Life and love are not zero-sum games. One is not required to lose so that another can win.
In fact, usually, when one person “loses” in life and/or in love, everyone involved loses, too. No one “wins” when life is lost, when love is lost.
There’s a lesson about violence and confrontation that they try to teach that says that “the only way to win is not to play.” This is generally valid; if you can keep from playing, you’re generally better off than you would be if you had played at violence. In life and in love, if you (or the people you’re involved with) decide to treat it as a game, and especially as a zero-sum game, the same rule applies.
Of course, if you choose not to play (or if you choose to play it as the non-zero-sum game that it is, where everyone can win), those who are playing that way sure can make it feel like you’ve lost.
There’s a song I’ve been listening to lately, learned the words of so I could sing it to myself, and while the overwhelming message is forward-looking, there is a very softly-sung section which says “Take me to a / place so holy / that I can wash this from my mind / the memory of choosing not to fight.” And the whole song is beautiful, but this part … when I was first trying to learn the lyrics I had trouble making it out and remembering it until I finally heard the entire thing and understood it and it really hit home. Lately I’ve been in a situation where I chose not to fight, where I could have, perhaps should have, and could maybe have “won” – except for a variety of reasons, including the idea repeating in my mind that “the only way to win is not to play,” I chose not to fight. And this part of the song… I hope someday I’ll be able to wash this from my mind: the memory of choosing not to fight.
Have I lost? Could I have won if I’d chosen to play, to fight? I don’t think anyone’s won, the way things have come down, and while I don’t regret what I’ve done and what I haven’t done (save for a few evil thoughts and a single mis-statement I haven’t had the chance to clarify), I wonder if what I’ll remember most about it is that I chose not to fight. That it turned out the way it did because I’d never decided to treat it as a game, never tried to “play to win” at the expense of the others involved.
Or will I remember all the beautiful moments where I’d allowed myself to remain ignorant of the obvious impending “loss” and thus experienced bliss?
I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can’t look down
If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You’ll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
– Sarah McLachlan, Answer
