Author: Teel

Author, artist, romantic, insomniac, exorcist, creative visionary, lover, and all-around-crazy-person.

Migraine Post

When I woke up this morning, I thought it was just a severe headache, maybe a sinus headache from sleeping in a house I’m allergic to… But severe…
And I took a gram of tylenol and 600mg of Ibuprofin and an antihistamine and a decongestant spray and I set down and tried to read email and look at the web while I waited for the drugs to take over.
But the pain just kept getting worse instead of better, and my vision started to go, too.
Did you know this entire house seems to be entirely flooded with sunlight, front to back, in every room? Even in rooms where the only window is covered, the light just seems to be streaming in. Maybe I’m extra sensitive to light right now, though.
And it got worse and worse and worse and I turned the volume down on my computer’s music and turned it down and turned it down and then it was off and the lowest possible ‘on’ setting still seemed too loud, somehow.
And I took another gram of tylenol and another 600mg of ibuprofin, and I walked away from my computer and tried laying down and covering my eyes, and even with my palms pressed flat against my eye sockets it seems too bright in here…
And I haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday… I was planning on having some breakfast, but … I have no appetite right now… just a headache… And all those drugs should be in my bloodstream by now, it’s more than half an hour since the second batch… but my head still hurts and I can see less and less out of my right eye…
And I started digging through the extensive collection of pills (mostly vitamins and herbal crap) here at the house, thinking maybe the sinus pressure is making the migraine worse, trying to find an actual decongestant pill… and I found a pill the right color to be a decongestant, but the foil-backed bubble-pack-thing it was in wasn’t really labelled completely and I could find no box for it… but it said it was just one drug, one I haven’t taken any of yet, and that I could take up to one pill in 24 hours… so I took it… that was about ten minutes ago, and wow, my sinuses sure are clearing up fast. I haven’t breathed this well in a while. And yet the headache is just as bad.
Ooh, hey… some of the vision seems to be returning to my right eye, only to be replaced with additional pain deeper in my head!
I’m pretty sure migraines are caused by the same blood pressure problems that will give me a stroke later in life. What a thing to look forward to.
Oh, God, why me? Why this pain? Ohhhhhh….
I’m going to go try taking a warm shower, see if that’s help. I don’t know, I just want to at least be distracted a little from the severe pain-ness.
fuck. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK! FUCK!!

I’m not here to play a game

After getting her number, call only to make a date – do not attempt to chat with her yet. Before the first date is over, ask to see her again but do not expect to actually make plans. If she tells you to call her the next day, wait two days before calling her to make plans for a second date – again, do not attempt to chat; call only to make plans. The second date should be her choice, but preferably something that doesn’t allow the two of you much time alone together. Wait until after at least two dates before letting her know you’re interested in her. Then, if you seem too interested, she won’t be interested in you, or if you don’t seem interested enough, she’ll be insulted. Also be polite, but remember that if you are too polite or not polite enough she will not want to continue dating her. If you are able to keep up the exact level of apparent interest and civility that she is looking for for at least two or three weeks, you’re probably ‘dating’, but unless absolutely necessary don’t ask.

**********

WHAT!?!?!?

I suppose that under the right circumstances, with practice and training, I might be able to do something like this. I tend definitely to fall into the ‘overdoing it’ camp, though. I’m not sure I know how to ask someone for a phone number without letting her know I’m interested in her. It would be hard for me to have someone I was interested in getting to know on the line and not talk to them. It’s hard for me to believe that a relationship would work where after half a dozen dates when I thought (or verified) that I was dating someone exclusively, I suddenly began to show them my actual level of interest in and attraction to them which I had been falsely representing for the first several weeks; am I supposed to keep pretending I’m not as interested as I am, and if so, for how long? How is this healthy?

I AM a smothering person. Am I missing something here? Am I supposed to be someone other than myself indefinitely, or is there some magical point where I’m allowed to start behaving the way I naturally do?

I am handicapped though, by my life’s circumstances. I don’t typically leave the property in Pine (except to get the mail) five times in two or three weeks. I don’t have a real income source to ‘pay for everything’ on dates. I don’t have ready transportation to even meet for dates.

…Erg…

The whole thing must be an improbable dream I have, with no connection to the reality I’m living. Some of it could have been possible in the years in between, when I was living in the middle of an urban center, earning money… but even then I didn’t really have much in the way of transportation. I think … probably if it had occurred to me how important a connection people seem to make between one’s vehicular availability and whether or not they will even consider someone romanticly … if I had known how the cost of a car and gas and maintenance and insurance and all that goes with that related to my ability to begin and maintain relationships … I might have wanted a car at 16 like everyone else. Something about it … didn’t make sense to me … mostly still doesn’t … that people tend to decide not to bother getting to know people who use means of transportation alternate to personally owned motor vehicles.

(Or people who are interested in them, for that matter…)

Are these the ‘valuable skills’ I never picked up? Dishonesty and misrepresentation and guessing games? Should I just go get that book on ‘the rules‘ and memorize it, even though it goes against what my heart and mind tell me is right? Why can’t I tell someone I’m interested in that I’m interested in them? Why can’t I open up to someone about who I am and where I’ve been and how I feel and what I want without violating some imagined boundary? Without upsetting or offending or scaring off somebody? Not because something I am or somewhere I’ve been or something I’ve felt was scary, offending, or upsetting, but the fact that I was honest and open about it was.

***

I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated. Maybe that’s why I never ‘let myself’ experience the ‘dating scene’ for very long … it seems like the ‘scene’ isn’t about healthy human interaction but manipulation, dishonesty, and games-playing. I just want intimacy, companionship, and happiness in an open, honest environment. I’m not desperate, I’m just interested. Actually, just having looked up desperate at dictionary.com, I am ‘extremely intense’, definition number seven. I don’t know. I’m getting sleepy. My head aches. I don’t want to face a world where I have to play mind games to reach companionship.

Why doesn’t the rest of the world believe in honesty?

Okay, here I am

I’m in Phoenix this week. Monday through Friday. 123 through 132.

Wednesday night at around 18:30MST at the Denny’s at the intersection of 32nd Street and Bell Road, Modern Evil Virtual Book Club will be meeting. You’re welcome to join us.

Wednesday night at the Harkins North Valley theatre at 11:20PM in theatre number 8, I will be watching The Matrix Reloaded. Definitely. I have the tickets for myself and my brother and sister and father & will shortly be buying them for a couple of other friends of mine.

Thursday morning I will head down to Fry’s Electronics to buy Enter The Matrix for XBox, get the strategy guide, and some other odds and ends I need there. Then at some point during the day or evening on Thursday I will go see The Matrix Reloaded again.

I don’t seem to recall any other definite plans for my time here other than the helping my father with the construction efforts here at the house. Theoretically, my sister and I (and probably my brother as well) will head down to Tempe to shop at Utrecht & play around at Gameworks, perhaps tomorrow night… I don’t know for sure. I’d love to spend some time with my other friends, though. Maybe I could do lunch with you, or we could get together for drinks after work or something. Call me.