Author: Teel

I’ve been trying to think about how to write this out. I’ve actually spent a lot of time thinking about this subject in general. Thinking about how to act this out, what to do, what to say, what not to do or day or think… How to make this work. How to make celibacy work again.

An active sexual life has come and gone for me over the years. When I was very young, I drew a line in the sand and said “no sex” and meant “no intercourse.” So when I was a teenager, for a couple of years, I did most everything else. Then for a couple of years I avoided sexual contact again… Until I descended into a very long, dark period where -among other things I did that I oughtn’t have- I didn’t treat people with the respect they deserved, and found it easier to make friends and get laid (still no intercourse, but otherwise quite promiscuous for a time). Then, as being an asshole wore thin, I gave it -and sexual conquest, generally, and most social contact- up. And for a few more years, there was nothing, though … not always by choice. Somewhere in there I blotted out my childhood line in the sand, thought it might be okay to have sex someday if the situation was right. ((There is an undercurrent in that of wanting to someday have another chance with Sara, and her expressing that she didn’t want to be my first, that she couldn’t stand the idea of my waiting for her in that way, even if it wasn’t for her as much as for marriage. Looking back now, I’ve known for a while that the decision to allow myself this option had a lot to do with wanting to change the way Sara looks at me, thinks of me.)) The situation just never came up. And then I moved to the mountains for a couple years, became depressed (due mostly to watching my grandparents fall apart, rot from inside), and became disillusioned about companionship (people I love don’t want to reciprocate, it seems), and it became a choice again, of a sort. And for a year or so, things just went on.

Continue reading No vow, just celibacy

I want to post about anything that doesn’t matter. I want to write about the latest episode of Heroes. I want to complain about the trivialities of my day job. I want to go on and on about all the the little things that say nothing about who I am and what I’m going through and how I feel… I want to post endlessly about this silly publishing thing I’ve taken on, and never mention what it all means to me. Hide behind a facade of meaninglessness (did I ever tell you I would have preferred this place be lessness.com, that then I could have a rotating prefix with words like meaning, hope, joy, and point taking turns at the top of the page? Alas, lessness is someone’s book about living simply), disappear, distract, with the equivalent of small talk.

I’ve never been very good, for very long, at small talk. It always manages to feel like a lie to be saying so much without saying anything at all. Which is not to say I’m not accomplished at it; simply that it feels bad to engage in it for long.

The arms of the clock loom over me as these words trickle out, as I stared for hours at an empty window, not able to type… I took my laptop, with that empty window staring at me, to bed last night and … and nothing. I ended up turning it to face the wall, so I could get some peace out from under the menacing stare of the blank page. I woke up this morning and it was still there, still empty. I’ve been working on this for an hour, I need to leave for work soon, I ought to be making lunch, the seconds tick by like accusations of another day, week, month, without posting much of anything of substance. Having to get to a day job at a certain time isn’t an easy excuse, that I didn’t have time to write, it’s a dreadful deadline, that I don’t have time to write what needs to be written.

So here’s a post that’s less. Less than small talk. Less than meaninglessness. Another post about not posting. What could be less than this?

I don’t know what to write, but I know that if I don’t write anything, I will be amiss. Perhaps words will come to me while I am at work today, perhaps I will be able to post something better tonight.

The relationship Mandy and I shared has come to an end.

I’d have to do some data mining to get an exact date, but it was around six months.

There’s another thing, a related thing, I want to write about, but I don’t want you to think that one thing was a direct/sole cause of the other, so not here, not now. Maybe the other thing will be the easier of the two to post about. I’ll think on it.

Okay, first book “ready” and uploaded to Lightning Source… They’ll either accept the files and print a proof and ship it to me in the next few days, or they’ll let me know I screwed up the files somehow. It happens. Then, if there’s problems, I try to fix them. And if there’s problems with the proof, I try and figure out what I need to do to fix the digital files, and I pay the revision fees and I pay for another proof… and hope THAT one is right. And if they accept the files and if the proof looks good, then hooray, Worth 1k — Volume 1 will be a “real” book. It’s already got an ISBN, a LCCN, all that mess.

Which means that it already IS a real book, as far as official channels are concerned. So, that’s good.

