What a horrible/amazing thing the internet has become.
It allows me to see precisely when and how much people are intentionally hiding the things they have to say from me. I can tell when people are talking “behind my back” without having to feel my ears burning or being “in the loop” – LiveJournal Calendar view shows how many posts were made each day without regard to how many are public, so I can see a couple of posts yesterday and a post today were made, and I can see that she’s gone to the trouble of keeping me from seeing them.
And last week when I saw a hidden post, it really upset me that she’d “cut me off” after saying more than once, explicitly, that she wouldn’t. Probably I was more upset that she had gone back on her word than that she was hiding from me; I trusted her, always, to be honest with me.
And this week… I’m not upset, just curious.
And maybe next week I won’t even look to see how much she’s saying that she doesn’t want me to know.
…
And yes, last week I was thinking about using the other horrible/amazing side of the internet to ‘hack’ access to read what she was saying. And last week it took a lot of strength to not go that route.
And this week… I haven’t had to use strength; I know that if I needed access, it would be given to me. If I don’t have access, I must not need it. This is how I live my life, not by forcing people or forcing things to bend to my will, but by being open and honest and right and good and hoping that others do the same. If she feels she needs to artificially hide some part of her life, that’s her issue, not mine.
And perhaps by next week the thought of the fact that it would be easy to ‘hack’ access won’t even occur to me.
…
And in a few months (or more likely, years), if/when she realizes that everything I said really was true, that I never tried to manipulate her or do her harm in any way, and that there’s no reason for a breach between us, perhaps I shall have access again, and out of curiosity go back and see what she thought was such a big deal this week. And time has a way of making things their right size, so I probably won’t see what the big deal was.
I don’t know.
