I don’t think my posts here adequately reflect the full spectrum of my thoughts and actions. I suspect that there are a lot of things I’ve said here that I’ve changed my mind about or emotional states I haven’t mentioned at all, and the picture of me that is formed here is not a complete one. Like how I Like Blue Skies doesn’t tell the whole story, or even an entirely true story, but when people read it they seem to believe it is about something real and says everything that needs to be said. What about her side of the story? What about the times he feels happy, or isn’t thinking of her? What about all the little details I added to the story (and a couple of big ones) that have nothing to do with me or anything I’ve experienced? I’ve got I Like Blue Skies comics on scraps of paper around my house because I am reluctant to post them.
So what is the whole story? I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’ve forgotten to post or everything I’ve been reluctant to post, and I’m not always aware of everything I have posted. Regardless of what makes it on the site, I’m not sure I know the whole story; though I definitely remember much of what happened and some of what hasn’t happened yet, it doesn’t make for a complete narrative.
How did I get from there to here? How will I go from here to over there? Not physically; I remember the path taken, the mode of transportation, the details of each move through the physical world. How did I get to where I am as a person from where I was two years ago? Or five years ago, or six, when I was getting engaged to be married, to today, where the only valid numbers for women in my phone are family members or married to someone else? Where I claim to be ‘interested’ in men, but have never had a real relationship with a man, or really been physically intimate with men? I literally can’t remember the last time I dated someone; I assume it was some time before I started getting engaged to them, but … who was it?
Did you know I never held a proper job before I was 18, and that I only started looking for work because I was engaged to be married? Before that, I had simply planned on being a professional student for another 8-12 years. Did Amanda really start me on the path to where I have been for the last couple of years where the primary defining characteristic of my days is my job? Did you know that on the day that I found my first job, before my first day of work, I came home to a phone call where Amanda and I split up? That I started working anyway, somewhat because I hoped and planned to be able to patch things up with her? That I kept doing the things we had planned together for years after she had totally disappeared from my life? Transferring to ASU immediately. Moving to Tempe in August ’97. Then fewer things and smaller things; remembering her brand of shampoo or her taste in furniture, and eventually I found myself without any idea of what to do next because I had run out of things we had planned to do together. No one came along after her that wanted to make plans with me. Or even just to be with me. So for years, I just kept on doing what I was already doing; living in Tempe, working the sort of job you work when you don’t know what you want to do with yourself, sort of vaguely looking for someone to step into the space I’d made in my life for someone to join me…
How did I get here? I guess this is sort of where I wanted to go, but that I was expecting to have a travelling companion.
By now, because of events in the last couple of years, I have made a sort of overhaul in myself so that instead of living a life that is missing Amanda, I am living my own life. Instead of looking for someone to fill a hole in my life, I am hoping for someone who fits in my whole life. That is, I’m making my life whole on its own. I know that it is possible for a person to fit well with me and my life (I have met such a person), and rather than change my life to suit someone who isn’t there, I am changing my life to suit me and sort-of generally hoping that such a person will agree with me that our lives will fit well together. Or something like that.
…So, err… more little details from the story, and maybe you can get an idea of the whole story from the little details, and maybe it doesn’t matter if you, or I, ever do.