Check the basement for dead hookers

Take a look at The Onion’s Home-Buying Tips, including such helpful tips as this:

“The first step in buying a new home is having much more money than you do now. “

AND

“Make sure the neighborhood has a good high school, one close enough to see with a telescope.”

PLUS

“Avoid purchasing a home that is on fire or underwater. “

I’ll certainly keep tips like these in mind when shopping for a home next year.

Two more things:

First, Also check out The Onion’s Weekly Horoscopes, with wonders like these:

“The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.”

AND

“No matter how many children you abduct, you can’t seem to garner national media attention. Next time, stick to pretty white girls.”

Second, this seems to be the 400th post on FYTH. Hooray 400 posts on FYTH! It looks like the first post was May 8th, 2001, so that’s 400 posts in 477 days… I’m such a slacker.