An apology, a prayer

I need to make an apology, a retraction. What would probably be the thing the ‘normal’ person does is to edit or remove the original post, but I don’t edit or delete my posts. It’s all there.

I knew from even the moment I first wrote that post that there were things there, sentiments that I shouldn’t be having in quite that way, and that I should try to wait until I had calmed down a little more before posting. I also knew that it was time sensitive to post. So… It went up in the heat of the moment, and I need to make some apologies, some retractions.

Not that I expect the people I’m apologizing to are still reading this, but … I’m also apologizing to my friends for being so harsh, to myself and to God for letting myself go too far… I should never have threatened anyone, and I apologize for allowing myself to react that way.

And now, a story.

Earlier today at work I took a look at, to see what the verse of the day is. I also get a scripture emailed to me every morning from The Berean, but you can never get enough bible, can you? So anyway, today’s verse was Romans 13:9, which I thought I understood, but wanted to look at again in context, so I used the convenient field at the top of the page to take the “:9” off, and read the entire chapter, Romans 13. I’ve been pretty interested lately in understanding the context of quotes and scriptures better, so this was pretty natural.

Often, I’ve found, when I find a verse that speaks to me or something in my head or otherwise jumps out at me, reading the verses before and after it creates a clearer understanding in my head, and reading the entire chapter really frames it well.

But today, after reading Romans 13, I felt like I was just getting a glimpse from the middle of the lessons my spirit was guiding me to learn, and I removed the “13” from the field and started reading Romans all the way through from chapter 1 to the end (chapter 16). Luckily, my urge to read the book of Romans came right before I was going to be taking a 1/2hr break, and I got through over half of it before that break was up, coming across many scriptures that spoke directly to me, and to questions I’ve been facing and thinking about, and then my break was over and I went back to work for a while, and I was reading scriptures in a little window as I worked, back and forth with my concentration without slowing down noticably at my actual work… most of my concentration was on my work.

And then I was thinking again about a mistake I made a couple of weeks ago and the mistake I made with that post and … and this is something I’ve been thinking of again and again since they occurred without being able to really … deal with it properly … I mean, I know that what has been done cannot be undone, but I was still holding a lot of anger towards these people for hurting someone I love, and I know that love “always protects” and I knew that thinking that was somewhat just an excuse to cover something that WASN’T really based out of perfect love, but … I couldn’t seem to let go of that feeling that … it seemed just that anyone who hurt someone I love ought to be brought to harm of one kind or another. And another book I’ve been reading, I went through a couple of chapters this morning that talked a lot about how the people one surrounds oneself with ought to be good and Godly people and also about how to move on and let go of the past and a lot of other things that, when I got to Romans 12:9-21, all came together in my mind. Romans 12:9-21 says:

   9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

   14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

   17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

…and and particularly on verse 14… well, frankly I broke down in prayer and tears and apology and … I prayed that the lord would be with these people who I had felt were attacking and persecuting me and who I am fairly certain are not saved, and I prayed that He would bless them and help them and bring them peace and guidance, and thanked Him for the peace He has been blessing me with, and for the guidance that had led me finally to letting go of the anger and resentment and bad feelings I had been holding on to, and on and on, addressing each person I’d had negative thoughts about in turn, righting my heart and mind to where they should have been from the start.

And then I finished reading the chapter and went back to work, finishing reading the book of Romans before the end of the day, learning even a few more lessons from it.

But the most impactful and significant thing that I got from it that I’m allowed to post about is this repenting, this apology, this retraction. If I find out you have continued to hurt her (though I really have stopped, so I have no way of knowing what’s going on right now, whether you’re still making things worse or giving her time and space and freedom to heal), mentally, emotionally, or twisting her out of shape in any other ways, I may show up at your doorstep, but I will not intend to do you harm. I will try to help you, to find out what part of your life needs attention so that you don’t keep causing pain for other people, to lead you out of whatever darkness you are operating out of, or at the very least to try. Maybe there is someone else better suited to helping you, and I can try to connect you. Maybe all I will be able to do is continue to pray for you. But not to harm you.

I probably would never have harmed you anyway, but … I’m glad I’ve let all that anger go. And I truly am sorry for having written what I wrote, for threatening and insulting you. I do believe you have been causing her grievous harm (some of you intentionally), and I know that the way you have treated her, the things you have done to her, made her do and think, are wrong and horrible and painful and not the way anyone should treat someone they claim is their friend. I also know that it is not my place to judge or punish, that I need to treat you with love and kindness, and that all I can do is pray for you. My hand raised in violence against you will not change you or help you, only God’s hand on your heart and soul will.

I’m sorry.

Please do not take this as being about her, as being me not stopped. I have stopped. This is about you and me and God, and about me trying to apologize for my mistake. I should never have acted out or spoken out against you or threatened you, and I truly am sorry. Please try to understand and accept this.

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Author, artist, romantic, insomniac, exorcist, creative visionary, lover, and all-around-crazy-person.

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