I should be sleeping right now. I am tired and awake at the same time. Hot and cold. A little upset that I’m not upset anymore. And by anymore, I am referring how upset used to be a way of life for me. Depressed wasn’t something I did for a few days or a few weeks, it was like my hair or my eyes, it was something I always had with me. Now I’m very comfortable with almost every aspect of my life, and I’ve identified what I like doing and how I’d like to live my life, and I’m doing what I can to stay headed in that direction. Now I do everything I can to not have hair, and anyone who’s spent much time with me in recent years has seen me try to gouge my own eyes out, and I’m just not depressed anymore. Sometimes the one or two bits of my life that I haven’t got a handle on start to get to me and I feel almost like what depressed was for a few days or weeks, but it’s not like before. I just don’t seem to have it in me. Too much in my life is going well, too much in myself is how I want it to be. I just can’t sustain a foul mood anymore. Usually within a day, at most a few days, and I find myself bubbling over with laughter, consumed with joy for one reason or another and realizing that it’s just not that bad. No matter how hard I try after that, no matter how deep my funk was beginning to be, I just can’t sink into it properly again.
“I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Down in my heart. Down in my heart. I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Down in my heart to stay.”
I just can’t escape it. And I know I asked for it. I remember the moment, though not the day on the calendar. If I had known what I was asking for, I don’t know what I would have done. You see, there is so much creativity to be had in despair. So much hope to be had when you’re looking up from the bottom. So much art comes out of depression and depravitiy and this darned joy just won’t let me get down to that level. I look at all these beautiful things around me, music and art and literature and movies and so much more, and so much of it is born out of loss and pain and fear and hope for something better than the stink and depravity of the creator’s life. Even when my home is at its messiest and I’m as financially strapped as I get, you can still see the floor and people still come over and say ‘this is nothing’ and I can still pay my bills, and I can still see the point not too far away when I will be financially comfortable again. Not matter how dark it gets, there’s always a light, and I know everything is going according to the plan. Even though I don’t know the plan, it’s still all too comforting knowing that it’s all going according to plan anyway. I just can’t seem to get upset about how things are going, because I know none of it is a surprize to the one that really matters, and that if things were supposed to have gone any other way, they would have.
Wait. I don’t want to babble about predestination vs. free will here. I actually believe in both. I don’t see how it all being laid out ahead of time implies that someone else is making my decisions for me; they simply knew which decisions I was going to be making on my own before I did. Anyway. What WAS I going to babble about? Oh yes. Being a stalker.
Man O Man. I’m a sad sort. More stalker than ever, I’m afraid. But now too aware of it to want to keep it up. I used to just do occasional searches, occasional cold-calling, occasional mailing a few letters out into the void, hoping to perhaps make contact with Amanda. If you don’t know who Amanda is, read my entries right around the new year about how I think I may have seen her then. If you do know who Amanda is, you know that my behaviour concerning her has been a little creepy. Unless it turns out she’s interested in resuming communication with me, in which case, it was admirable. That’s the thing about stalking and sexual harrasment; if the advances are welcome, neither one is a crime.
At this point I’ve got my Amanda-hunting down to about twice a year paying 800-US-SEARCH to let me know if they know where she is. A couple years ago they gave me an address in Scottsdale where she used to live, but no forwarding address was available, and the people living there, though they knew her, were no help. This last winter (I search right before Christmas, and right before her 4th of July birthday), they still didn’t have a new address for her, but were able to provide me several years of back addresses for her mother and two AKAs for her mother (married and re-married, she has several names), though attempts to contact the most recent address for her mother proved fruitless. So now it’s almost 4th of July again, and I’m at that point where I’m thinking about Amanda more than normal, and I’m thinking about how I should try to find her, so at the very least I don’t have to keep spending over $100 a year on someone I haven’t seen in five.
