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Today I did the second twenty minute section of Yoga Zone’s Total Body Conditioning DVD.

I knew that since I was already physically sore and tired from dealing with the irrigation (see the blogcomic for today) that I might have trouble with some of the poses, and if I hadn’t set myself up to feel accountable to y’all yesterday, I would have oh-so-easily used my pre-existing exhaustion as a valid excuse to not do yoga. But hooray I did yoga anyway!

What I’m finding right now I’m best at in trying to follow these routines is screaming ‘FUCK YOU!!!‘ at the people on the screen. I was doing it perhaps a little more yesterday than today, but it was still there, and perhaps the thing I was most successful at. Something about how I use (or don’t use) my legs has made all the muscles/tendons down the backs of my legs (hamstrings?) ‘too short’… Too short to really even attempt a downward dog without intense feelings of pain, sure, but even when they begin the session by trying to get me to sit up straight with my legs straight out in front of me and my spine straight and extended I find that I can either have my spine straight and vertical OR I can have my legs straight out in front of me… like all the connective tissues down the backside of my body are too short and when one half of me straightens out the other half folds up. So they explain what wonders sitting up straight with my legs straight in front of me will do for my breathing and I mutter ‘fuck you‘ back at them as I struggle to perhaps keep my legs and my spine straight by bending backwards 30 or more degrees at the hips.

They move on to other positions, and I keep finding myself unable to sit up vertically and have my spine straight at the same time in them without effort and strain… except they seem to think that this sitting up thing is the easy, resting part of the position and proceed to begin bending at the hips (keeping their spine straight as can be) and bringing their foreheads down to their legs or the ground or whatever. If I’m not looking at them, just trying to follow directions, I feel the strain in the places they say I’m supposed to be working and I use my breathing to move as deep into the pose as I can and then when I look up and see them bent full in half and look down and see I’ve just managed to get barely into that ‘sitting straight up’ thing they started at and they get a bigger ‘Fuck You.

And then towards the end of today’s routine they went from a plank pose (I can do that! My backside tissues are certainly long enough that I can have my entire body in a straight line!) to downward dog (I can sorta do that one, though I certainly can’t move fully into that pose and direct most of my attention towards just not doing it wrong and hurting myself…). Which would be fine, but they want me to go back and forth on each exhale and inhale respectively, what seemed like a ridiculous number of times. I mean, I could have reasonably held in the plank pose twice as long, or maybe in the downward dog pose 2/3 as long, but going back and forth and for as long as they did … man. I collapsed before they finished into child’s pose to give myself a rest before they moved on. Then they asked me to move from plank pose into being on hands and knees, so I jumped up onto all fours… and they moved into child’s pose. Which was fine. Then corpse pose, and then the closing, and then credits, and I didn’t move from corpse pose until the credits ran out.

Okay, that’s that. I’m going to upload the blogcomic I did before I started yoga now.

Maybe I’ll fuss about Yoga more tomorrow!

Yay! I just did yoga again for the first time since … I don’t know… Years ago, now. I’ve known the whole time I ought to be doing the Yoga every day or every other day at least, but I just haven’t been doing it. Always there are excuses, it’s too late or I’m too tired or there’s no room or … Whatever, I just didn’t feel like it. When I moved to Pine I set up the space in front of my TV specifically to provide the long thin open column of space that yoga requires, and that was over three months ago and … nothing. But today… today I learned that even for the brief routine I did, the space is just slightly not wide enough. Or my arms are too long… but I prefer to think that I’m just the right size for me and everything else in the world was built too small…

Anyway, there’s a reason I’m typing all this (and may even do a comic of it in a moment), and it comes down to the idea of accountability. Since I basically live alone and have no traditional ‘job’ with co-workers and no traditional ‘social life’ with friends, it comes down to modernevil.com to provide me a modicum of human contact. (Which, by the way, with the sudden draught of posts, has put even me into an extra sort of funk.) The idea of accountability is great for things like dieting and excersizing, especially when the people holding you accountable are expecting you to do the same for them; dieting with a partner, working out with a partner, these activities are easier this way and because of what mostly comes down to a mental switch. Because each partner will be pushed to ‘stick with it’ for the sake of the other – they don’t want to let their friend down. (This could be used to make a strong proof that selflessness exists to some degree in humanity, I believe, though opponents would say that friendship doesn’t exist except out of selfishness in the first place… bleah.) Except that since my gym closed oh so long ago I haven’t had anyone to do yoga with. Or really anyone to be accountable for my own health except myself. I tried to make group accountability real with the idea of ‘Fuck 50 lbs To Hell’, but … none of the people involved communicate regularly and then no one was making progress, so we all stayed fat together. Sigh.

