I have felt a little smothered, though I realize now that I have behaved in precisely the same manner with other people. Is it unfair of me to hold other people to a standard that I myself have failed to meet in the past, or is it too forgiving for me to allow others to trespass in a way that I would not allow myself? He really is a great guy, and he seems to have the right idea about what a relationship should be about, but … there are a couple of things on my mind.
Category: Journal
Multiplicity of entries
Would you believe that this is the third simultaneous window I have open for entering text onto the site? I have so many things to say, and I very nearly went to bed without finishing them. One of them has been begun since last night before I went to bed, because I knew I had to wake up in the morning. I don’t have to wake up tomorrow morning. I have no plans. I guess I could work on the lawns some more, maybe clean up around the house, go out and see some movies, whatever, but I certainly don’t have to do it in the morning. I can stay up writing as long as I want.
This presents me with an interesting conundrum. Certainly this post will be done soon, and show up as a Friday entry, but will I be able to finish either of the other two active entries in the next 13 and a half minutes, or will they show up as Saturday entries? Does it matter? If they were intended to be coherent, they would be in the same post, right?
I suppose everything will work out fine in the end.
What a funny feeling
I keep thinking to myself that “I’d rather be doing this with Jen.” I was sitting here just now, watching television by myself, being a little silly, and her face when she laughs, the sound of that laughter, occurred to me. Just played lightly across the surface of my mind. It felt good.
I hardly know her, though I’ve known her for years. She’s thousands of miles away, but closer to me than Sara in more ways than physically.
Depression v. Creativity
So lately I’ve been feeling a little down. By lately, I mean the last several weeks… no less than three, definitely, possibly as many as … 6? I don’t know for sure. By a little down, I mean something between a bitter melancholy and deep, raging nihilistic depression. Luckily, through years of careful training, I am now able, even in the throes of deepest, darkest depression, to get out of bed and get things done.
How long can this go on?
I am soooooooo tired.