Then I remember the other person I’m very nearly stalking. This one is worse than Amanda because this one told me the last time she saw me, right before she fled the country (somewhat to escape me), that she didn’t ever want to be more than friends with me, and that being friends with me might be too much for her. I feel very needy. I guess I want too much, or think I want too much, and it smothers. Anyway, she’s now 3500 miles away and won’t be coming closer for another three years at the soonest and I keep pining too much for her. I keep emailing her and IMing her and I have sent her a good many packages, and in recent weeks even began calling her in her own home. I keep pricing tickets to fly out to where she is, and I fear that one day I will become serious enough to actually go get a passport so that when the mood strikes me one day I’ll be able to just hop on a plane.
What makes it worse is that Sara, the stalking victim that I know where lives, keeps encouraging me by saying that I’m not stalking her, or that she returns the endless love I profess for her. Strange how being 3500 miles apart isn’t much different from being 35 miles apart when neither of us could drive. Strange how we both learned to drive at the same time, at the same school, just moments (or it seems like moments) before she flew away from me. We are each trying to live our own lives, yet intertwined deeply with each other. She’s still sure we’ll never really be together, and I’m still sure we belong together, and she doesn’t always disagree with me on that, but the best I can look forward to is that she still has to decide where she wants to go when she gets out of school in three years. In the meantime I don’t know what I want, because while I am still attracted to men and women of all ages and ethnicities and socio-economic backgrounds, I do not have a clear idea in my mind of how I got into this Love business with the people I Love, and I’m not sure that I want to forsake those who have gone before in hope of maybe finding someone new.
Really, I’m okay being alone. At the same time, I’d like to be with someone. Like, I don’t want to get anyone pregnant, but I’d like to have children someday. Sometimes weird things get connected in my head. All those great things about being in a relationship, I seem to want. I lay awake in bed too many nights thinking about the idea of having a person laying next to me who cares about me and who I care about and then I realize that although I remember being in relationships, I don’t remember exactly how I got into them. Except for one. One time I just had to say “Okay.” I am so ready to do that again. I am confident that I can do that. I wish it were that easy again. Hell, I wish it were her again.
So the question keeps coming up in my head, and it symbolizes more and more every time. Do I go to 800-US-SEARCH again, do I try to find Amanda again? It’s that time of year, time for the bi-annual Amanda search. Do I stick by the old standards, the ones who left me long ago but can’t reject me any more than they already have? Do I keep looking for the ones that got away, and if I do, does that really keep me from looking for someone new? Sometimes it feels like a big conceptual thing that if I’m still searching for Amanda, if I’m still loving Sara every day of my life, how could I be available to everyone else out there that might be okay or even right for me? Other times I realize that even just thinking that much about it means that I’m not letting it get too much to me. Still, when I’m looking at a pretty face I don’t much know how to get from friendly conversation to a first date to a healthy relationship.
I remember in high school it was all so much easier. I don’t remember what I was doing, but I remember it was easier. I didn’t end up writing long rambling essays, page after page about not being able to face the concept of the relationship because I couldn’t figure out how to get from lonely guy to half of a couple. I guess that now I’m surrounded more and more by the married; there wasn’t that obstacle in high school. There wasn’t someone I couldn’t charm out of a relationship without feeling bad about it. I respect marriage too much now to even consider such a thing. I’m also looking for more in a partner than that they would drop me for the next, more charming guy who came along. I’m going to try to go to bed now. It’s hours later than I should have been sleeping. I’ll get at most three hours now. I’ll probably take a nap tomorrow afternoon and still not get to all the cleaning that needs to be done.
I’ll probably pony up the cash and look for her again. I’m getting closer every time now, I can feel it. Any year now I’ll be able to walk up to her in person and be rejected again.
