Just got home

I should probably be sleeping. Fuck, I should probably have camped out in Phoenix one more night and gone shopping at Sam’s Club in the morning. I just got back a while ago from a short trip to Phoenix. Went down Thursday mid-day, did all the shopping dad needed done except the Sam’s Club shopping, since it included perishables, and then went to the house. Went to a free screening of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a movie which I recommend and will either post about or write a review about or just … sit and think about… soon and for a while… with Heath and two of his girl-friends. Got some nice souveneirs by answering some movie trivia. Went to Marie’s to pick up some art supplies she’d rescued for me and hung out for a while. Slept. Got up, met Art at AZ Mills to watch Dawn of the Dead, an excellent zombie movie. Did a little shopping, got a bath mat and some new pajamas and some sandals (that reminds me to update my Wants list on the right there), drove over to Centerpoint. My brain mis-calculated on time, I thought I had more than I did, so we watched Taking Lives (a pretty good movie, though since I identify most strongly with smart serial killers in this sort of movie, the end felt un-needed and tacked-on) and I didn’t have time to wander around Centerpoint and see what’s changed or even to go look at all the stuff I can’t afford to buy at Zia’s in Tempe. We returned to the north side of town and spent an hour trying to get a letter from Heath’s church… I won’t explain the whole thing, but … they’ve been saying they’d send the letter for weeks, they said they’d mail it, fax it, re-fax it, and then Thursday I took Heath to see his youth-pastor about it, and the youth-pastor said he would write the letter and have it for us, but then he didn’t and the woman who said she’d done it and mailed it and faxed it twice didn’t have it at all or remember it at all and … anyway, we did get it, great, but that took an hour I wasn’t planning on spending on that. Then back to the house to pick up our stuff and head over to Sam’s Club which, based on the best information I have, closes at 9. I know I’m running late, but we get there at about 8:37PM knowing exactly what we need and that we should be able to get it and get out well before closing. Except that when we get there we learn that they close, apparently, at 8:30. So now a short list with a couple of fairly important items on it does not end up fulfilled and in the car. So I stop by WalMart next door to pick up a couple of things (pens, paper, a sandwich for supper) and after eating we get on the road. And then a little while after I’d been here I realized that there isn’t anything pressing for me to do in the morning, or for Heath, we could have stayed another night, just gone back to the house and slept … or gone out, even and had a good time … and gone to Sam’s Club in the morning, got the stuff, and come home… possibly before I’ll even wake up tomorrow morning, at this rate. It was a mistake. I know this.

A mistake on a mistake on a mistake.

I’m not perfect. I know this. Sometimes things go wrong. This is life.

My little problems are nothing.

Didn’t pick up some items. Didn’t figure out to stay in town. Spent too much money. Whatever. My little problems are nothing.

Some friends of mine lost a pregnancy two nights ago, are unemployed, and are still facing health problems I’ve never really experienced the like of personally.

Every week at bible study during prayer requests I hear stories about people who have real problems. I don’t have ‘real’ problems. The closest thing I have to a ‘real’ problem is that in a month or so, if my furniture doesn’t start selling, I may have some trouble paying all my bills. In a day or a week or a month or a year my grandmother and/or grandfather may pass away. I need around $1200 in dental repairs. (Not cosmetic, this is $1200 in complicated fillings.) I’m not getting as much writing or furniture-building done as I’d like, and my creative endeavors aren’t producing as much income as I’d like, yet. I’m not sick. I haven’t got a mortgage or car payments to pay or face losing my home and transportation. I haven’t just lost a loved-one unexpectedly. I don’t have an ill spouse. No divorce, no death, no moving or getting or losing a job or jobs, no starving or even just ‘going without’ once in a while. My problems are not … They’re not ‘real’ problems.

I’m not asking for problems. I’m glad I don’t have real problems. Most of the time, my cavities don’t even hurt, and I’ve never paid a debt payment late, and I’ve just had a year more than anyone expected with my grandparents alive and I might be about to have another. And at least I’ve got the time and resources to write and at least try to follow my dreams. And there’s food on the table and wood in the stove at night (well, I haven’t built a fire tonight, despite the cold, because I keep thinking I’ll be climbing under my electric blanket any minute now) and all of a sudden satellite TV in addition to all my other entertainment options. What have I really got to complain about or even really be upset about?

So why am I so stressed out and upset and depressed and feel like complaining … or at least writing about all the little things that go wrong, all the mistakes I make or problems I have, no matter how insignificant or minor?

Why can’t I just … feel good? Focus on all the good things? Write about the beautiful and wonderful and easy things in my life? Be happy with what I have? Work hard for what I want, and be satisfied with the work?

I’m behind on words… I’ve been away from my home, my computer, but I haven’t stopped thinking, feeling, having things to say and emotions to express.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was a beautiful and touching and engaging and romantic and emotional and gripping film that … that just made me feel bad in the end. It’s a beautiful movie about the power of love that made me wish I had someone to love that way. Made me wish there was a love in my life, just to create the possibility of such an intense display of the life-altering power of love. I’ll… I’ll probably write at length about it … soon-ish.

I’m going to go try to sleep.

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Author, artist, romantic, insomniac, exorcist, creative visionary, lover, and all-around-crazy-person.