Category: Journal

Something old

“I have a pool. I don’t really know how to swim, but I am strangely drawn to it. I want to stand in it, sit in it, float in the warm waters at night. I want to invite someone over to wrinkle up in the water with me. I want to invite you to float by my side as the hours and our lives drift away together. Sometimes I just want to be with someone else; the company of another can mean so much. So often when I long to be with someone else it is you who comes to mind. Then I think of distance and time. I think of patience.”

-A page of a letter I never sent.

Drinking again

I’m drinking full-calorie soda right now. You have no idea how bad that means I feel about myself right now. At least I don’t feel so bad that I’m drinking the koolaid (though this may be worse in some ways.) It’s even caffeinated. How about that? Did I tell you I decided to try to avoid the caffeine again? Well, this is me not avoiding the caffeine again. Am I trying to make myself feel bad? Don’t I already feel bad enough? Is this my heart trying to make my body reflect the way it already feels? I’m glad I’m not stupid enough to do any kind of permanent damage to myself just because I’m in a bad mood; just these little trivial things like not sleeping enough or pushing myself too hard and exhausting myself or not eating well. Nothing like carving myself or having unsafe sex or jumping off of buildings. Usually nothing that prevents me from going about fulfilling my everyday responsibilities, even.

Why can’t we fly away?

Well, last week I worked hard at cleaning this place up every night for the party. This week I’ll be working on getting everything packed up for the move next weekend. I hope I can pull that one off. I have to at least get my TV over there on Saturday; the Cox guy is coming to hook it up Saturday afternoon, and it gets shut off here then. I need to call Sprint Broadband again and schedule to have someone come out and get me hooked up at my new residence. They will charge me no less than $99 for the privelige of being hooked up at my new address, and they want to charge me an additional $99 to have them take the equipment down here. So, I’m going to see if I can find a friend with a ladder and some tools to get the thing off the roof here so they don’t rape me so hard for using their service.

All the other utilities (Power, water, gas) are turned on and in my name already. I should go over there and turn down the AC. Who knows that they have it set to. Probably going to cost me a fortune. I had to put down new deposits with all my utilities because my current accounts do not have at least a 12-month history. Only 11-month. So, at the end of July when I turn everything off at this house, I’ll get my old deposits back and be able to afford the deposits they just charged me. With any luck I’ll be able to convince them to give me back the new deposits at that time, too, which will be a real life saver. This reminds me that I’m supposed to get money from Woody soon. Theoretically, he got paid Friday, so I should be getting some money post-haste.

I want to just get out of this place. Not that I don’t like it, but … It’s starting to get on my nerves. Too many memories here that I don’t know what to do with. Too many things like last night’s party. Right now, I walk into the kitchen and I see a spread for a party that is still soo intact that it looks like the party hasn’t started yet. (Ask any of the atendees, and they may tell you that it hasn’t.) How do you think that makes me feel? I need to get all that stuff out of sight for the same reason that I had to get the engagement ring I bought for Melissa out of my possession after she gave it back to me. (“I couldn’t look at it. It made me think of you. You get in the way.” – Lisa Loeb, Firecracker)

I wish I’d burned out

“It is better to burn out than to fade away.” – Kurgan

This party was supposed to be the last big bash. The last party. A big one, a good time. See all my friends and old friends and have a good time and a great party and then move to my new place and disappear. So that people remember me happy and having a good time and have fond memories of my parties. So I can remember them as having a good time, and have fond memories of being able to throw good parties.

Alas, that is not what has occurred. Instead, the few people that bothered to show up will remember only a disappointing party, where they basically only saw the people they brought with them as the entire party. Not with a bang, but a whimper. I guess I didn’t try hard enough to invite people. I guess I didn’t sell people on the idea of the party, or I am running out of friends (as I have suspected and commented on here before), or … who knows? I got my hopes up, and they were dashed aside. I was able to remain hopeful that people would show up until around 1:20AM, because several people said they expected to be able to show up after midnight. They did not.