A good friend of mine gifted me a calendar today, since I didn’t have one yet, and he had extra. Very appropriately to how things have been going lately and are going forward in my life and the lives of those around me, this is the image/message for February. I cannot decide whether to hang it right here over my desk at home or whether to take it to work and hang it up. I mean, I’ve always thought this company’s calendars were appropriate for the workplace, but perhaps this year is going to be all about personal suffering rather than work-related suffering. I shall have to ponder this at length.
I discovered something this week – in iChat, if you want to “block” someone, so they can’t see when you’re online and you can’t see when they’re online and neither one of you can message each other, you both have to be online at the same time and be able to see each other. In fact, the “block buddy” option is greyed out until you actually open a chat window with the person as though to chat with them. Weird.
When I came home tonight, I expected my dad to already be home, but the truck was not here. I was then informed that apparently when one (say, my father) gets distracted while driving and runs a red light, the likelyhood of having your vehicle struck by another moving vehicly increases. Or rather, I was informed that my father ran a red light and got hit. They say he’s okay and that just the back of the truck was messed up and that the people in the other truck are okay, and he’ll be home in a couple of hours, after dealing with the police. So. Interesting times.
Let’s see. My dad got in a car crash tonight. [name removed]’s husband left her the other day, maybe for good, maybe just for a while. My friend [name removed] is in the beginning stages of leaving her husband after having an affair with another man (whom she has already split from). [name removed] got arrested a few days ago for [crime removed], and the repurcussions of that will probably cost -if his lawyers are good and a best-case scenario occurs- not less than $20k-$50k and several years of his life dealing with the consequences, even if there is NO prison time. [name removed] recently found that the amount of fixed expenses she has every month is actually smaller than the amount of income she earns, and … that’s a tough spot to be in, as you can imagine. Oh, and did I mention that in addition to other problems going on in their life, [name removed] invited – actually invited – the demon I helped to exorcize (not a month later) back into their life? (Feel free to consider that a metaphor, if you don’t believe angels and demons and higher powers exist. Yep. A metaphor. Probably for addiction, right?) What else? Who else needs our prayers?
[name removed] is pregnant, but in poor health and lost a pregnancy last year, so she needs our prayers, too. [name removed] may be pregnant, but if she finds out she really is she won’t be for long, and that’s not easy either, so she needs our prayers, too.
Me? What about me? No, no. As I tried to tell someone earlier (they wouldn’t have it, either), my problems, my stresses, my worries, my depression – compared to the problems of just my closest friends and family, I have no problems.
Despite distracted and emotional driving all over town today (West to 60th Avenue, East to Country Club in Mesa, South to the 60, North back home, and many stops in between, Glendale, Mesa, Tempe, Downtown Phoenix, North Phoenix… It’s been a long day) – no car crashes for me. And heck, pretty soon here I’ll just be riding my bike to and from work full time to try to make my dad less stressed out, so … there’s that.
I’m not legally married to anyone, so I can’t exactly lose a spouse. Heck, by any reasonable reckoning, except for a couple of weeks of fantasy with Sara in 2000 I’ve been -single- since Sara dumped me … seven years ago this week, actually. So … yeah. No children or property or heartache to split up, no trial separation or life turning upside down or relocations – I am “spared” these problems by being “spared” intimate companionship. No divorce, no “paperwork and other details” to work out for me.
I’m not committing any ongoing crimes that I’m aware of. The closest I get to this, I think, is that there’s someone I know right now who would perhaps like to commit a violent crime against me – but that’s not the same thing, and by no means certain to occur. So, no arrests, no jailtime, no lawyer’s fees, no pending prison time or potential permanent loss of freedoms for me.
I live as a guest in my family’s house, and aside from the ongoing debt payments I’ve been making for years and will continue to be making for at least another couple of years (suddenly coming into money notwithstanding) and perhaps as long from now as I’ve been single, none of my bills are really “needed” – I can live without a mobile phone and without the internet and without movies all the time, in theatres and netflix, and … and so my fixed expenses are so low that I can actually keep it paid at minimum wage if I needed to. Life circumstances may be changing for me, soon, but … we’re not there, yet. Money is not a problem for me right now.
