I’m drinking full-calorie soda right now. You have no idea how bad that means I feel about myself right now. At least I don’t feel so bad that I’m drinking the koolaid (though this may be worse in some ways.) It’s even caffeinated. How about that? Did I tell you I decided to try to avoid the caffeine again? Well, this is me not avoiding the caffeine again. Am I trying to make myself feel bad? Don’t I already feel bad enough? Is this my heart trying to make my body reflect the way it already feels? I’m glad I’m not stupid enough to do any kind of permanent damage to myself just because I’m in a bad mood; just these little trivial things like not sleeping enough or pushing myself too hard and exhausting myself or not eating well. Nothing like carving myself or having unsafe sex or jumping off of buildings. Usually nothing that prevents me from going about fulfilling my everyday responsibilities, even.
Drinking again
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Hey. Not every party is a wild crazy time. I co- hosted a lot of parties at Adams, and I co-hosted a lot of great ones (parties that people still talk about), but more than a few major flops still happened. And I think that’s what we finnally were known for (as we sizzled out pretty bad, then Adam kepy on pluggin’). Shit happens, not every party rocks.
Hey. Not every party is a wild crazy time. I co- hosted a lot of parties at Adams, and I co-hosted a lot of great ones (parties that people still talk about), but more than a few major flops still happened. And I think that’s what we finnally were known for (as we sizzled out pretty bad, then Adam kepy on pluggin’). Shit happens, not every party rocks.
Hey, I am sorry that your party didn’t turn out like you expected. I have to say, that I have thrown many parties that were not what I expected. After everyone leaves Warren and I wonder if everyone had a good time, why so and so didn’t show up, why this person left early, whatever. We always conclude that since we are boring people who throw boring parties. (I am saying that we are boring, not you. Everyone seems to enjoy themselves at your parties.) Ya know what though? We continue to have parties, our family and friends continue to show up and no one ever complains. We always spend way too much money, have way too much food that no one eats, and eat what left overs we can handle and throw the rest away. Experience and expertise only comes by doing. There is no reason that you should stop throwing parties. In your new house you should throw many parties. Impromptu or planned, just because or with a theme, some will suck, some will rock and some you won’t care, because you had fun.
I haven’t posted because I really don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I am one of the people that you care about wether I post or not. That would be a factor in my decision to post or not. “Does Teel care what I have to say about this?” Maybe that is why I didn’t make special plans to attend your party. “Does Teel care if I attend?” For a while it seemed that we had reconnected, but the last few times we talked it seemed that you were pushing me away again and I am dealing with so much in my own life right now that I just don’t feel strong enough to be pushed away. I don’t feel strong enough to hear that you do not care what I have to say. I have the feeling that you don’t really care and only wanted me at the party as an after thought to increase body count.
Teel, I love you. I always will, no matter what. I do not agree with or understand you sometimes, but I think of you often and you mean the world to me. I just thought I would tell you that, even if that doesn’t matter to you…
Hey, I am sorry that your party didn’t turn out like you expected. I have to say, that I have thrown many parties that were not what I expected. After everyone leaves Warren and I wonder if everyone had a good time, why so and so didn’t show up, why this person left early, whatever. We always conclude that since we are boring people who throw boring parties. (I am saying that we are boring, not you. Everyone seems to enjoy themselves at your parties.) Ya know what though? We continue to have parties, our family and friends continue to show up and no one ever complains. We always spend way too much money, have way too much food that no one eats, and eat what left overs we can handle and throw the rest away. Experience and expertise only comes by doing. There is no reason that you should stop throwing parties. In your new house you should throw many parties. Impromptu or planned, just because or with a theme, some will suck, some will rock and some you won’t care, because you had fun.
I haven’t posted because I really don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I am one of the people that you care about wether I post or not. That would be a factor in my decision to post or not. “Does Teel care what I have to say about this?” Maybe that is why I didn’t make special plans to attend your party. “Does Teel care if I attend?” For a while it seemed that we had reconnected, but the last few times we talked it seemed that you were pushing me away again and I am dealing with so much in my own life right now that I just don’t feel strong enough to be pushed away. I don’t feel strong enough to hear that you do not care what I have to say. I have the feeling that you don’t really care and only wanted me at the party as an after thought to increase body count.