If I’ve learned anything, and I have learned a thing or two, it’s that you have to let go of the past. Some things seem perfect now, even if they were not perfect then (and they weren’t), but you can’t get back to them. Even if any of these women decided that they wanted to be with you, it would not be like it was. You have to start fresh. It’s easier, more productive, and I think more likely to succeed if you start with someone who hasn’t failed already, at least once (or more). Also, getting back with these women seems to take signifigantly more effort than just finding a new partner would if you let them go and applied yourself.
Bah, who am I to talk? The relationship I’m in now is the best I’ve done, ever, and by most peoples standards this relationship is waiting to fail.
If you still want to see the movie tomorrow call and wake me up when you leave work (by tomorrow I mean Monday) otherwise we can go Tuesday, or whenever.
If I’ve learned anything, and I have learned a thing or two, it’s that you have to let go of the past. Some things seem perfect now, even if they were not perfect then (and they weren’t), but you can’t get back to them. Even if any of these women decided that they wanted to be with you, it would not be like it was. You have to start fresh. It’s easier, more productive, and I think more likely to succeed if you start with someone who hasn’t failed already, at least once (or more). Also, getting back with these women seems to take signifigantly more effort than just finding a new partner would if you let them go and applied yourself.
Bah, who am I to talk? The relationship I’m in now is the best I’ve done, ever, and by most peoples standards this relationship is waiting to fail.
If you still want to see the movie tomorrow call and wake me up when you leave work (by tomorrow I mean Monday) otherwise we can go Tuesday, or whenever.
Sure would make for a nice love story if you have a happy ending. Such a romantic Teel. Just Sat. my sister-in-law and I were talking about sharing a bed with someone you love. She is fresh off a year long relationship and feeling lonley, but not for sex, for companionship and snuggling up at night and someone to love. In high school I used to snuggle with my large stuffed animal and wish that I could snuggle with someone I loved. I am happy that I have that now. Who’s to say that one of those previously failed relationships can’t turn out better the second time around. Maybe you just needed to learn how to make it work, and it takes time and then when you reunite you could have what was missing the first time? Or maybe it feels safer to love a person that you have already loved instead of giving your heart to someone new. I really have no advice in this category I suppose, because I was lucky enough to find the right man at 16. I can offer relationship advice, but not really dating advice. I did start dating very early, but it was different (as Teel said) in school.
Your stories (with either girl) would make such a great movie, (needing a happy ending of course). “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll fall in love again…”
Sure would make for a nice love story if you have a happy ending. Such a romantic Teel. Just Sat. my sister-in-law and I were talking about sharing a bed with someone you love. She is fresh off a year long relationship and feeling lonley, but not for sex, for companionship and snuggling up at night and someone to love. In high school I used to snuggle with my large stuffed animal and wish that I could snuggle with someone I loved. I am happy that I have that now. Who’s to say that one of those previously failed relationships can’t turn out better the second time around. Maybe you just needed to learn how to make it work, and it takes time and then when you reunite you could have what was missing the first time? Or maybe it feels safer to love a person that you have already loved instead of giving your heart to someone new. I really have no advice in this category I suppose, because I was lucky enough to find the right man at 16. I can offer relationship advice, but not really dating advice. I did start dating very early, but it was different (as Teel said) in school.
Your stories (with either girl) would make such a great movie, (needing a happy ending of course). “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll fall in love again…”
Boy, you guys stay up late. I have to go to work. I am ??? about your happiness. I want everyone to find love. But it is not always happily ever after. The pursuit is most of the fun. There will always be relationship things to deal with. People are only human. Human problems. No one is perfect. Follow your dreams. Don’t settle. I want you to be happy.
Boy, you guys stay up late. I have to go to work. I am ??? about your happiness. I want everyone to find love. But it is not always happily ever after. The pursuit is most of the fun. There will always be relationship things to deal with. People are only human. Human problems. No one is perfect. Follow your dreams. Don’t settle. I want you to be happy.
I want to contradict most of what Marie had to say, and agree with most of what April had to say, but I want it to be clear why.
