So lately I’ve been feeling a little down. By lately, I mean the last several weeks… no less than three, definitely, possibly as many as … 6? I don’t know for sure. By a little down, I mean something between a bitter melancholy and deep, raging nihilistic depression. Luckily, through years of careful training, I am now able, even in the throes of deepest, darkest depression, to get out of bed and get things done.
Author: Teel
Author, artist, romantic, insomniac, exorcist, creative visionary, lover, and all-around-crazy-person.
Expiration of messages and ideas
So, the original post about the painting on the TV is more than 5 days old. I can’t go post another comment on it. After 5 days, the messages disappear from the front page and no longer allow new comments. Sometimes I want to make comments after five days, but I know you’re not going to scroll down and see if there are new comments, let alone remember how many comments each thing had the last time you looked.
So instead of placing a comment no one would see on a post that no one remembers, I have to post a new message about the status of the painting I was doing on the TV.
How long can this go on?
I am soooooooo tired.
Tell me that I’m good
Someone still reads this. Someone out there reads this. They read it and they keep coming back and reading it and sometimes they even respond, sometimes they even contact me and let me know how my words have related to them. It feels weird.
Weird because it feels weird when I know something is true and I say it is true, and then it really is and I see I was right about the truth… it just feels weird.
Is it because so many others just have no faith that seeing my own faith ring true makes reality itself seem ingenuine?
I’m so tired. My eyes want to close. I am watching “Timecode” instead. I tried to see it in a theatre, but despite seeing trailers and advertisements for it in local theatres, it never played in the valley. I could not justify buying it, and I still won’t be considering that. I pay so much to watch movies on cable every month that I could not justify renting something. So, it has come on, and I have been watching it. And it is way past my bedtime. And I want to see how this works out, and I’m going to be tired at work tomorrow either way at this point, so no use in missing the last ten or fifteen minutes, right?
Maybe Chocolate ice cream will make me feel better. maybe cheese. maybe eating and eating and eating is the answer to all my problems. maybe sleeping all the time will make the other hours feel better. maybe distracting myself with movie after movie and huge, complex games will make me feel better. maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.
On the subject of not bringing subjects up
I think I am beginning to understand why so many people who have online journals or weblogs only post brief messages. Or perhaps I am just beginning to do so. I think other people may do it because they only have a little to say. I find that I am censoring myself. Whether this is because I don’t want what I have to say to be public knowledge (a condition I do not condone; I do not truly believe that privacy exists, so why do I still want to guard mine?) or because I worry that when I post too long a comment, no one reads it, the result is the same, and it often turns out to be no posts at all.
I am doing my best to add at least short posts, but I have been making myself so busy lately that I have been kept from creating any really long posts. Soon though, I will find myself in a new form of asceticism where I cannot afford to do much more than sit around in front of my computer typing long messages out into the internet about whatever is skipping across my mind.
I have many things to say. I will be right back to say them…