This is something new I’m trying. I’m going to post every time I do yoga (which hopefully will be every day). Sometimes just a simple post saying I did 20 or 40 minutes of Yoga to such and such a video (thanks to Marie, I have three yoga DVDs to choose from, each with two twenty minute routines). Sometimes something longer like this, or maybe even a rant complaining about breathing (those of you who have been near enough to hear me breath may have a clue of what I might sound like doing the intense breathing that yoga creates), or whatever. But I’m going to try to post every time. And I’m going to imagine that my audience (I still have around 200 regular daily readers) are all holding me accountable. That all 200 of them will be disappointed in me if a day goes by without a yoga post. That my audience actually cares about my health and physical fitness.

Now, there’s the rare possibility that some of you actually do care, and a rarer possibility that some of you will actually post encouraging comments or try to take up yoga with me. If that turns out to be the case then Hooray! I’ll do what I can to live up to the actual expectations that are expressed, and if someone else decides yoga is for them, I’ll do what I can to encourage them and hold them accountable for their own health.

On the other hand, if it goes as my currently downtrodden and pessimistic side seems to think it will and people don’t even bother to read posts that start with the word ‘yoga’, I’ll still try to live up the the imagined expectations that I’ll pretend my caring audience has expressed, (hopefully) effectively fooling myself into feeling held accountable and being motivated by this imagined outside expectation to do this thing even when I so easily come up with an excuse.

So, today’s the first day. Today I did the first twenty minutes of Yoga Zone’s Total Body Conditioning Yoga for Beginners.

I went ahead and reserved a room in Vegas anyway. And in addition to the idea that reserving a room I can’t really afford was something I didn’t think I ought to do, I reserved it at the Las Vegas Hilton, where I told myself the last time I was there I would not return to until I was at least semi-fluent in Klingon. I looked at prices at other places, at cheap-ass places and at places on the strip (one weeknight night at the Bellagio in the steeping heat of summer is more than I paid for two nights at the Hilton on a weekend that no Vegas hotels seem to have good rates for), and some places had reasonable deals… mostly for nights other than the ones I need to be there for the wedding on. I even found an upgraded room at the New York New York Casino (for the wrong nights) at only $5/night more than the generic ‘Station’ hotels are charging during the week. But, for $10 more a night than the station I chose the Star Trek package at the Hilton & get two free admissions to the Star Trek Experience (street value: $50) two free meals in Quark’s bar (which would cost almost as much at the Experience admissions), and 10% off in the Star Trek-themed store (though unless my art takes off, I won’t be spending money there). Plus some free drinks in the casino I would have got anyway… but between the package stuff and the reasonable price (that includes a second person in my room, if anyone wants to come – they charge the same for one person as for two) plus the fact I probably would have ended up eating at Quarks anyway, if not paying for the Experience again … I think it was the best deal I saw. Oh, and not to fear – the people I’m going with are also Star Trek fans, and were planning on going the the Experience anyway.

Blah blah blah…

So as long as I managed to get the second (more detailed) book of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition for 50 cents at a recent book sale and have recently lent both my Klingon language books and my Klingon language learning software to my father/brother, I may just try to memorize all the Rules of Acquisition instead of trying to figure out Klingon language structure in the next couple of weeks. Or maybe I’ll memorize the Klingon rules of Acquisition and memorize a few important phrases in the Ferengi language. Strike that, reverse it.

I feel like I’m not being clear here. Oh well. When I was documenting all my financial whosi-ma-whatsis the other day I discovered that one of my credit cards upped my limit without telling me, literally days before I looked, by an additional $500. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be putting more on credit with no real income source in sight, but… Well, I was looking at rooms and rates last night and this morning and … I just about decided on the Hilton before I went to work in the store this morning, so this afternoon when I came back up to my room everything was set up to reserve the room but my name, address, credit card… and today in the store I had a lot more believable interest from people in my art… from people who seemed to know what they liked and …. frankly that clearly had the money to be buying art… so I felt a lot better after today than after yesterday, when I got more quizzical, confused looks at the art than interested or appreciative looks… and I booked it.

