So lately I’ve been feeling a little down. By lately, I mean the last several weeks… no less than three, definitely, possibly as many as … 6? I don’t know for sure. By a little down, I mean something between a bitter melancholy and deep, raging nihilistic depression. Luckily, through years of careful training, I am now able, even in the throes of deepest, darkest depression, to get out of bed and get things done.
I can go to work and complete the job for which I am paid (though I recently found myself too emotionally taxed to “go the extra mile” and I skipped a meeting I was expected at). I eat, I drink, I sleep. I can even pursue creative endeavors. I was able to begin and complete a painting, and I have continued work on outstanding projects. I have taken part in purely social activities, and maintained normal responses to my environment.
I’m really quite good at being depressed. I don’t even mind it so much, since I also know very many ways to distract myself from the pain (ie: movies, computer games) for a while. I have found though, that when something does not go as planned due to my own actions (or inactions) the depression doesn’t let me bounce back as easily as I normally would.
Like, the painting I was working on was supposed to be lifted in three stages, from three different scenes of the movie. I finished my first attempt at the first one the night before last, and saw it for the first time last night. It was awful. I screwed up some of the coloration, and the Transparent Gel I was using as a base got a lot of purple in it from the brush I used to apply it, so the result is basically crap. I am very disappointed in the result, and my depression makes me want to just give up on the entire project and move on to something else. Don’t try to fix it, don’t try to do the other two at all, just give up.
Normally I would not consider just giving up like that. I would see what my mistakes were and start over again and try to do it right. (I haven’t got it right with Sara yet, but not even my depression will get me to give up on her.) I noticed it as it happened last night. I saw myself viewing my work and feeling very down and then felt my depression cut off my immediate response of something like “We’ll have to try that again!” and replace it with something like “Bollocks!”
I don’t know what will end up happening. I’m sure everything will work out just fine in the end. I just don’t know about the in-between.