I exorcize demons, I don’t invite them into my life. So, none of that. And I can’t get pregnant myself … though I suppose that if I tried, and they were willing to carry it instead of preventing or destroying it, I might be able to get someone else pregnant … but … well, that’s not the case, is it? So, none of that.
What do I have?
Well, I fell in love with someone who won’t allow herself to love me in return… for whatever reasons. For those of you who have never found a love that “worked out” and lasts, this probably seems familiar. For those of you who have never found love at all, this probably sounds foolish. For those of you who have found love, who have love, lasting love and functional marriage (by which I refer to most of my closest friends), you have what I wish this could have been – imagine that your love suddenly stopped loving you or never loved you, and that is where I am with this right now. Where I have been before, and hoped I would not find myself again. I feel worthless. I feel unlovable.
Well, I have that friend who … despite my best efforts, couldn’t believe they deserved to live without evil forces directly influencing their life. Who I went through … not an easy set of circumstances … to help out of the fix they had long been in, and who put themselves right back in that same untennable situation despite my warnings. I feel like a failure, inept and useless, because I could not really help them, in the long run. Not to mention that every other problem I’ve mentioned my friends and family having is … it’s all things I can’t really help with or change in any positive way. I mean, I can pray for them, but … how useless does that make me feel?
Well, I have recently come into a set of circumstances that, for various reasons (including that potential, impending violence I mentioned), means that the “social life” I have been enjoying these last few months must be … ended abruptly. I will not be able to continue meeting with the group of people I have been meeting with. I will not be able to communicate in any way with certain members of the group, perhaps ever again. The closest thing to a “social life” I have had since … early 2001 … ended tonight after only about three months existence. Which sucks for me, but … what kind of a problem is that? Sure, I feel bad about it, but …
This isn’t anything, is it?
This is just … life. The biggest problems I have are … a joke, right? Unrequited love, not being able to help my friends with their problems, being generally isolated socially – these are not a big deal. These are not things people mark on their calendars or remember for years to come, this is just … everyday life, right? So …
So why do I feel so bad?
I’m sure part of it is because … well, I feel bad because I feel I have no right to feel bad. My life hasn’t been fucked up – I wish it had, in some ways. Everything’s going … reasonably well. Food, shelter, covered. Entertainment, creative outlets, covered. Family and friends who care about me, got it. So what right have I got to feel this way? So I feel bad about feeling bad. And then I feel dumb for that, which doesn’t exactly feel good.
So, fuck.
yes, I’m heartbroken. yes, I’m lonely. yes, I’m impotent/inept to help the people I care about.
yes.
I feel bad.
yes.
I still feel bad, but mixed with that is something new. Something I don’t remember ever noticing / feeling before.
I mean, the level of bad I feel right now is … roughly equivalent with the worst parts of the worst depression I’ve experienced. But there’s a difference. When one is depressed, one feels this way for no discernable reason. If there was a reason, a death, a loss, a heartache, it wouldn’t be depression. I have a reason to feel this way! I’m not depressed, I’m just sad. Very, very sad.
It is almost triumphant to be able to be sad instead of depressed for once. It’s like … finally, my life has meaning associated with these intensely awful feelings. When I have to stop myself from breaking down in tears every little while, at least I know why I feel so bad.
I made a mistake at work today, and after having such a hard time getting through the day and having a couple of meetings with my supervisors, I’m taking a couple/few more days off to try to recover. But at least my mistake didn’t get me fired or involve ‘going postal’ and killing people; that’s good.
I still feel bad, but mixed with that is something new. Something I don’t remember ever noticing / feeling before.
I mean, the level of bad I feel right now is … roughly equivalent with the worst parts of the worst depression I’ve experienced. But there’s a difference. When one is depressed, one feels this way for no discernable reason. If there was a reason, a death, a loss, a heartache, it wouldn’t be depression. I have a reason to feel this way! I’m not depressed, I’m just sad. Very, very sad.