I want to make it clear that things weren’t perfect then. I made some mistakes. In some cases, I made some BIG mistakes. Most people believe that because I have made these mistakes before, I can never escape them, and will always keep making them. I have more hope and faith than that. They weren’t perfect either. Still, some years have passed, and I know I’ve grown and matured, and I’d like to at least have the chance to see if the people I knew they had the potential to be is any closer to the surface, instead of just remembering them as they were, I’d like to be able to think of them as they are.
That’s another important thing. I don’t ever want things to be the way they were before. I was young and stupid and immature and I didn’t understand the value of love or human companionship or the effort required to do things the right way. I know for a fact (because I’m still in touch with her) that Sara is a different person today than she was when we started out, and I’m not interested in who she was, but who she is and who she will be. I’m interested too in who I can be for her.
As far as effort goes, I try to balance it. Like not searching high and low and spending all my money on Private Investigators looking for Amanda or international travel to try to see Sara. Like not doing much more than reading Melissa’s weblog to see that she’s doing as okay as can be expected instead of taking any actual action to re-connect with her in person. Like giving out my card, often with my phone number scrawled on it, with the expressed interest of hearing from this attractive young woman or that friendly young man. Like knowing that of the 14 women in my english class, 10 are married, 3 are engaged, and the other one immediately knew I was gay, and that neither of the guys was worth a second look, due primarily to their intellectual shortcomings. I’m open to new people and trying to figure out what that step is between friendly acquaintance and significant other, while also trying not to lose the people I already know can love me, that I can love.
Sexual gratification is nice, and being a perverse sex addict (my mother called me that a few times in one of our last conversations, and I couldn’t deny it) I know how easy it is to get sexual gratification. Yet for some reason I’ve been avoiding that sort of relationship as much as possible for almost two years. Being a sex addict, there has been an incident or three in that time, but I’ve been able to stop myself while still above the waist in those cases, so nothing serious. Because you’re right. What I want is not sex. It is companionship. I want someone I can trust to sleep next to, next to me in bed at night. My body will want to get some sexual gratification from them, but it won’t mean as much or feel as good as just being able to hold them close. Feel their heart beating and the rhythm of their breath. Know that in the morning it won’t be hurried goodbyes or apologies or empty promises, but tender kisses, thanks, and implied promises that will prove true.
It does feel safer to give my heart to someone that I’ve already loved than to someone new. Especially when I know they can love me in return. There are so many people out there that can’t even stand me, more that don’t understand me (and aren’t interested in putting any effort into changing that), and so few that can not only tolerate me, not only understand me, but can love me too. I’ve only found a few outside of my family. Actually, I can’t say my whole family tolerates and understands me, but even mom always made sure to remind me that no matter how wrong I was or how perverse a sinner, she still loved me. So if I can make myself a better person (in ways I think will make me a better person) and avoid my past mistakes (there are things I’ve done wrong that are pretty universally agreed upon to be wrong that I would like to avoid), I think I have a good chance at making someone special very happy. There are already a couple of people out there, people I love, that I have an innate desire to see happy. I have made a lot of progress at becoming that better person. I have spent a lot of time working out what will make me the best possible partner I can be for any compatible companion. Not for any companion, but for those who could be happy with me being me. I don’t want to try to change fundamentally who I am in order to get a partner, I just want to enhance the me I already am.
Well, if I end up with a happy ending with any of the people I’m already in love with, I’ll have found the right woman at 17 or 18. Of course, I’ll also have just that much more joy, stifling a certain breed of creativity. I think it’ll be worth it, though.
I want to contradict most of what Marie had to say, and agree with most of what April had to say, but I want it to be clear why.
I want to make it clear that things weren’t perfect then. I made some mistakes. In some cases, I made some BIG mistakes. Most people believe that because I have made these mistakes before, I can never escape them, and will always keep making them. I have more hope and faith than that. They weren’t perfect either. Still, some years have passed, and I know I’ve grown and matured, and I’d like to at least have the chance to see if the people I knew they had the potential to be is any closer to the surface, instead of just remembering them as they were, I’d like to be able to think of them as they are.
