Author: Teel

(Stolen from a Comedy Central Newsletter)

by Aaron Stoker-Ring

1. Ever since that hypnotist, the word “salary” throws me into a rage.

2. R

So in the Spring of 2002, when my sister Angela and I were living together, we both decided that it would be in our best interest to lose some weight. I half-jokingly challenged her to see which of us could lose 50lbs first. I managed to lose about 5lbs since then, and I guess Angela put on a few pounds since then. But we still both want to lose the weight.

New Years is a traditional time for people to try to lose weight, so I thought I’d try to re-start this little initiative just in time for the New Year. If you look to the right on the main FYTH page, you’ll see a little chart showing our progress. I figure that having our progress public will put a little more pressure on us to do it right. The way money is going right now for me, I may not be able too afford food for long, and then the pounds should just start to drop off. It’s safe to lose weight (when losing more than 5% of your body mass) at up to 2-3lbs per week, so if we can accomplish that, we should both reach our goals by the end of the summer.

You may see more names appear in that chart. I’m going to offer spots to my friends, and if you’re trying to lose some weight, or would like to and think that public exposure would help, let me know and maybe your name will appear on the list. You don’t have to have as big a goal as 50lbs, just the desire to make your personal struggle a public one. Email me if you want to take part.

I’m not sure yet if that’s what’s going on here, but I’ve experienced this phenomenon before. So far today I have only received two calls, but I’ll let you know if it grows into the problem it was when it was really a problem. See, someone who wants to crank call you these days can’t get away with it anymore. Between caller ID and call tracing, if somone actually called you again and again to harass you, you would quickly know who it was and could press charges. But if that someone had your phone number and sent it to different pagers again and again, you’d get a lot of harassing calls that are nearly impossible to trace.

So far today, someone has paged a doctor and some other guy with my phone number. Actually, within the last 30 minutes. Luckily, since the last time someone was crank paging with my number, pager use has dropped significantly as mobile phones have become more prevalent. Oh, and most people won’t call back an unknown number. So, we’ll see.

So after spending the last four hours reading through (and following up on, when reasonable) all the new job listings for this week, I’m thinking my best bet would be to join the Navy. That would get me out of my lease (really, any military transfer would), it would teach me a new skillset, and theoretically I would be earning money, too. The Navy seems to be the only organisation posting dozens of jobs that I qualify for that each would address my current cost-of-living difficulties. Most of the listings I see that are for jobs I know I could do have included in their minimum requirements “BA or BS or 5+ years industry experience” none of which I have in really any industry. The navy has some positions that they’d like candidates with degrees in hand for, but those are the ones they give big signing bonuses to. I don’t need a big signing bonus, I just need a job.

I don’t particularly want to join the military, though. I like it here. Oh yeah, and I’m predicting a war within the next few years. I don’t know how I feel about getting involved in a war. How do you feel about me being trained to use a variety of weapons and to kill people? I bet I could even sign up to learn to be a nuclear technician, and then I might get to work with nuclear materials. How does that make you feel? Me, getting my hands on fissionable materials, and being trained on how to use them. (insert evil cackle here)

How long are military contracts for? I was going to have to work that long to get out of my debt and leave the country anyway. I suppose I should go shop around the different branches though, and see who is offering the sweetest honey pot. Bonuses would be learning skills I want to have, earning plenty of money, and/or getting out of the military the fastest, I think. What do you think?

Except that I just made a new friend and it would be a shame to all of a sudden disappear into the military, I can’t think of why not anymore. Something about the desperation of unemployment finally eating away at my soul. Or is that just mildew?

I had a good afternoon this afternoon. I’m not sure I’ll allow myself to post about it, though. But despite the fact that my laptop’s battery has finally and totally bit the dust and will absolutely not even attempt to hold a charge anymore, effective today, it was a good day. I spent a good time in good company. I worry (as I seem always to do) that I talked too much and said to little, or that I was not forward enough in the ways I wanted to be forward and too forward in ways that matter little, or that I’m reading too much into too little details or not reading enough into details so big I can’t see them, and oh? Am I thinking too much? Already? And maybe revealing things about the way I’ve been thinking that are the reason I wasn’t going to allow myself to post about what I’ve been thinking? (And feeling, don’t forget that you’ve been feeling today, too!)

Time for bed, I think. Though my heart is racing and I feel as alive and awake as ever, I have been awake since 6:15 or so this morning, and should probably get some rest. I still have a bit of a stuffy nose, you know, and ought to give myself a chance to heal. So next time I won’t have to worry about getting people sick, and who knows what I’ll do if I’m not worried about making someone sick? It was so … unexpected. So … unlike the zero chapter of Forlorn. I wonder what the next chapter of this book will be like. I’ve already said too much.