Teel, I love you. I always will, no matter what. I do not agree with or understand you sometimes, but I think of you often and you mean the world to me. I just thought I would tell you that, even if that doesn’t matter to you…
I didn’t want to to be a wild, crazy time. I just wanted to have a good time. I wanted my guests to have a good time. If I wanted a crazy time, I would have invited more strangers, more random people to just raise the body count. Instead, I invited dozens of people that I knew mixed well, and could have a good time, and that I like spending time with in a comfortable social environment. I wanted April there because she seemed to consistantly have interesting conversations with the other people that show up, and seems to have a good time doing it. I want my guests to be happy, and they seem to be the happiest when there are other interesting people there to socialize with. We had three or four groups of people show up over the course of the evening, but each would leave out of boredom before the next showed up. Maybe the first people would have stayed a little longer if April was there being interesting, and maybe the second group and the first group would have got along well and enjoyed themselves a little better. I was doing my best to be interesting and be sure everyone was having a good time, but also trying to get them to stick around. Usually they missed each other by a matter of minutes.
I wasn’t looking for wild and crazy, I was just looking for a good time. Did you have a good time, Marie? I hope you enjoyed the movie, and I’m sorry the only other people there were Zoe and Amy (for those of you who don’t know, Zoe bought and wears the Fuck Off, Marie. T-Shirt and shares its sentiment, though he did not wear it last night), limiting the amount of social interaction available to you while you were there. Thanks for coming by.
It’s not just about body count, but there seems to be a critical mass of people that have to show up in order for everyone to have a good time. Like, everyone feels too much like its their own responsibility to be the life of the party when there are too few people, and that kind of stress is not why they went to a party.
As far as the future of parties goes, I decided long ago that my new living arangements would not be for guests. You can see this reflected more than once in my posts here. I don’t want to have people over. I’m moving there in a week, and I wanted to be social for one last time. I feel very much like that is the end of the line for me. That a line I’ve been reluctant to draw will be drawn very easily by a change of locales. I am going to “take some time off” of “playing well with others” and devote myself to a more solitary existence. There is very little that I do by the way of social activities nowadays, and they are each drawn naked before me now; I do not want this.
I didn’t want to to be a wild, crazy time. I just wanted to have a good time. I wanted my guests to have a good time. If I wanted a crazy time, I would have invited more strangers, more random people to just raise the body count. Instead, I invited dozens of people that I knew mixed well, and could have a good time, and that I like spending time with in a comfortable social environment. I wanted April there because she seemed to consistantly have interesting conversations with the other people that show up, and seems to have a good time doing it. I want my guests to be happy, and they seem to be the happiest when there are other interesting people there to socialize with. We had three or four groups of people show up over the course of the evening, but each would leave out of boredom before the next showed up. Maybe the first people would have stayed a little longer if April was there being interesting, and maybe the second group and the first group would have got along well and enjoyed themselves a little better. I was doing my best to be interesting and be sure everyone was having a good time, but also trying to get them to stick around. Usually they missed each other by a matter of minutes.
I wasn’t looking for wild and crazy, I was just looking for a good time. Did you have a good time, Marie? I hope you enjoyed the movie, and I’m sorry the only other people there were Zoe and Amy (for those of you who don’t know, Zoe bought and wears the Fuck Off, Marie. T-Shirt and shares its sentiment, though he did not wear it last night), limiting the amount of social interaction available to you while you were there. Thanks for coming by.
It’s not just about body count, but there seems to be a critical mass of people that have to show up in order for everyone to have a good time. Like, everyone feels too much like its their own responsibility to be the life of the party when there are too few people, and that kind of stress is not why they went to a party.
