So many things go on between the beginning of one day and the end of the next. So many new things come to light. So many things are said by so many people in such a short time. So why isn’t every two days as interesting as this? I guess that would make it less interesting overall for these things to happen.
I have been in a position before to want to be with someone. I have been in a position to choose whether I wanted to be with a particular person. I have been in the position of being wanted. I have been both the source of and the recipient of the pain that has prevented these situations from coming to fruition. I have been here and there in matters of desire and I have come out of it with a better understanding of how to live. I have found that before I think or feel, I desire. I have found that it is desire that has informed me of all the good things that have come to me and I have found that it is the reconstruction of desire by my mind and heart that has pervented me from ever having every thing that I desire.
I want to be with someone. I want to have someone around that I can count on to be a part of my life for as long as I last; someone who can count on me for at least as long. I want to be with someone who cares about me and is worth caring about. I want to be with someone who knows what I mean when I tell them I love them, and feels the same way in return. I want to be with someone who is able to conceive not only of growing old with me but of spending all the long years in between at my side, loving living our shared existence. Through thick and thin. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. For richer or poorer. No matter what other circumstances arise, to be by my side as long as the two of us exist to stand together in love. Commitment. Truth; honesty in love and in life.
This is of course an ideal. This is not the sort of thing most people actually expect to find. I do not expect that I can just go down to the corner store and pick up a committed bride. I do expect that the only that has prevented me from achieving this thusfar in my life is some rationality I have made or some feeling I have been distracted or misguided by. I believe that the only thing standing between myself and what I truly desire is myself. Which would seem to make no sense at all, but I think I understand what I’m trying to say. I get in my own way. I’m mean to the people that I care about most, and it seems the only reason that this is true is because at some level I don’t believe that I deserve to be happy. Maybe I don’t believe that I could really make someone else happy just by being me.
I know I have had the feeling before that the people that I care the most about should be with someone else; someone who is not as messed up as I am. Other times I realize that most everyone is just as messed up as I am but more vocal about it. I act out more on the ‘strange’ things that my mind tells me to do and most everyone else just thinks they shouldn’t and moves on. I have learned from them that I shouldn’t be myself, that I should always be the person that I am expected to be and to never allow things that are out of the ordinary to escape my fragile little mind. This conflicts within me every day. Sometimes repression wins out and I sit still and quiet and alone andwait for something ‘ordinary’ to occur to me to do. At least as often I do whatever it occurs to me to do. Walk out on my friends at the bar without saying a word and walk home alone in the cold and go to bed early. Stay up late and NOT do the movie review and the site updates that need to be done. Go out and find as many nubile young women as I can and molest as many as will allow my hands to taste their luscious flesh for a fleeting moment before I disappear from their presence without any chance for meaningful conversation to take place.
Sometimes I just want to … I don’t know. Be alone and unobligated. Hours and hours and days and days of silence and solitude. Time without interruption from the outside or my desire to do things there. Catch up on my movie watching and TV watching and my friends-calling and my work responsibilities and just let go of all of it and be me for a while. It is then that I am more creative than almost any other time. It is then that my mind is not shackled down by all the many many things that are most always running through it and pulling my strings and informing me how to be.
Just as everyone else must do, when I am in public I act according to publicly set laws and expectations as is reasonable. I keep a lot of myself reduced or hidden so as not to hurt those around me or to violate any laws or regulations. I also pay attention, as any normal person would, to the people that I care about when they are around. I want to be a good friend to them, so I pay attention to their desires and their mood and I adjust how I act, to some degree, accordingly. Other people I talk to about this seem to do it so unconsciously that they think it is a horrible thing for me to change myself to suit those around me. I think that the opposite is true; that if I did not pay attention to the people around me and act differently as a result (having a different tone for a happy-go-lucky just-got-a-raise friend than a suicidally-depressed just-lost-the-love-of-my-life friend, for instance) that THAT would be horrible.
I think the real difference for me is that I tend to be quite aware of these tiny adjustments in the way that I am, whereas most other people seem to find it so natural that they are not even aware that they are doing it. This is something that taxes me mentally and emotionally whenever other people are around. People that I care about. People that I enjoy spending time with, knowing that that time is going to be harder than time alone, at least in this single respect. I don’t know why it seems to bother me so much. Perhaps it won’t anymore; I may just be remembering it bothering me and overlooking all the time it hasn’t been. I’m like that sometimes.
Daylight savings is weird. I don’t understand it. From the first Sunday in April to the last Sunday in October, Arizona is in the Pacific Time Zone. The rest of the year we are in the Mountain TIme Zone. Effectively. In reality we are alwyas in the Mountain Standard Time Zone, and from April through October, the Pacific Time Zone becomes Pacific Daylight Time. Whatever it means, whatever the point, it means that I wake up an hour earlier. It means that everything else in the US goes back an hour while everything local sits as still as it can in the commotion. It means that 10:00 TV is on at 10 instead of 11 and Goats is updated at 9 instead of 10. It means late is now later and early is now earlier. Daylight savings is like the MSG for time-perception. Everything is just a little more … like itself. Except sleep. Not enough is still not enough.
I have been putting off finishing the next pair of Diablo comics for the last week and a half; I have the first half of the pair completed, but I want to have both done before I reveal either. Perhaps this is part of my problem. I’m doing a pair of strips instead of individual strips. I think I’ll go ahead and post the one Diablo I have done tonite when I upload the site. It just takes a few seconds. That reminds me; I should put bylines on the site. So much to do to the site to get it up to the level I want it to be at. Perhaps when I get these bugs out I’ll call it v2.1 instead of v2.0. Reasonable, no?
I was talking to Alison today about going to the International Comic Con in July. I tried to explain what it was, and why I am going. I even tried to make it seem intersting enough that she would want to attend. I don’t know exactly where that ended up, but I think I am not very good at selling this sort of thing. Then again, maybe I was just not properly prepared to sell it to her. I should think about what about it would be appealing to someone of her interests and put those in a light that would get her as excited about going as I am. I think a big part of it is just getting away and doing something totally different for a few days, far from home and surrounded by thousands of intelligent, interesting people. If she happened to be one of those thousands of people, I believe that that would make the whole experience quite a bit better. Better than good, it’s great.
Getting tired. Running out of daylight. I guess I should’ve saved some. Haha. Stupid Americans. They can just go to Hell. I’ll be expecting them.