Okay, I’ll stop rambling about this now. I don’t want to be (or to seem to be) justifying it to myself, or to you… I just wanted to say what I’m doing. But I just remembered I left some laundry in the dryer downstairs I better go get it.

All day Wednesday, then all night Thursday night I played through both sides of the Enter the Matrix video game. I was only able to finish both sides in under 35 hours of play because I had all the cheats I could muster in action. And many levels still took me dozens of attempts. Anyway, I pushed through it like that so I could access all 21 clips of live-action footage the Wachowski brothers created exclusively for the video game. I have now seen every single clip several times and have begun to incorporate what they reveal into my understanding of the Matrix universe. I need to re-watch M1 and M2, and I have asked a friend of mine to try to get me a bootleg copy of M2 so I can re-watch and re-watch certain portions of it until I have understood every nuance. Interestingly, the parts I am most interested in studying are the parts (aside form the ‘rave’ scene) that I have read and heard the most dissent from the public about; the slow dialogues and monologues from the councilor, the oracle, the Merovingian, and the Architect to Neo about control, understanding, cause and effect, and freedom of choice. Does that count as a spoiler? Revealing that various characters talk? Anyway, after I’ve done all that and seen M2 in a theatre at least once more, I’ll write my extensive thoughts on the subject. Extensive.

I haven’t even touched ‘The Rules’ since the day I got it, what with my mind being controlled by the Matrix lately. Also, I’ve been reading Green Mars by Kim Stanley Robinson, which has been taking my full book-reading attention. Though in the last two days I have purchased many used books. For a total of $6.50 I now have two huge Sci-Fi anthologies, The Complete Plays of Christopher Marlowe, Gulliver’s Travels, an early full-size edition of The Gunslinger (have you heard he’s re-written it? I may read the re-written version, but … come on!), Weaveworld, Different Seasons (hardback), The Illustrated Man, and The Writer’s Guide To Creating A Science Fiction Universe. Oh, and after I finish Green Mars I need to start in on The Catcher in the Rye before the MEVBC meeting on or around the 1st.

Speaking of revisionist history, I’ve begun painting black around the edges of all my paintings that I hadn’t already painted full around the sides of.

Wait, we weren’t speaking of revisionist histories, were we? Nevermind, then. We’ll talk about something else instead… How abour Las Vegas? So, My friend Art is getting married in Vegas on Friday the 13th (of June). I’m the Best Man, so by all accounts I should attend. I have recently arranged that unless I find other travel accommodations or am unable to attend I will ride from Phoenix to Vegas and back with Art’s father, George. What I have not arranged is hotel accommodations for myself. Because I am not entirely sure I will be able to afford them. I have a large degree of faith that there is a market for the art I am creating, and I even believe that at least some of it will sell here in Pine, but … so far there has not been much serious interest in my paintings in the store. Now, the summer season hasn’t really started. That’s tomorrow, and I plan on opening up at least an hour early, since that’s when the Art/Craft Fair is supposed to open. This weekend is supposed to be like ‘a zoo’ with more people than I’ve ever seen coming through the store, and hopefully a lot of business. From now until Labor Day Weekend is the ‘busy season’ for Pine’s economy, and it is expected, I am told, to remain busy during that entire period. But … if I still haven’t sold a single painting through the store after this weekend and the next, my high hopes will begin to slide, and my plans will have to face changes. See, I need to sell enough paintings to cover hotel & food &ct. for Vegas the weekend of 225.0 (6/13), and then again to cover hotel & food & gas &ct. for the San Diego International Comicon 2003, 333-342.0 (7/16-7/20). In addition to my paintings, I’ve got a couple of my manual typewriters (more at home in the store, which mostly sells antiques and collectibles) for sale at reasonable prices a little lower than one would find online. Maybe someone will buy those. If both sell, I can almost afford a couple nights in a cheap Vegas hotel. OR if one painting sells, I can afford Vegas.