It is almost triumphant to be able to be sad instead of depressed for once. It’s like … finally, my life has meaning associated with these intensely awful feelings. When I have to stop myself from breaking down in tears every little while, at least I know why I feel so bad.
I made a mistake at work today, and after having such a hard time getting through the day and having a couple of meetings with my supervisors, I’m taking a couple/few more days off to try to recover. But at least my mistake didn’t get me fired or involve ‘going postal’ and killing people; that’s good.
I know this sounds cold, but I’m glad to hear you are getting on with the process of loss. You seemed to not be emotionally connected to it before, and I was very worried. As we discussed, this will take time. All of your friends, including myself, will be here for whatever help we can offer. As you know, it’s all really about time, and there isn’t a lot we can do other than be around.
When we were talking today you had to go very abruptly when I asked about your day today. If you want to talk about it, let me know, if not, I’ll assume you don’t want me to bring it up again. That’s okay, too.
I know this sounds cold, but I’m glad to hear you are getting on with the process of loss. You seemed to not be emotionally connected to it before, and I was very worried. As we discussed, this will take time. All of your friends, including myself, will be here for whatever help we can offer. As you know, it’s all really about time, and there isn’t a lot we can do other than be around.
When we were talking today you had to go very abruptly when I asked about your day today. If you want to talk about it, let me know, if not, I’ll assume you don’t want me to bring it up again. That’s okay, too.
Every time I talk to you or chat with you for the last year or so, you’ve basically come across as a bitch and reminded me in one way or another that I don’t like you very much. It’s the same thing reading your blog, it’s the same thing reading your comments, I still get the urge to tell you to “Fuck off, Marie” all the time. I really don’t know why we’re still friends.
But, we seem to be.
So.
If I’m in a state where I don’t feel confident I’ll be able to restrain myself, I may be abrupt with you, as I was today. Telling a co-worker to fuck off was the mistake I made earlier in the day, so I was already concentrating on being quiet and not making the same mistake twice.
Probably I’ll feel better after a few days, but I wish you wouldn’t be so condescending all the time, it really makes me feel a lot worse than I need to, and is like the opposite of helping.
Every time I talk to you or chat with you for the last year or so, you’ve basically come across as a bitch and reminded me in one way or another that I don’t like you very much. It’s the same thing reading your blog, it’s the same thing reading your comments, I still get the urge to tell you to “Fuck off, Marie” all the time. I really don’t know why we’re still friends.
But, we seem to be.
So.
If I’m in a state where I don’t feel confident I’ll be able to restrain myself, I may be abrupt with you, as I was today. Telling a co-worker to fuck off was the mistake I made earlier in the day, so I was already concentrating on being quiet and not making the same mistake twice.
Probably I’ll feel better after a few days, but I wish you wouldn’t be so condescending all the time, it really makes me feel a lot worse than I need to, and is like the opposite of helping.
Go to Europe.
Go to Europe.
I have put a lot of thought into a response to you. I have written several drafts of letters and statements and feelings. What they all seem to come down to in the end though, is just asking you to repeat or expand upon the fact that you, in fact, do not like me. It’s as if somehow that response is going to be different, when I believe that it won’t be. After some thought, it seems unnecessary to make you repeat yourself, and it seems unnecessary to share my feelings on this matter with you.
You have been a large part of my life for many years, and you will always hold a place here. Clearly there is no reason for us to continue communicating with each other, and at times, I’ll miss that, but such is life. I wish you all the best, Teel.
I have put a lot of thought into a response to you. I have written several drafts of letters and statements and feelings. What they all seem to come down to in the end though, is just asking you to repeat or expand upon the fact that you, in fact, do not like me. It’s as if somehow that response is going to be different, when I believe that it won’t be. After some thought, it seems unnecessary to make you repeat yourself, and it seems unnecessary to share my feelings on this matter with you.
You have been a large part of my life for many years, and you will always hold a place here. Clearly there is no reason for us to continue communicating with each other, and at times, I’ll miss that, but such is life. I wish you all the best, Teel.