That’s another important thing. I don’t ever want things to be the way they were before. I was young and stupid and immature and I didn’t understand the value of love or human companionship or the effort required to do things the right way. I know for a fact (because I’m still in touch with her) that Sara is a different person today than she was when we started out, and I’m not interested in who she was, but who she is and who she will be. I’m interested too in who I can be for her.
As far as effort goes, I try to balance it. Like not searching high and low and spending all my money on Private Investigators looking for Amanda or international travel to try to see Sara. Like not doing much more than reading Melissa’s weblog to see that she’s doing as okay as can be expected instead of taking any actual action to re-connect with her in person. Like giving out my card, often with my phone number scrawled on it, with the expressed interest of hearing from this attractive young woman or that friendly young man. Like knowing that of the 14 women in my english class, 10 are married, 3 are engaged, and the other one immediately knew I was gay, and that neither of the guys was worth a second look, due primarily to their intellectual shortcomings. I’m open to new people and trying to figure out what that step is between friendly acquaintance and significant other, while also trying not to lose the people I already know can love me, that I can love.
Sexual gratification is nice, and being a perverse sex addict (my mother called me that a few times in one of our last conversations, and I couldn’t deny it) I know how easy it is to get sexual gratification. Yet for some reason I’ve been avoiding that sort of relationship as much as possible for almost two years. Being a sex addict, there has been an incident or three in that time, but I’ve been able to stop myself while still above the waist in those cases, so nothing serious. Because you’re right. What I want is not sex. It is companionship. I want someone I can trust to sleep next to, next to me in bed at night. My body will want to get some sexual gratification from them, but it won’t mean as much or feel as good as just being able to hold them close. Feel their heart beating and the rhythm of their breath. Know that in the morning it won’t be hurried goodbyes or apologies or empty promises, but tender kisses, thanks, and implied promises that will prove true.
It does feel safer to give my heart to someone that I’ve already loved than to someone new. Especially when I know they can love me in return. There are so many people out there that can’t even stand me, more that don’t understand me (and aren’t interested in putting any effort into changing that), and so few that can not only tolerate me, not only understand me, but can love me too. I’ve only found a few outside of my family. Actually, I can’t say my whole family tolerates and understands me, but even mom always made sure to remind me that no matter how wrong I was or how perverse a sinner, she still loved me. So if I can make myself a better person (in ways I think will make me a better person) and avoid my past mistakes (there are things I’ve done wrong that are pretty universally agreed upon to be wrong that I would like to avoid), I think I have a good chance at making someone special very happy. There are already a couple of people out there, people I love, that I have an innate desire to see happy. I have made a lot of progress at becoming that better person. I have spent a lot of time working out what will make me the best possible partner I can be for any compatible companion. Not for any companion, but for those who could be happy with me being me. I don’t want to try to change fundamentally who I am in order to get a partner, I just want to enhance the me I already am.
Well, if I end up with a happy ending with any of the people I’m already in love with, I’ll have found the right woman at 17 or 18. Of course, I’ll also have just that much more joy, stifling a certain breed of creativity. I think it’ll be worth it, though.
“…I knew they had the potential to be is any closer to the surface, instead of just remembering them as they were, I’d like to be able to think of them as they are.”
This made me think of some recent conversations regarding my husband. Patti said that Warren has become more handsome since he has become an adult. Mom couldn’t stand him when for the first few years that we were together. I can understand why, (he didn’t treat me very well and we did a lot of drugs and other illegal activities together) but I always knew who he is and who he could be even when he wasn’t sure. With some people you just know who they are. When you are lucky enough to see into their heart you get the opportunity to see so much more than sometimes even they can see.
