I used to come home, and as I walked through the door it would occur to me that perhaps while I was gone someone had tried to call me. That perhaps they had left me a message; that they wanted me to call them back. It would make me hopeful that in some small way someone had taken the time out of their day to think of me and then to do something about it. Hopeful that somewhere someone was waiting for ME, thinking of ME, wanting ME to reach out and touch them. Hopeful for the brief moment, every day when I came home from work or wherever I’d been, that it took to get from the front door to that blinking red light. A little of the joy of knowing that I’m wanted would creep in, and right up until I saw the little red light was burning steadily, announcing to the world that no one wants me, I would feel an uplifting emotional twinge. Sometimes there would even be a message, and that twinge would swell into a feeling and perhaps even into a worthwhile conversation with someone that cares about me. Sometimes there wouldn’t, and I would dip a little in mood and go on with my life.
6/14/00
It suddenly felt as though the yoke of oppression had been placed once more upon my broad shoulders, though I had seen it coming from a mile away. It came down from on high today that technical support personnel (that’s me) are not to engage in any personal projects in the workplace. Not even on breaks or lunch. No looking at web pages except for those owned and operated by our parent company and the manufacturers of 3rd party software that we distribute and support, and only then in a business-related way. No reading materials of a non-technical nature, and then only technical manuals related to the business of the company or professional certification. No playing games. Still, even when there are no calls to take and no special projects to work on, LOOK BUSY, or more privileges will be taken away.
4/4/00
Today on the way home from work I tortured myself. A situation presented itself that I could have dismissed easily or let myself get hung up on. Overthinking is something that I guess I am prone to do, though, so I took the opportunity to torture myself over nothing. Just as we were pulling around the corner from work, a large white truck drove by in the direction we were headed. It looked like someone was moving. A black futon was partially disassembled in the back and there was a young woman sitting with it in the back of the truck. I couldn’t make out her face because she was turned the other way, but her size and shape, her hair and build and sense of style – even the white top she was wearing – made her appear to be … an old love of mine.
4/2/00
So many things go on between the beginning of one day and the end of the next. So many new things come to light. So many things are said by so many people in such a short time. So why isn’t every two days as interesting as this? I guess that would make it less interesting overall for these things to happen.
4/1/00
There is so much and so little going on right now in my life. I have a nice corporate job doing something that comes easily to me. I maintain a website that allows me to express myself creatively through its own design and through the content I am producing for it. I have some interesting friends and some regular social activities that prevent me from being alone all the time, but I have my own space and time to myself when I need it. Yet despite this and all my other ambitions, I often have hours of time in which I just try to figure out what I should do for those hours. I know I have things to do. I often know of specific things and activities that I need to get accomplished, yet that I do not do. I do not know why. They often seem to be “little” things. Things that I do not have a priority for me. For one reason or another, they are easy to put off. Things like putting the Copyright notice back on the site. Or re-working part of the JavaScript to make all the pages load a little faster and to make updating the site a little easier. Or like taking out the trash or doing the dishes. These are things that can be done later. They will wait. The world will keep on spinning and lives will keep on living and I will still be around to do them tomorrow.