and before I begin to think about my desire.
What do I want? I keep saying “to live in New York,” but I do not do anything about it. I do not make plans. How soon, and for how long do I want to live in New York? When does my flight leave? Where will I stay? Where will I work? I guess I should figure out how much it costs to live in New York City. That will be the first step. Then I can start to think about making plans to go there. Saving a few months worth of expenses to get on my feet and get moving. Enough time to find a job. I know I can find apartments without leaving the comfort of my home, perhaps I can find an apartment in NYC this way. I will look. I want to go, and I don’t see anything really standing in my way right now. My responsibility to the lease can be fulfilled in only ~$1450. My commitment to my job can be cancelled at any time with two weeks notice. My commitment to Modern Evil can be fulfilled from anywhere I can access the internet. I do not need to be where I am. I do not have a commitment to Tempe. I am not married, and therefore do not need to take into account whether anyone wants to move with me. I do not have children, so I do not have to take into account the expense that a move is with them along. I have few friends, and calling them costs me just as much from wherever I am in the US. This is definitely something I can do. I can definitely look into this. Make a plan. Go to NYC. After that, who knows; the world?
There is so much else I want. Always on my list of things I want, things to do is “Build a permanent colony on the Moon.” This is for later. For a while I have wanted to travel the world, spend a few years abroad, learn something about other places to be. I have only ever been in this place & though I suspect that everyplace where there are people the important things stay the same, I would like to find out for myself. I would like to taste the air on another continent and bring a little of it back home with me. Wherever home ends up to be. I would like to bathe in the Ganges and see if I don’t like real German beer as much as I don’t like American beer. I woulld like to walk across and around as much of the world as will allow me to, and see what there is to see. Before I settle down. Before I choose a place to settle down, i want to get an idea of the other places there are in the world to settle down in.
I also want to maintain the basics of life. I want food in my belly and water to drink. I want to have someplace warm to sleep at night. A roof over my head. These things and the knowledge that they are secure in my life. If i have these things and they are secure, all other things can change or even disappear and I would remain at least content with my life. Perhaps not interested or fulfilled, but content. I love going to lunch every day. The feeling of being hungry and then of being full in the middle of every day. Wonderful. Knowing that the pangs of hunger I am feeling will be satiated is a wonderful thing to hold on to. I get what I need to survive and so much more. I am thankful for this bounty.
Yet I want more. I want High-Speed internet access. I could settle for ADSL or cable. What I want from my internet access is so much more. I know that it is prohibitively expensive, yet that does not stop me from knowing what I want. The T1 at work seems slow to me. It took forever to download a mere 50Mb the other day to get the Q3Demo for my laptop, and I want it to take only as long as it takes to write 50Mb to my HD. Which really should be one of the new FireWire drives. 400Mb/sec. seems about fast enough for now. I want to have time and ideas enough to create a new pair of Diablo strips every week. To catch up with my Diablo strips, now five months behind. I have the tools. I just need to get to work.
Still, I want more. More distant things, like “I want to live alone in the woods.” Just seperated from society. Nature all around. High-Speed internet connection via satellite, of course, but distance between myself and my neighbors that cannot be breached by voice alone. I want to live in a place where I can have peace and quiet to get things done in and the freedom to just crow at the top of my lungs for hours on end or sob until there is nothing left in me. Without having to even think about explaining myself to the world. Without someone trying to understand or comfort me. This would be wonderful. To be alone, yet able to share my creativity with the world. Later. First, I will meet the world I am going to seperate myself from.
And Love. And Love. And Love. And Love.
I do not know what I would be without love. Some sort of automaton, I guess. Moving and being without really living or feeling. I was like that once. I blocked everything I had from myself and from everyone around me. I stumbled through life without addressing what my heart was telling me, without even recognizing that there was a heart in me. I learned to love at the frustrated outcry of someone who loved me, whom I have lost. I learned to open myself to every other thing my heart has to offer from this. I have begun to teach my heart and my mind to work together with my desire and I have begun to become a whole being. Without the love of someone else to wake me up to this, without my own love for others teaching and driving me on, without the mere concept that there is love in the world to be cherished and shared, I would be nothing and I would be nowhere. I want to have and be in and share Love. I know that I CAN be alone, but I also know that I am never alone when I have love, and that being in Love feels a lot better than being alone. I do not think I can just go find love, but I am always on the lookout for it. Love could show up at any time. I have to be ready for it. I have to be ready to just let go and be a part of it. I think I am ready for Love.
I am getting tired and this is getting long. My right eye thinks it should definitely close soon. It is threatening mutiny, and that can get quit messy. Damn. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. What will I do tomorrow?
