Life on display

So then it occurs to me that there’s a lot more than first impressions going on when I give someone my card. They have their first impression of me from when we met in person, but then they have the address to this site. To this journal. All of a sudden instead of calling me or writing me an email they find that they can do some reasearch about me. They can find out about me and my life and the way I think about things and the way I react to different stimuli. They can also read the other blogs on the site and find out what other people think about me. They can see that my mother just died a few weeks ago. They can see that I still have love for ex’s I haven’t seen in years.

(Look, just because I still love Amanda and have been spending time and money for years trying to locate her doesn’t mean I want to get back together with her. After the first couple of years it was more about the finding than what may or may not come afterwards. At the very least I owe her an apology for my behaviour the last time we were together.)

Look, I’m getting defensive. How cute.

I ran into an old acquaintence the other day and I gave her my card and we discussed this site briefly. I mentioned the online journal and she said she could never do anything like that because she would always be worried that something she wrote would come back to haunt her. I responded that if you’re too embarrased to write about something, you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. That you’re either living your life out in the open or you’re lying all the time, and it’s up to each person to decide whether they want to be lying all the time. (Oh, and if you’re reading this now, I’m glad to see you found the site and took a look. Don’t miss the archives. And email me if you get a chance!)

Back to the other ones. The ones who haven’t alreadyknown me for years before they see this site. The ones that I was hoping to maybe have a first date with. What would a first date be like for someone who had spent a few hours reading my ramblings here? If my various neuroses and insecurities (as found in my words here) allowed such a meeting to happen, the other would know what has been going on in my life and may even have a clear image in their mind about who I am, and I would still just have that first impression. Probably that’s a good thing. The most difficult part of making a new friend (or more than a friend) seems to be getting used to me. I guess I’m not particularly easy to get along with at first. Maybe this site’s candor will help by showing that although I think a little differently, I’m still a good person, and worth knowing.

I don’t remember where I was trying to go with this. I’m posting from work and I’ve had a few interruptions (you know, customers, the boss… interruptions) so … if you got something from this, if it made sense at all, great. If it didn’t make any sense, just pretend you never saw it.

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Author, artist, romantic, insomniac, exorcist, creative visionary, lover, and all-around-crazy-person.