Category: Relationships

I’ve felt it for a while, now, and I admit that I kinda knew that I should be expecting it, but it always seems to throw me off. Love is just different for me, I think. More whelming, more permanent. Never reducing; either unchanging or growing. Glowing.

It isn’t fair for me to claim to understand how other people love. I really have no way of knowing exactly how they love. What love means to them, how it feels, how it pushes them. I can know how it is in me, and I can listen to what they say and do and try to understand (not with my head, but with my heart) what love means when it invades their lives. I cannot know their love.

I can get a pretty good idea, though. I’m pretty familiar with love in its many permutations. I’ve done quite a bit of reading on the subject by experts, and by amateurs, and I’ve got a lot of hands-on experience and heard many first-hand accounts of love. Because Love is important to me. Because I want to get it right.

Continue reading Humor me

I did get to spend some time with Sara, though. That was nice.

Sometimes I think it would have been nice to spend some time with her over the course of the last four years.

I believe that it is not my specific actions that I regret as much as my attitude and disposition over the years.

My regret is overshadowed by my hope. I know there is a giant, unknown future laid out ahead of me, and I have hope for it.

No amount of considering and reconsidering the past will change it. Only actions and decisions made in the present can change things.

Continue reading I didn’t find any Banana Bread

[Note: As of June, 2005, I had located Amanda again]

I tried to find Amanda again. Just another search with 800-US-SEARCH. This time an “Exhaustive Super Search” into which I put the only address I have been able to confirm she lived at since I lost her, here in the valley. The last time I ran a search for her, 6 months ago or more, I did a “Simple Search” and was rewarded with two old addresses in Oregon and a mis-spelled address that was the address in town that when I added an “n” in just the right place I found a place she had actually been. I had to ride my bike across town to verify that the re-spelled location was correct, but it was. The resident at the time seemed all too glad that she and her brother were gone and didn’t seem to care where they might have gone. So, I waited another 6 months before trying again.

Continue reading Looking for love in all the wrong places

What I feel like I’m about to write is probably going to involve subject matter of an adult nature. If you were in any way offended by the web address of the site you’re visiting, read no further. If you are in any way offended by subjects relating directly to or specific descriptions of my sexuality and sexual activities (past, present, future, and imagined), read no further. If you are my mother or father, you probably shouldn’t read on. (I can’t stop you, but you probably won’t like what you see, so I’m letting you know ahead of time.) If the idea that Teel even possesses sexual organs of his own baffles or disturbs you, read no further.

You have been warned. If you are still reading, it should be because you are comfortable with sexuality and sexual situations, and thinking critically about the nature of these things and how they relate to the rest of our lives and worlds. This is you last chance to get out. (Note: I can not ensure you that there will be any kind of explicit or adult material below. I haven’t written it yet. I just have been on that sort of train of thought, and I’m not planning on censoring myself, and I wanted to give you fair warning. If you’re looking for erotic literature, go someplace like http://www.asstr.org. If you’re interested in my take on my life as I see it today, read on.)

Continue reading Mating and Relationships

About ten minutes ago, I was very hungry. It was one minute until my lunch break was supposed to start, and there were calls in the queue, and I almost didn’t take one, because I really wanted to eat something. I’m too responsible for that. I took the call, gave the guy his answer, and logged it in around 90 seconds. I couldn’t get my peanut butter sambwich into my mouth fast enough.

I took a few bites of my sambwich, trying to pace myself with pretzels and sips of Crystal Light Rasberry Iced Tea beverage, when my phone started singing to me from my pocket. I couldn’t swallow in time, so I answered as clearly as I could, and finished chewing and swallowing while the caller outlined the reason for their call. They didn’t even need to say it, though; as soon as I figured out who was talking to me, I knew what they had to say.

They called to let me know that I’m not as important or meaningful as they are, and that I don’t deserve to see a person that I love on their birthday.

Continue reading Lost my appetite