More lyrics, and on money…

In my dreams I’m dying all the time
Then I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye

-Moby, Porcelain

Money is a funny thing.

At the start of the year, I started setting aside a certain percentage of my money into my savings account from every paycheck. The intention was that that money would be used solely for publishing-related costs. Then, when I got my tax refunds, I put those 100% into the savings account, for the same purpose. Now, with various things that have been going on in my life, I’ve been spending a little bit more than I expected to be.

$50 for dinner here (most of that back in cash, as my dining companions paid me with cash and I put the entire meal on mycard), $50 for Harkins there, $50 towards my calling card here, $30 for …something green, something pink, and some paint pens, $16 for two DVDs at Zia, $23 for dinner one night at Denny’s… and only one of these payments, the Harkins one, was really … scheduled or expected. But the money’s there. I just … moved it out of savings, $50 at a time.

Today is payday, though, so this morning I went in to see if I’d gone too far.

$$$ of money borrowed against savings, plus the appropriate percentage of the new income leaves just so much money in the account. I looked at what fixed payments I need to make between now and my next paycheck, and … it looks like there’s more than enough money to make my payments, repay my savings, and keep putting that %age into savings. Which is … a funny thing. But a blessing.

There always seems to be enough money when I need money for the things I need. So when recent events came up that I needed to spend more money than was ‘normal’, I didn’t worry about it, I just spent it, and … it was there. It’s there. There’s enough to meet my needs, and more. Story of my life.

Of course, now that I’m down on myself about spending so much money to become a slightly-more-legitimate publisher (though still not really a publisher, I’m faced with a big chunk of money that could go towards paying down some of my debt. I can register myself as a publisher, register my books with the Copyright office and the Library of Congress, and order a bunch of copies of my books to sell and give away, OR… I can pay off six months of Discover Card minimum payments all at once (saving on a bit of interest, of course, in the process, but still having to make all those payments), or half of an entire VISA account. Or perhaps dole it out slowly, making payments twice as large as normal on all my accounts for two or three months (or select accounts for four or five months).

Or make a down payment on a used car. Or … for a little while I was looking at re-apportioning the money to moving across town and getting an apartment with [names withheld], but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen … ever. Or skipping the big cost of becoming slightly more legitimate and just ordering a BIG-ish order of (a hundred or more instead of a dozen) books to sell and to send out to reviewers and agents and what-not. Someone suggested that I take the money and use it to go out of town for this long weekend. Another that I keep building it until I can afford to go to Europe.

I don’t know. I’m sure the right answer will be revealed to me at the appropriate time. That’s how it seems to go, with me. Right now, the universe seems to be saying that saving this money, this exact amount of money, is what I ought to be doing. When it comes time to use it, it will be exactly the right amount, and whatever I need it for will be made clear.

Oh, and above and below are the lyrics to some songs I’d noted a couple of days ago wanting to post here. So here they are. Now, for a shower and a shave and I’m leaving again. I actually got some writing done last night, which is good, and I think I’m about to lead my characters quickly through an unwinnable series of battles and obstacles to reach the gruesome, horrifying “birth” scene that closes out Book Two. While I’m mentioning it, I’ve just updated the PDF of the “book so far”, 29,478 words (approximately 3/5 complete) for only $0.59! By Grapthar’s Hammer, what a savings! In book form, the completed text will be $15, and in PDF form, $5. You can’t beat $0.59 for this much … insanity? Anyway. Yeah.

Feeling marginally better. Actually, almost back to “normal” – normal for Teel, anyway. I can almost remember how I managed to live, day to day, before I met her. Without her. That’s a good thing. Oh, and for those of you who were aware that yesterday morning when I woke up my heart wasn’t beating at all, I seem to have a pulse again now. It’s weak, but it’s as fast as it used to be. I’m probably recovering. Or maybe my backup heart kicked in. Anyway, I’m off for now.

this is the first day of my last days
i built it up now i take it apart climbed up real high now fall down real far
no need for me to stay the last thing left i just threw it away
i put my faith in god and my trust in you
now there’s nothing more fucked up i could do
wish there was something real wish there was something true
wish there was something real in this world full of you
i’m the one without a soul i’m the one with this big fucking hole
no new tale to tell twenty-six years on my way to hell
gotta listen to your big time hard line bad luck fist fuck
don’t think you’re having all the fun
you know me i hate everyone
wish there was something real wish there was something true
wish there was something real in this world full of you
i want to but i can’t turn back
but i want to

-Nine Inch Nails, Wish