I keep making new paintings. I’ll try to get photos of them online soon. The one I most recently finished may be difficult to photograph and capture it’s essense. Or really to show you what it looks like without half a dozen photos of more. And even then, you’ll be missing so much of the experience. I painted it intentionally so that it would say something different to your hands as your eyes. It has a visual texture within its color, within its extreme glossiness, and it has a physical texture that feels … different from what it looks like it would feel like. It is about turbulence and peace co-existing, about depth and transparency and complexity and unity… It is a love story. Oh, and there’s the one I’m working on now that is temporarily on hold until I can get myelf to a store and get some painter’s masking tape, preferably 3 inches wide. I was working on it one way and then in another, and then I made a mistake… and I spent several days trying to figure out how to keep working on it until I was satisfied with it, and I determined I needed 12 3″x3″ squares masked off so I can paint the next layer properly. Contrasting with the other couple dozen ideas I had about it, this one corresponds to the original math, the original charts and graphs I made to describe the visual plane of the original concept in a meaningful way, extending the idea and making up for my ‘mistakes’ at the same time. Some of the other ideas were just … well, they were irrational, just ways to cover up that any mistake had been made rather than to continue toward the original artistic goal.

Speaking of artistic goals, I don’t like a lot of the attitude that my correspondence art class is imposing on itself, and wants to impose upon me. It keeps saying (directly and via implication) that such and such a thing is the reason all artists create art, that such and such methods serve all art, that such and such principles should guide every artist in the creation of every work. Except that I read it and (almost, but not quite, entirely like my reactions to some of the things in ‘The Rules’) speak aloud to the books, saying “WHAT!?!” in reaction to some assumed attitude. It’s like they’re grooming people to become corporate art drones, with rules for how everything should go together that I personally identify only with advertising, not with ‘pure art’. (Art for art’s sake.) I can learn some things from the program, but … much of it I seem simply to be rejecting wholly. Other things… they get wrong. Like, seriously wrong. I tried calling and talking to them about it, and the first guy was just flabbergasted and said he’d have the ‘official class instructor’ call me the next day. I tried talking to her, but I ended up teaching her, not only what the book says, but more depth of information on the subjects, and tried to explain the correct information – she refused to understand – and then just tried to explain how what the book said in one section contradicted what it said in another and on the Examination, and then she just claimed powerlessness. So, I’ll keep working on the class; the next pack the send me is supposed to include their figure study unit, which I’ve never really studied, so hopefully I can learn some technique there.

**********

I just spent about 150 minutes updating and balancing Quicken so I could get an idea of my financial situation. Less hopefull than I’d thought. Not like “Oh no, I’m going to default on my debts and go to debtor’s prison!”, but seriously, if those paintings don’t start selling I’m screwed. Except not really screwed as much as just can’t go do fun stuff. So, not that bad, but not that good, either. I don’t know. I hate the idea of changing my art to suit public opinion of what art should be. I want to create the art I want to create without thoughts of whether it’s sale-able becoming part of the creative process. There are people who like my art, I know there are, but … I suppose they aren’t the ones with money or aren’t the ones who come through Pine or … something. Something.

I’m tired. I was going to watch The Matrix tonight, but then I did that whole money thing… it took so frelling long that I’m already beyond the time I planned on going to bed. You know, because I plan on waking up early tomorrow to open the store early. That and I’ve been feeling extra tired during the days the last few days, and don’t want to be that way on the ‘busiest day of the year’ tomorrow. Too bad I haven’t found a source (or the money for) Modafinil/Provigil.

Okay, I guess I wasn’t paying attention when I cashed my Unemployment check this week, and I can’t find the stub around here to verify that I should have know this before today, but I’m no longer on Unemployment Insurance Benefits. Last week’s check was the last check. I’m not eligible for Unemployment benefits again until 11/2/03 at the earliest, but I’d have to hold a job between now and then and get laid off again… and I’m not planning on getting another government-recognized, working-for-the-man job. Ever again, if I can avoid it. So, last week I was still officially ‘Unemployed’, but this week, I’m definitely, seriously ‘Retired’.

I have this Art ‘hobby’ that I sure hope turns profitable soon, and I seem to be kept time-and-a-half busy around here doing jobs for and with my grandparents, but I’m at least as retired as they are. Well, maybe I’m sorta living off their retirement….

Maybe ‘retired’ isn’t exactly the right word… but when is the “right word” ever the right word to describe me?

I’m not working as far as the gov’t is concerned, and haven’t been since 10/2/2002. And unless something big changes for me, I hope never again to be working (as far as the gov’t is concerned). When I live another hundred years, it’ll be the most not-officially-working century I can muster.

(Though hopefully this little painting hobby of mine will take off before then.)