As far as the future of parties goes, I decided long ago that my new living arangements would not be for guests. You can see this reflected more than once in my posts here. I don’t want to have people over. I’m moving there in a week, and I wanted to be social for one last time. I feel very much like that is the end of the line for me. That a line I’ve been reluctant to draw will be drawn very easily by a change of locales. I am going to “take some time off” of “playing well with others” and devote myself to a more solitary existence. There is very little that I do by the way of social activities nowadays, and they are each drawn naked before me now; I do not want this.
Yea, I enjoyed myself. I knew Zoe would be there when I went, and I decided that I shouldn’t care. He hates someone he knows nothing about, and people that limit themselves that way don’t deserve to register on my emotional to do list.
Maybe I will get to see you before you move into solitude, we could do a movie Moday or Tuesday maybe. I can identify with April that I don’t know if you’ll care if I’m around or if you specifically don’t want me around in your new house. I’m not going to try and figure it out though. After you move there you will communicate with me or you won’t. I’ll miss you if you don’t, but you already know that.
Yea, I enjoyed myself. I knew Zoe would be there when I went, and I decided that I shouldn’t care. He hates someone he knows nothing about, and people that limit themselves that way don’t deserve to register on my emotional to do list.
Maybe I will get to see you before you move into solitude, we could do a movie Moday or Tuesday maybe. I can identify with April that I don’t know if you’ll care if I’m around or if you specifically don’t want me around in your new house. I’m not going to try and figure it out though. After you move there you will communicate with me or you won’t. I’ll miss you if you don’t, but you already know that.
While I have done the isolation thing for months before, interacting only with the Circle K clerk and occasionally the grocery attendants, I did it for a different reason I think, and I got different results than I think Teel will. I mean, I have NO idea what results will occur with Teel’s isolation, or what he wants to have come out of it, other than maybe to ba able to create more and have the privacy and freedom to act more to his nature. For me, spending six months existing as broken off from humans as possible allowed me to work out things in my mind and heart that I had been working on for years and just needed to be alone to do it. The calmness I have, the ability to sleep without reoccuring nightmares, the focus I have on my goals, and the motivation to move forward and accomplish the tasks most important to me, all came from that solitude. It allowed me to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I got to the point where I was comfortable with the idea of just working on myself and worrying about a relationship when I’ve got me largely figured out. Mostly, though, it wasn’t so much finding answers as it was finding the right questions. After that happened, I was able to start working again, got a job in the field I wanted to be in, and started working on answering those “right” questions.
So, while I have no idea what he’s planning to do with his solitude, and I hope he and I can continue to do things on a regular basis because I enjoy our friendship, I, to a degree, understand the need for solitude. Not only do I respect his decision, I think it may be the best thing he can do for himself and the people he cares about. I’ll be interested to see what the experience does for him. The question on my mind is, is his intention to do this just for a while, for the majority of his existence, or just until he doesn’t need to anymore.
While I have done the isolation thing for months before, interacting only with the Circle K clerk and occasionally the grocery attendants, I did it for a different reason I think, and I got different results than I think Teel will. I mean, I have NO idea what results will occur with Teel’s isolation, or what he wants to have come out of it, other than maybe to ba able to create more and have the privacy and freedom to act more to his nature. For me, spending six months existing as broken off from humans as possible allowed me to work out things in my mind and heart that I had been working on for years and just needed to be alone to do it. The calmness I have, the ability to sleep without reoccuring nightmares, the focus I have on my goals, and the motivation to move forward and accomplish the tasks most important to me, all came from that solitude. It allowed me to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I got to the point where I was comfortable with the idea of just working on myself and worrying about a relationship when I’ve got me largely figured out. Mostly, though, it wasn’t so much finding answers as it was finding the right questions. After that happened, I was able to start working again, got a job in the field I wanted to be in, and started working on answering those “right” questions.
So, while I have no idea what he’s planning to do with his solitude, and I hope he and I can continue to do things on a regular basis because I enjoy our friendship, I, to a degree, understand the need for solitude. Not only do I respect his decision, I think it may be the best thing he can do for himself and the people he cares about. I’ll be interested to see what the experience does for him. The question on my mind is, is his intention to do this just for a while, for the majority of his existence, or just until he doesn’t need to anymore.