3/28/00

I believe I am waiting. I believe I am waiting for Alison. For her to be ready or for her to figure out what she wants is not necessarily me. I know I am waiting for Sara. For her to get older, in years as well as as a person.

I am so tired. I ache. I do not know what it is about being me that makes me feel this way. I do not know what it is about being alive that makes me want so much to lay down and die. I have tears in my eyes and i am short of breath. I do not know why I am this way; I just am.

Continue reading 3/28/00

Unexpected birthday gift

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Saturday, completely unexpectedly and out of the blue, my girlfriend (* I find that because of the nature of this journal, I am less likely to use her name *) gave me a birthday present. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, on September 21st, and all I got then was some toothpaste and cold medicine from my mom. Nothing else. It was a really uplifting experience…

Then, all of a sudden, my girlfriend hands me a card, and a gift. I had no idea that I would get anything from her – she doesn’t have much money, I didn’t expect anything – and she got me a new CD that I wanted. I cannot express the gratitude that I felt, and am feeling still, towards my girlfriend for being so thoughtful. Perhaps my not receiving any other gifts (* actually, my evil twin sent me a bunch of new CDs, but since I’ve never met him… *) has thrown off my perceptions.

What a beautiful girl

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Addie stopped by Monday evening. Apparently, she had been out driving, and her mother had decided that she should visit me. It was completely unexpected because I hadn’t been able to get ahold of her that day, and she had never just stopped by before. She brought me a copy of The Doors of Perception/Heaven and Hell that her mother thought I should read. That, too, was unexpected, although not entirely bad.

I had seen Addie just two days before, yet as she had approached my door, I realized that she was much more beautiful than my memory depicts her. I kept thinking that she was the sort of girl that, were I not already going out with her, I would be totally attracted to. I will be sure to treat her that way from now on.