“I know my friends would kill me if they knew I were e-mailing you, contacting you at all.
I just want to ask you nice to stop it.”
-From her, this morning before I woke.
There was more, there was even a conversation of confirmation later, but this is the important part.
To her friends: please do not kill her for contacting me. Do not make her feel worse than she already does. I don’t know what you people have been doing to her, but she doesn’t deserve to be put through that sort of shit. You people are sick fucks, to make someone feel so bad, so bad about themselves. Get a life.
But here, an example of something I kept offering her, telling her, the entire time, over and over, from early November right up until the very last time I ever saw her, last Monday, this example from an email I sent her a couple of weeks before things went sour (because I have it and her response to quote):
“I’m fucking your life up, aren’t I?
I can stop. I can go away.
You just have to say the word.
Maybe things can get back to normal for you then.
I feel awful.”
But her response then (and later that day, in person), as every time I suggested that all she had to do was tell me to stop, to go away, and that I would do what she told me to, was like this:
“I can not believe it is going to be so easy for you to toss me aside. Wow! You are an impressive guy! All I have to do is say the word, huh? Well I CAN’T! I can not tell you to go away! But I am very, very good at hiding from people. Can we do it that way? Is that good for you!
Through all of it, through these last couple of weeks, even on the phone less than a week ago, I asked her to tell me to stop, to go away, and she said she couldn’t, she wouldn’t. This morning was the first time she ever really told me to stop, to go away, and she still wouldn’t say it was over between us. I tried to get her to say it was over between us, and she couldn’t. But she did say to stop.
So I’m going. I’m going to stop. This is it. Last post. I’m going to stop looking at her journals, they’re off my “friends list”. I’ve blocked her and Buz on AIM, and if I see Azure on, I’ll block her, too. I’ve marked her phone number in my phone “don’t answer, don’t call”. I’m going to stop checking the NaNoWriMo forums (at least until October – I’m still a writer). I’m not going to “surprise” show up at Ren. Fest. on Pirates weekend – I’ll be sure I’m not there to run into at all. I’ve changed my schedule at work so I couldn’t go to the Willow House when people meet, even if I wanted to. And out of courtesy to her, I’m going to stop posting anything about her here for now. I can’t guarantee I won’t refer back to her someday, in reverie or whatever, but … certainly not any time soon. That’s easy enough. Lots of people tell me “don’t blog this” – Look at the last few months, and a few months before that, I’ve hardly said a thing.
What else do you want? What the fuck do you want from her? I just wanted her to be happy and get what she wanted, whatever she told me she wanted, however I could make her happy. If I did something wrong it was reading the words on the page instead of reading between the lines, it was trusting instead of second-guessing, and I’m not going to stop doing either of those things. And I’m not going to stop caring about her. So if I find out somehow that you sick fucks have continued screwing with her head and driving her crazy, know that staying away from her because she asked me to does not include staying away from YOU. Her, I never wanted to hurt, I do not want to hurt, ever. But after talking to her today, I want to hurt YOU. And if you keep fucking with her, hurting her, expect me to show up at YOUR doorstep and make YOU feel bad, you demented, selfish, fucking assholes.
Sorry, love, if you end up reading this, I’m just a little upset.
Not with you, or stopping. Having you tell me to stop makes it a lot easier, since you’d previously told me not to let you “run away” from me, and had never told me that you’d changed your mind. I’m upset with THEM, for turning this into a lot more pain and insanity and trouble for you than it ever needed to be. I wish you only the best.
This is goodbye. This is it. It stops here.