Teel McClanahan

I’m becoming less defined, as days go by
Fading away, well you might say I’m losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes, I can see right through myself

Less concerned, about fitting into the world
Your world that is!
Cause it doesn’t really matter anymore
(no, it doesn’t really matter anymore)
No, it doesn’t really matter anymore
None of this Sh!t really matters anymore

Yes, I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell, I think maybe it’s because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up, to hurt myself
I just made you up, to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked
Yes, it did

There is no you, there is only me
There is no you, there is only me
There is no fu*king you, there is only me
There is no fu*king you, there is only me

Only
Only
Only
Only

Well, the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling, like I just knew it’s something bad

I just couldn’t leave it alone
I cut off that scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I’m somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I know I really shouldn’t see
And now I know why now, and now I know why
Things aren’t as pretty, on the inside

There is no you, there is only me
There is no you, there is only me
There is no fu*king you, there is only me
There is no fu*king you, there is only me

Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only

– Nine Inch Nails, Only

I haven’t been very successful writing lately. The Sin Eater novel is coming along, but slowly. I’m thinking of beginning work on Untrue Tales Book Three and then switching back and forth between them
when I get stuck or frustrated with one of them… I’d really like to have both books finished and in hand by the beginning of June. It isn’t strictly writer’s block that’s been slowing me down – there’s been a lot on my mind lately, especially the last week or two. Last night at the Willow House I got about 300-400 words written, most of it right after I arrived and before I switched rooms … there was something … there’s things going on … and … and it relates to why I haven’t been posting as much here.

You see, there’s a subject that I’ve agreed not to post publicly about. So … if it seems like there’s been a lack of posts here, that’s why. Most of what I have to say about my life, my mind, my heart, and what’s going on with me turns out to be unsuitable for public posting under the current agreement. And so the things that have been on my mind, the things that have been taking up enough of my thoughts to interfere with creativity, with my ability to concentrate on writing, are the same things – most of the time – as the things I can’t put here.

Sorry.

Continue reading Ambition: Sometimes it ends up feeding you to a bear

So, one drawback of doing strength training is that it means that there’s always going to be some part of my body which is sore and/or weak on a given day. My body also seems to really, really need a full eight hours of sleep every night now, too. I shall have to figure out how to accommodate it.

I haven’t been writing much lately. I need to work harder on keeping up on that. I keep playing video games or napping on my lunch and breaks… Did I mention I bought a Nintendo DS, and that it is awesome? Yeah. Awesome. Yesterday at lunch I nearly hyperventilated just to score higher than 30 on a particular set of Wario Touched microgames. You know, because they were all wind-driven puzzles. I love interacting with a game by touch and with my breath. Some games are already working in voice recognition and recording, too.

See how distracted I get? I was trying to write a paragraph ABOUT writing and got to writing about playing video games instead. That’s pretty bad. I’m only about 15%-20% of the way through writing the first draft of the ‘sin eater’ novel, and I haven’t started on Untrue Tales Book Three yet… and I’d sortof like to get them both edited and avialable for purchase by June. Which gives me about four weeks. To write 1.8 books. No problem, right?

Well, depends on my focus. Working out is taking up a lot of time and energy right now. I hear rumor that’s supposed to turn around after a while and it’s supposed to give me renewed energy, but … I’m not there yet. And I took some time off writing to read. Read The Time Traveller’s Wife and Only Begotten Daughter, both good books. Both gave me some thoughts about what to do with the novel I’m writing (and my life, in some ways), but once they were done I didn’t just leap back into writing… and I’ve spent a little bit of time working on art, which is fine… it’s mostly been while I was watching Netflix’d DVDs.

Okay, I’m totally rambling now. Did I mention that parts of me I know I didn’t work out have been getting tired? Like my legs, and my mind? But I think the next scene in the book will be a flashback, and I think I know to what. So I’ll try to get it written tonight at the Willow House, after I finish losing at Scrabble to Pat.

If it wasn’t a meme before, it is now. Thank liquidmercurial.

1. Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
287 total, it looks like, plus maybe a couple lent out. 224 I’ve definitely watched since buying on DVD, counting Back to the Future trilogy as 3. 63 unwatched (or that I can’t remember whether I watched) since I bought them, counting the Matrix Ultimate Edition as only 3.

((Plus QAF seasons 1-3 and Felicity seasons 1 and 3 (I haven’t found seasons 2 and 4 used yet), plus Band of Brothers. But those don’t count as films, do they?))

2. The last film I bought:
we don’t live here anymore
Oops! I accidentally bought a new DVD while I was writing this post – I had to pop out to the Zia to pick up the new NIN album, With Teeth, and they had a used copy of Spiderman 2, which I like quite a lot and saw at least three times in theatres. So… Spiderman 2.

3. The last film I watched:
film? The Interpreter.
DVD? Big Night (a la Netflix)

4. Five films that I watch a lot:
Illuminata
Punch Drunk Love
Legend of 1900
Moulin Rouge
Vanilla Sky

5. Five films that mean a lot to me:
Illuminata
The Princess Bride
Fight Club
Vanilla Sky
Addicted To Love (I should probably buy that one…)

new question: 6. Films I cry every time you watch them (and when):
City of Angels (Bike ride)
Practical Magic (beetle in floor)
Wit (no code)

((Okay, actually, just looking through my DVDs to be sure I didn’t miss a consistent tear-jerker, I started crying just thinking about Wit. Dang. There are others I usually cry for, but these I cry for EVERY TIME.))

In case you aren’t aware, I need to explain that one of the basic exercises available on the bowflex is resisted abdominal crunches. That is, you hook the bowflex resistance up to your shoulders while sitting on the inclined bench and do crunches against resistance. I have a bowflex and have recently begun working out semi-regularly within the last couple of weeks.

At first, I was just trying to feel out how much resistance to use for various muscle groups… my lats are stronger than I remember, my chest and biceps only a teeny bit stronger, and my triceps are noticably weaker than everything else is right now… but I’m basically just working on these, plus abs (and back exercises, for balance) and then I’m going to try to also ride my bike for cardio / lower body workout.

And at first, when I did my crunches, I did what I knew I had done in the past: about 100 straight crunches and 60 oblique left and 60 oblique right, with 50lbs total resistance (25lbs per shoulder). But while the end of those 220 crunches was a little tough, I didn’t feel anything the next day or two in my abs. So the next couple of times, I did 180 straight, 90 left, 90 right, with 50lbs and then 100lbs total resistance, for 360 crunches at each resistance, and at 360 crunches at 100lbs I had a tiny amount of soreness in my right obliques the next day, but nothing like what I used to get.

So last night I did 200 straight, 200 left oblique, 200 right oblique, 100lbs resistance. I had intended to do more straight, but wasn’t strong enough. Later, I hope to be. But 600 crunches with 100lbs resistance, and this morning I’m feeling it. It isn’t sore when I’m just sitting up straight, but when I was laying down and tried to sit up to turn off the alarm – yep, that was a workout.

(Note: I do the crunches in sets of 20 or 30, alternating between straight and oblique crunches with time for perhaps two deep breaths between sets. I certainly don’t do 200 of one type in a row. I’d probably just fail.)