My dad asked me why I was behind on my novel, and I suggested that professional writers don’t spend 6+ hours a day lifting heavy things and doing manual labor. His response: “Then how do they get anything done?”
I get the next two or three days “off” from working with my dad. Who knows what my grandfather will want to do, though. Sigh. I really want to work on my novel. Right now I’m too tired and brain-dead to get much done, though I did put the second layer of the green stripe on my current painting.
Let me just say that, even before I started putting the green stripe on, this was some of my best work to date. I love it. And with this second layer, the green stripe … well, I was looking at it drying a little bit ago and I just wanted to make love to it, it’s so sexy. MMMMmmmm…. And there’s still the red and the blue!
I know some people say that they’d like my art better if I’d just stop sooner. That they look at something like ‘too much baggage’ and would like it better if I’d stopped before adding the text, or even just before I crossed out the text. Or with Betty, if I’d just left it alone and not put the black betty on there, it would have been better. And with this one, I think people may say that about the green stripe, the red, the blue, and moreso about the offset-color yarn I’m going to draw through it in specific patterns. But I disagree. I think it all works together to create a cohesive vision of my intent. So there.
So, as I was saying before I sidetracked myself, I’ve been having trouble working on my novel. Last night I could hardly pay attention to Secretary on DVD, I was so frazzled from a stressful day working with my dad. As I was explaining to someone on the phone earlier, it isn’t (well, mostly isn’t) the working with my dad that’s the problem, it’s the work. When you’re involved in moving around huge, multi-ton stacks of lumber around, from 16 feet in the air and all around in tight spaces and having to run around in front of and under and around the forklift trying to give accurate assistance to my father, who needs to not drive the forklift or its load into things, and needs to set things down in precarious stacks ten tons high without killing us all in the process… well, anyway, it’s stressful work. Inherently. And then on top of that, my inexperience means that sometimes I make mistakes, and that’s stressful, because the mistakes may result in danger and destruction and injury, not just now, but in coming weeks and months as the full repurcussions are felt. Yay!
So I’m a bit stressed right now. I can hardly re-type the stuff I wrote two days ago, let alone new stuff… Though I expect I would be more comfortable writing fresh fiction on my Smith-Corona than my iMac… the problem being, of course, that I’ll need to type it all again later. Sigh.
And then there’s this girl.
But I shouldn’t say anything.
At least, I haven’t been saying anything.
And I tried to say something to her about it, and … that pretty much shut her up, and then she basically stood me up two days in a row afterwards. Then she called tonight and wanted to know why I sounded like something was wrong between us. Sigh.
I shouldn’t even be considering her though, should I? She’s in a “relationship” with someone else. She’s the mother of a third man’s fifteen-month-old son. She’s looking for things in a partner that I don’t know I can offer… partially because I don’t know … I don’t make plans very far into the future, I don’t know where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing … or even what I’ll want to be doing … very far off. I think on general philosophy of life choices, we may be very compatible, and if she had been ready for me a couple of years ago, the whole course of our lives might be different… I was ready for her then…
And now …
And now I live a very ‘different’ lifestyle … from most anyone. “Normal” people don’t retire until/unless they have savings and/or are old enough to receive SS payments to live on. I “retired” in debt up to my nipples, at the defiantly young age of 24. I’m working on becoming what I want to be, an artist, a writer, a true creator, and right now … it isn’t bringing in any money. It may not ever bring in much money. I can’t be a guaranteed bread-winner this way, and someone who already has a child … may not want to get involved with someone like me. But I do expect to begin to be able to make money from my creations, from furniture if nothing else, and from my paintings and novels as they gain momentum. I also expect to go back to school for a few years, and how does that figure in to things?
Sigh. I am ‘okay’ by myself, but I know I would be MORE okay with some companionship. But the way my life is right now … is it fair for me to even TRY to seek out companionship? I am clearly not an ideal partner for most people in my current situation… which is less so than I am normally, and that is not very ideal. Most people you can say “be yourself” and it will work out and you will find companionship. Not so for Teel.
Zoe’s wife now works with a young woman I had a crush on in High School. Who remembers me. He just mentioned it.
Apparently I wrote her letters.
I only remember a few pages, really.
Oh, and she was one of the first to turn me down on the basis of not being the person she wanted to be, and not wanting to be in a relationship with someone else until she was right by herself.
If I remember correctly.
One of the first in a long line.
I guess I make people want to be better people, or something. Or maybe I’m attracted to people who really, truly want to be the best version of themselves? That wouldn’t be so bad, if I could just meet them when they were satisfied enough with themselves to allow themselves to be with someone else.
Looks like Heath’s going to be doing a Four-Hour Comic. His may rely heavily on cut/paste, but I’m still looking forward to it. I very much enjoyed the Eye Comic number 5.
I, by the way, for any of you considering subscribing to the ‘live’ broadcast of my Four-Hour Comic, expect I shall be doing it on Thursday afternoon. Perhaps from noon or one to four or five, MST, so all y’all watching from work people can see it unfold.
Any interest in the audio accompaniment to the comic? Just say the word.
So, yeah. Novel (and sweeping, &c.) tomorrow, more novel Thursday, but also: Four-Hour Comic.
I think I’ll stop this rambling now. All this typing, chatting in IM, watching The Truman Show, and the increasing sexiness of my painting, have just about relaxed me and got me into a fairly good mood. I may be able to get some writing done tonight.
Writing in my novel, I mean. This stuff is just warm-up.