It is … very late.
I have been … well, let me try to write this in the right order …
My Christmas gift from my father arrived Thursday. The Journey to Wild Divine, a computer “game” that uses biofeedback to interact with in-game “events” and challenges and which helps one improve conscious control of their heart rate, blood pressure, breathing patterns, muscle tension, etc… through the process of the game. It includes biofeedback hardware, so was not something I expected to be able to afford myself soon, so it made an excellent gift. I am glad to have it. Due to various factors, we decided I could open it as soon as it arrived, Thursday, and install it (it has PC and Mac versions both, and since it only has one set of biofeedback hardware, I could really only use one copy of it at a time if I wanted to…) on this (my father’s) PC. The whole family has been trying it out, with varying levels of success and interest. And where I knew that one of the primary reasons I was interested in it was that I have trouble relaxing and I have … seemingly unhealthy heart … conditions, I was not expecting immediate success with it. The first time I tried it, I was trying it with my brother, and while he could do “Okay” right away, I simply couldn’t relax enough to get it to respond. Or get my energy up enough for it to respond, when that was required. But tonight I played at it for almost two hours and learned some effective relaxation techniques.
Now, the game will teach some to me… but I have a knack for doing things in the wrong order, and I have done a fair amount of exploring and a few events that I “don’t yet know how to do” I have completed … anyway, such that probably I’ll come to the beginning relaxation technique … later. And I haven’t quite worked out the proper way to raise my energy, but I saved right before the game was going to teach me that, so maybe tomorrow. But let me say this: Where on the first three times I tried to do the relaxation events I couldn’t get more than a whisper of relaxation, tonight I found success.
It really became clear to me at a little pond surrounded by six golden frogs where my relaxation’s effect was that it rained harder the more I relaxed. First a darkening sky, then a little sprinkling of rain, and as I reached the appropriate stage of relaxation, a good, soothing downpour, which triggered a (fairly awful, new-age) song.
You see, instead of just trying to count as I breathed in and out, or to watch the little sparkle that represents my energy level move in response to me, as soon as I relaxed enough that the rain began to sprinkle, specific imagery came into my mind. Standing in the rain next to Jen. A soft sprinkling, a harder downpour, getting wet and all that, but feeling good … being with her. Just Jen, entering my mind at all, moved that sparkle half an inch. I closed my mind and visualized the memories I have with her in the rain, and I could feel myself relaxing. I opened my eyes and my little blue sparkle was calmer than it had ever shown. I continued to think about her, about times we’ve shared, about the feeling of her body pressed hard against mine in a hug, and she carried me right through into a full-fledged rainstorm.
And I kept going through relaxation events, and I tried their recommended breathing exercises with some success, but then I would think about Jen, about perhaps what it would be like to be “with” her, in a relationship, in marriage, anywhere my imagination glanced, I realized in my mind, and generally became more and more relaxed. As I progressed, right up to the point where I was about to learn the invigorating “Heart Breath”, I fixed it into my mind to go, finally, and read her blog. I talk to her on the phone and in person infrequently, but … I have not been reading her blog … well, when I was first linked to it I found only posts gushing and/or ranting about her current or lost loves respectively, (two men she chose to be with immediately following two occasions I expressed interest in her and she said she was not looking for a relationship at the time) and … could not bring myself to pick it up as daily reading. So at around one thirty, I switched from the Wild Divine to Jen’s blog. I read back … most of the way through it … a little over a year’s worth of posts, and … most of the major events I remember… except that I guess … she doesn’t seem to tell me (directly) about her relationships when they’re going good, only when they’re going bad. And apparently censors me completely out of her life. Which .. I know I’m not a big part of it right now, and I know that … when she is “with” another man she doesn’t want them to really know I even exist … but … oh well. I … got past the early posts about the troubled times at the end of her relationship with the father of her son and … petered out. I looked up and it was 2:45AM.
And … and as I was reading through her blog, I was downloading iTunes 4.2 for Windows (an update from the 4.0 that was here), but it had another 15+ minutes left, so I started writing this. And right -now- it’s a little after 3:30AM. And the “posted” time below is … the time I’ve finished this and put it online. So forgive any spelling or typing errors, please; I’m probably just dreaming all this.
And speaking of dreams, I need to stop dreaming of Jen. I tried calling her the other day and … she was clearly distraught. She sounded like she had been sobbing. She sounded like she needed a hug. She wouldn’t say what had happened, what was going on, anything. I have some wild guesses, but … of course … they’re wild. It could be that, it could be anything. She should be happy, proud, she just finished school and is now (or will very soon be, depending on how long the paperwork takes to process) a licensed massage therapist. She’s worked long and hard to reach this point, and she deserves congratulations and respect at the least. Due to timing and transportation issues I could not be there at her graduation ceremony, and for that I am sorry. But … there is something else. I want to be there for her. Really be there for her. But it seems like she doesn’t want to let me do that. When something is wrong, or right, I want to be someone she is comfortable talking to about it, sharing it with. But … she doesn’t. And I’m not sure she has anyone else for some of it. I worry about her. I want to help if I can, to be a listening ear and … do whatever I can… I want at least to know that someone is there for her, if it can’t, or she won’t let it, be me. But even that seems to be blocked now.
I close my eyes and see her, and I can imagine the two of us together, I can see behind my eyelids Jen not just an old friend, but a wife. I can see her son not just as someone else’s child, but as someone whose life I could take part in. I have a rich and vivid imagination. And unfortunately, it seems, almost no contact with reality. I don’t know what upset her the other day, or whether she’s still upset. I’ll probably try to call her ‘today’ when I get up later and see, but right now … I just don’t know. I don’t know much about what happened between Jen and the father of her son, or what has been going on with her (presumably still) current ‘boyfriend’. There are snippets in the blog, and there’s everything she told me, but it isn’t a complete picture. And I’m not in the picture at all. My mind, my heart, my imagination, they can do a great many things. They cannot put me into someone’s life when I am not there, not wanted. I need to learn that.
I need to learn that, and I need to learn to stop seeing so much that isn’t there yet. That may never exist.
That will very likely never exist.
We know this isn’t the first time.
We know my mind, my heart, my imagination, they can tap into joy, they can generate love, they can convince me that things can work. We also know that it takes two to make love work.
And that … so far, anyway … I haven’t met returning love.
I need to find someone to cure me of my ridiculous obsession with love.