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“I know my friends would kill me if they knew I were e-mailing you, contacting you at all.

I just want to ask you nice to stop it.”

-From her, this morning before I woke.

There was more, there was even a conversation of confirmation later, but this is the important part.

To her friends: please do not kill her for contacting me. Do not make her feel worse than she already does. I don’t know what you people have been doing to her, but she doesn’t deserve to be put through that sort of shit. You people are sick fucks, to make someone feel so bad, so bad about themselves. Get a life.

Continue reading Last on this subject…

It’s sort of like this:

Teel wants to kiss.

Someone suggests that in an alternate version of reality, but never in this one, they might kiss him.

Teel builds a device to travel to alternate realities via a system of energy portals and then goes through a series of life-threatening challenges created by an order of transdimensional monks who promise him access to this fabled alternate reality only to turn on him at the last moment, taking the Sapphire Egg of Budecki and the Eternal Flame of Fortunato that he had retrieves at great risk with them and leaving him only with false but convincingly realistic memories of being kissed.

Teel plays these memories over and over again in his head until, some time that night, they burn out.

Teel believes that that is the end of that.

***

Two months, four weeks and three days later, Teel learns that the monks had not turned on him; they gave him what he had asked them for, but at a greater cost than he had anticipated – he was to remain in the alternate reality he had fought so hard for a mere glimpse of, and now the reality he’d thought he’d never left was no longer reality at all.

LJ Friends Meme by

• You must tell 42 people about this game.
• Sara is the one that you love.
• Jenn is one you like but can’t work out.
• You care most about Zoe.
• Art is the one who knows you very well.
• Heath is your lucky star.
• Humble Me – Norah Jones is the song that matches with Sara.
• Something I Can Never Have – NIN is the song for Jenn.
• Sitting, Waiting, Wishing – Jack Johnson is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and Ocean Breathes Salty – Modest Mouse is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz

Does the fact that nearly 2k people read my journal every day count towards the 42 people I’m supposed to send this to? I sure hope so.

What a horrible/amazing thing the internet has become.

It allows me to see precisely when and how much people are intentionally hiding the things they have to say from me. I can tell when people are talking “behind my back” without having to feel my ears burning or being “in the loop” – LiveJournal Calendar view shows how many posts were made each day without regard to how many are public, so I can see a couple of posts yesterday and a post today were made, and I can see that she’s gone to the trouble of keeping me from seeing them.

And last week when I saw a hidden post, it really upset me that she’d “cut me off” after saying more than once, explicitly, that she wouldn’t. Probably I was more upset that she had gone back on her word than that she was hiding from me; I trusted her, always, to be honest with me.

And this week… I’m not upset, just curious.

And maybe next week I won’t even look to see how much she’s saying that she doesn’t want me to know.

…

Continue reading What a horrible/amazing thing the internet has become

I remembered something else I meant to post:

I’m not too crazy to work. I produced more on Tuesday than anyone else in my department. It’s safe to say I produced more than double the next-highest-producing person’s output that day, and it was such a bad day for me that I felt I needed to take the next five days off work. And today was fine at work, and even on my “days off” I produced more than I had in the month before on my novel, actually finishing it last night. I’m not too crazy to work.

I’m not too crazy to love. Love is just … difficult, and life doubly so, and the intersection of these is often frought with trouble. I still love. I still care. I still want only the best for those I love, and am willing to sacrifice my own satisfaction to do what I can to work for that. And worse than that, my love is not dependent upon reciprocation or contact. I keep checking 1 Corinthians 13, and it doesn’t say anything about being together or anything of the sort. Patient, kind, doesn’t envy, doesn’t boast, isn’t proud, isn’t rude, isn’t self-serving, isn’t easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, rejoices with the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, never fails. I’m not too crazy to do (or at least to strive to do) and be those things. I may have made a mis-step or two, but I do my best. I’m not too crazy to love.

I’m not a danger to myself or others. I never really threatened to take any actions that would have caused any actual harm to anyone. I never intended even to cause any psychological or emotional harm for her or her son, let alone any physical or lasting harm. I am not aware of having put her or her son in any physical danger, and save from potential violence against me by the people around her, I am not aware of having put myself in any physical danger, either. At my most threatening, I was raising my voice, over the phone, asking questions, trying to understand what had happened; still just seeking the truth, even at my worst. I love her too much to want to see her come to harm because of me, now or ever. And I’ve long loved myself too much to actually try to hurt myself, to try to kill myself. My final suicide attempt came in 1999; I suppose that was a year of dropping bad habits. I have more than enough strength of character to keep myself on a safe path, for myself and for those I care about. I am not a danger to myself, and I am not a danger to others.

And if that’s what it takes to be crazy, I guess I’m not as crazy as I thought I was. And if I’m not as crazy as I thought I was, maybe you really are crazier than me. Are you a danger to yourself, a danger to others, too crazy to love, and/or to crazy to work?

There’s another quip I like to tell about being crazy, it goes like this:

Hearing voices isn’t crazy. Lots of people hear voices.

Talking back to the voices in your head isn’t crazy, either.

It’s when you get into physical fights with the voices in your head that you know for sure you’ve lost it.

— Fight Club became a beautiful visual display of this quip, long after I’d been saying it.