Teel – Page 363 – Teel McClanahan

Unexpected birthday gift

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Saturday, completely unexpectedly and out of the blue, my girlfriend (* I find that because of the nature of this journal, I am less likely to use her name *) gave me a birthday present. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, on September 21st, and all I got then was some toothpaste and cold medicine from my mom. Nothing else. It was a really uplifting experience…

Then, all of a sudden, my girlfriend hands me a card, and a gift. I had no idea that I would get anything from her – she doesn’t have much money, I didn’t expect anything – and she got me a new CD that I wanted. I cannot express the gratitude that I felt, and am feeling still, towards my girlfriend for being so thoughtful. Perhaps my not receiving any other gifts (* actually, my evil twin sent me a bunch of new CDs, but since I’ve never met him… *) has thrown off my perceptions.

Slowtime time again

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

“Reality is the expression of one’s personal delusions rearranging one’s personal perceptions.”

As time flows steadily past you and those around you, I trudge slowly forward through a sea of temporal misgivings. If ever I stopped pushing steadily forward through the medium of time, I would be stuck with no motivation to ever move again. The torture of a continuation of this that surrounds me is almost too much to bear as it is, and I fear that if I ever stopped, it would be far too much a burden to take it up again. All things stopped; perfect peace; would be an oasis of calm that I would likely be ready to drink from until I wasted away into non-existence. Would then time march forward, unhindered by my laziness? Perhaps then, I should look at the drag I put on the natural flow of time; when I am gone time will shoot forward with unrelenting speed. If this is true, then perhaps my stay here should be cut short; only for the good of others, mind you, not to give myself the rest I need.

Sigh… such contemplations of things is unneeded and unneccesary – I should limit its place in my life.

OJ Simpson who?

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

I just checked; I have been mentioning here about my reality problems… I don’t know anymore exactly what I’ve been doing – it keeps changing. So today everyone’s talking about this OJ Simpson trial, and until around 6 in the evening Monday night, I had no idea that he was on trial, or what for. Now, all of a sudden, I’m glad that the media gets so excitable over celebrities; otherwise, I would not be able to discuss this case like I haven’t been living in another universe. The re-capping of the trial was seemingly useless, but now I see that without having watched it, I would have little to no idea what everyone was talking about.

Worse yet is that yesterday morning, OJ was guilty, and there were more riots in LA; by afternoon, sometime when I wasn’t watching TV (* I do a lot of that, the not watching *), OJ was innocent, and LA was cheering. Not having read the news this morning, I will assume that he was found not guilty until I see otherwise. Everyone’s saying their opinions about what they thought the verdict would be – I didn’t even know about the trial until two days ago, so I do not feel either way. I’m not sure I would care anyway – no one that I know was killed or on trial…

The Fall of Marxism, last Saturday

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

The universe, as it appears to me, is becoming less and less stable as I go along from one day to the next. As I stated before, I’m used to a few things randomly changing without anyone’s notice but mine, but they used to be only minor things, and only dealing with bits of the universe that weren’t bits of me. Well, although Friday was a pretty calm day, with only a hundred or two things jumping out of place, disappearing, or changing their nature, Saturday made up for it. Before Saturday, for as long as I can remember, Karl Marx had been a great leader in Europe. His ideas, essays, and speeches had swayed the ways that the common man thought, and there had been a revolution. Marxism was adopted greatfully by most of western Europe, and rejected by the backwards nation of Russia. There was never a conflict (such as this Cold War I have been reading about) between Democracy and Marxism, even though America was firmly Democratic up until the shift on Saturday. Now, I have had to deal with a major shift in history and politics, as well as a change in my personal physiology that I do not want to discuss, and I am worried that if this continues, I will not be able to keep up.

Something in the air…

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

It’s not that I’m having a bad day, although I am, ot that either of the past two days were bad, although they were. It’s more than that, which has lead me to create 100mph winds, heavy rain and scattered hail one evening, and pounding rain the next. That the friendly meteorologists said that it was drying out and not to expect rain for a faw months doesn’t matter; I can bring clouds in under their noses in under an hour. I suppose it has something to do with all the bad things that have been happenning to me of late that are causing me to feel like I need a rain-storm powerful enough to knock two of our trees into the neighbor’s yard to help make me feel better. It’s just that sometimes I need a little release, and have found it inappropriate to take my own stresses out on the people around me directly. Or on me directly; I ate a pound of Oreos last night… not even an upset stomach or a gained pound to show for it. Oh well….