I have felt a little smothered, though I realize now that I have behaved in precisely the same manner with other people. Is it unfair of me to hold other people to a standard that I myself have failed to meet in the past, or is it too forgiving for me to allow others to trespass in a way that I would not allow myself? He really is a great guy, and he seems to have the right idea about what a relationship should be about, but … there are a couple of things on my mind.
I have had many right ideas about the way things should be, about the ways that I should be, that I have not fulfilled through my words or actions. Can I expect him to truly believe and live up to the ideal that he presented to me verbally, or should I trust the instinct that tells me that people say whatever they think you want to hear to get into bed with you? Well, he’s already been in bed with me, and I was pretty resistant to much of anything happening there; I don’t want to take things too fast with anyone. Not strange new people, not old friends. Especially with old friends (Jen) on my mind. I don’t think I could go to bed with him again right away, and I think he wants me to, and … when I’m around him I just want to make him happy. I guess he’s charismatic.
Except for the other thing on my mind. He’s called me several times in the last week, and we seem to run out of things to say right away. It could be something else, but … what if we really don’t have anything to say to each other? Our conversations on Sunday in person seemed to go okay, but we had crutches of conversation starters like “Tell me about yourself” and “What do you want?” (those of you not familiar with that line in the context of Teel may misinterpret that; if you’re among them, try to ignore it altogether.) I couldn’t have any kind of lasting relationship with someone I couldn’t have a meaningful conversation with (which may be part of what drove Sara further away), and I don’t even want to think of him only being interested in me for my body.
I realize that, yes, there are people who are interested in me for my body. I have been told in no uncertain terms by four or five people in the last three weeks alone that I “look great.” In those words by every one of them. When these words came out of his mouth, I understood that they could easily fall into the category of trying to get me into bed (except that we were in bed together at the time), but no less than two of the people who said it were definitely NOT interested in pursuing a physical relationship with me. They were just making an observation.
Which is great, and it makes me feel good about all the work I’ve put into losing weight and dressing well and presenting as positive an attitude as possible, except that I still feel pretty mushy where I want to be flat and pretty flat where I want to be bulgy. And my hair IS getting better at doing what I want it to do, but sometimes it means I have purple feet and scalp, and other times it just seems to be there to frustrate me. What was my point? Oh yes.
I realize there are people that are interested in me for my body, but I seem to have increasingly little tolerance for physical relationships. Not just because I’m out of practice(It’s midnight now.), but because although it can be an important component of a successful relationship, I am much more interested in the other (more foundational) aspects of relationships (like open and honest communication, love, and deep sharing of one’s whole life) and believe that the physical should follow naturally afterward. Not the other way around. Certainly the initial interest in meeting another person and getting to know them often comes from an immediate physical attraction, and that is important because without it the physical intimacy would not be easy or natural, but there should certainly be more developed from that initial glimpse of interest.
Sure, hearing his voice and his tone just energizes me, but trying to pursue the kind of worthwhile relationship that is the only kind I could consider would be not only difficult but problematic for both of us, and our friends. I really do want to take some time to be normal by myself in my new house. I really do feel like an ascetic, and maybe that is what pushes me to deny myself whatever happiness this man represents. Asceticism is a lot about intentional self-deprivation. It comes very naturally to me. Trying to train myself to indulge has become very expensive and not as fulfilling as I’d hoped.
I think I’ll end up pushing him away, one way or another, and not very far off from now in time. I feel like it is for the best. Best of what, I am not sure, but I certainly don’t have an emotional investment in him yet, he’s just this great guy I met. And I’m just the sky, you know?