And Patti, it’s not staying up late, it’s getting up early. I think that Marie works really early in the am and I had an early meeting so I had to get up with Warren, (who does construction and is up at 4 every morning). I am not capable of getting up with an alarm so he has to get me up when I have to work early. Just thought I would clarify…
“…I knew they had the potential to be is any closer to the surface, instead of just remembering them as they were, I’d like to be able to think of them as they are.”
This made me think of some recent conversations regarding my husband. Patti said that Warren has become more handsome since he has become an adult. Mom couldn’t stand him when for the first few years that we were together. I can understand why, (he didn’t treat me very well and we did a lot of drugs and other illegal activities together) but I always knew who he is and who he could be even when he wasn’t sure. With some people you just know who they are. When you are lucky enough to see into their heart you get the opportunity to see so much more than sometimes even they can see.
And Patti, it’s not staying up late, it’s getting up early. I think that Marie works really early in the am and I had an early meeting so I had to get up with Warren, (who does construction and is up at 4 every morning). I am not capable of getting up with an alarm so he has to get me up when I have to work early. Just thought I would clarify…
Oh I am sorry. I guess that is just the way my mind works. I don’t mean to be ugly to you. I was just amazed at the hours people keep. I used to work 4 ten hour shifts from 6:30 to 5pm MT and TF. I had and hour commute and I kept strange hours also until 2/02 and I moved to a closer office. I have in the past, in healthier days, worked 7 days a week sometimes 2 jobs in one day. I am no stranger to long and strange hours. I know that I do not corner the market on this behavior.
Sorry to add to your uncomfortableness.
Oh I am sorry. I guess that is just the way my mind works. I don’t mean to be ugly to you. I was just amazed at the hours people keep. I used to work 4 ten hour shifts from 6:30 to 5pm MT and TF. I had and hour commute and I kept strange hours also until 2/02 and I moved to a closer office. I have in the past, in healthier days, worked 7 days a week sometimes 2 jobs in one day. I am no stranger to long and strange hours. I know that I do not corner the market on this behavior.
Sorry to add to your uncomfortableness.
The bad thing about computers is that you can’t hear a person’s tone or see the expression on their face. I knew that you didn’t mean anything by it, I was just explaining why I was up at that hour. I actually am rarely up at that hour and thought it was kinda funny. I guess I phrased it wrong. No discomfort here (from the comment anyway).
And now back to Teel’s love story…
(The two lovers meet at the train station after years of seperation. The clouds of smoke rise and the music swells as they embrace…)
The bad thing about computers is that you can’t hear a person’s tone or see the expression on their face. I knew that you didn’t mean anything by it, I was just explaining why I was up at that hour. I actually am rarely up at that hour and thought it was kinda funny. I guess I phrased it wrong. No discomfort here (from the comment anyway).
And now back to Teel’s love story…
(The two lovers meet at the train station after years of seperation. The clouds of smoke rise and the music swells as they embrace…)
And the only talking bird in exsistance makes a doody on the person, and teel falls instantly for the bird, and they fall in love, the other person wipes the doody from teels head and slaps him, for falling in love with the bird. Teel and the bird live a long and happy life. Not everyone who doody’s on you is your enemy, and not everyone who gets you out of the doody is your friend.
And the only talking bird in exsistance makes a doody on the person, and teel falls instantly for the bird, and they fall in love, the other person wipes the doody from teels head and slaps him, for falling in love with the bird. Teel and the bird live a long and happy life. Not everyone who doody’s on you is your enemy, and not everyone who gets you out of the doody is your friend.
Okay, I can see it, Mega Summer Blockbuster with the great words to live by and all. Teel did want to make a movie. Maybe you two can collaborate on the screenplay? You could enter it on Project Greenlight and we could all watch the progress of the movie!
Okay, I can see it, Mega Summer Blockbuster with the great words to live by and all. Teel did want to make a movie. Maybe you two can collaborate on the screenplay? You could enter it on Project Greenlight and we could all watch the progress of the movie!