I need to re-do modernevil.com, it’s all still the old data, the old books… no one orders through it (it’s had one order, ever, and that was a sale I made in person, too), I know intellectually I can take the site down while I work on getting “proper” versions of my books available, but it feels bad to have an “Under Construction” site… generally.

Oh, well. Do it anyway. And get my other books online. Still don’t have a cover for LaNF that I’m happy with. I should work on UTFBF1-3 this weekend. Get the cover done up properly, get the insides fixed up, the the ISBN registered, request a LCCN.

That’s a bit troublesome, on account of the eleven titles. Officially, books can have a title and a subtitle, and that’s that. I’ll work something out.

What do you think? I’m torn.

Everything else is in place, I have my ISBNs, pricing structure, cover designs for two of the three books I want to get set up with my new printer, and the bulk of the bookblocks (the insides, the text) ready to go … but I applied to the Library of Congress a week or two (or three, I ought to have marked my calendar, I guess, or just done it at the same time as something else) ago to get access to Library of Congress Control Numbers for my books, and I don’t have a response yet. I’m supposed to put the appropriate LCCN on the verso of the title page, with the ISBN and Copyright stuff, it’s the magical code that allows libraries (including the Library of Congress) be able to handle my book appropriately. Without it, most libraries simply won’t accept a book.

Now, admittedly, I’m not exactly a well-known author, or really expect libraries to want to stock my books, but officially, and especially with my new printer, if anything changes on the inside of my book, I pay for it. If it’s just a little thing like putting the LCCN number in, updating the copyrights, et cetera, I only have to pay the printer – except it actually costs more to change an existing title than to set up a new one, in most cases. If I make more radical changes, such as -say- correcting errors, changing the layout, changing the cover, et cetera, it is my understanding that I need a new ISBN assigned at that point, and to set up an entirely new ‘book’ with my printer. Which, fine, the publishing industry is built around the old ways of doing things, the old models that are still in use for the bulk of the books being created, and the new(er) parts of the publishing business have to make nice with the older ones.

But if you’re just printing my book from a digital file, which I have to create to very exact specifications for your print setup, and if I’m uploading them directly to your server, and you keep restating that you won’t do anything to fix problems and don’t take responsibility if I’ve sent you a file with half the pages backwards or with elements that get cut off in the bleed … what’s all the expense for? I am aware I’m paying a lot less than it costs to have an offset run made of a single title, and that I’m setting up several, it still seems out of proportion. Probably because I’m poor.

Anyhow, I can go forward, get the books uploaded, set up, get proofs in my hands and then … I don’t know, figure out how to get them listed on Amazon. (Did you know that depression, communism, and trying to build a business from scratch don’t mix well?) Or I can stay on standby, waiting… waiting for LCCNs… patience, I suppose. Not exactly in a hurry, no deadlines but the ones I set, no co-workers or employees or marketing departments… No need to have a book’s release date coincide with a book tour or an advertising campaign… Heck, these books are already available on a limited basis. Fine. I’ve talked me out of it. I’ll keep working on the files, get things in order, and when I get my LCCNs, it’ll only take a few moments to get my files online. Right?

Okay, now I just need to find a model who will work for free, has her own wardrobe and looks like Tinkerbell. And go do a photo shoot. And then spend a couple days doing the rest of the image manipulation work needed to create the (hopefully) compelling cover I have in mind. Or I need to come up with a new idea, and … do that. Anyway, I don’t like the old cover for Lost and Not Found, and I want to create a new one before properly releasing the book.

If you look like Tinkerbell, have an outfit that looks like Tinkerbell might wear it, and want to model for free (ooh, or I could give you books as payment, if you read), please let me know.

UPDATE: I’m a jerk. I’ve been spending several hours going through all the old email in my inbox (I’ve deleted over 10,000 emails so far, mostly spam), and found that the gov’t responded in a timely fashion and I just didn’t notice, and couldn’t find it by search because they didn’t use any of the words I was expecting in their emails. So. I’ve just filled out the form to request a control number for Worth 1k — Volume 1, which I have literally ready to upload, and I’ll know what to look for when they email me in a few days to a week with the answer. Whee!