3/20/00

Today is a very long day. I am not sure that I believe that it is still Monday. Shouldn’t it be much later in the week by now? I was working so long and hard all weekend that it feels like the end of the week. Then again, on my 5x6x10 calendar, today IS the end of the week. Yet should the days off be at the beginning of the week or the end? I guess it is arbitrary. The beginning and the end are the same thing. Look at how it compares to the 7-day weeks most people use these days. Today is the first or second day of that week and the 5th of mine. I do not know why I feel like it should be the end of the week, except that I would like to sleep again tomorrow instead of waking up. I do not feel that waking up will be conducive to the sort of contented healthy goodness I want to feel; I want to just lay there drenched in warmth for hour after hour, day after day, rest and do nothing and see no one and catch up with myself. Catch up with myself. I think I need more time to myself, somehow. I do not know why I feel that I am not by myself just because there is someone in the next room or soon to be in the next room. I do not feel I can be myself when I am being someone else’s me? I thought I got over that. I thought I was myself. I guess there is more myself than there used to be, but that there are still parts of me that are tailored to the people around me. I am also still very aware of where the people around me are and what their opinions of … everything I can get from them are. mindreading has become second nature.