NEW Modern Evil Merchandise!

Be sure to check out the new merchandise in all our stores. The Main store has a mix of different images from the different stores, and each other store has a variety of products with a single image theme. Check them out:

The Main Modern Evil Store
The Official Modern Evil Logo Store
The Official Beer Club Store
The Flaming Squirrel Store
The Non-Sequitor Store
Need Head Stores:
   Original, Blue
   Blue, offering head
   Original, Pink
   Pink, offering head
The All-Coasters Store

Some of the new products for Valentine’s day include a very nice Tile topped boxes, Panties, Thong Panties, Camisoles and Night Shirts. Also for a limited time, get free coffee with every Travel Mug purchase, and don’t forget to get one of our limited edition Beer Club Beer Steins while supplies last.

If you’re looking for something cheap, why not take a look at our new Bumper Stickers (only $3), Calendar Prints (only $5), Postcards (only $7 for 8) or Greeting Cards (only $12 for 6). Plus a wide variety of stickers for $2.50 – there are one or two for each store! Flying Discs of all kinds for $7.50, Coasters of all kinds for $5, and don’t miss our Wall Clocks for only $12.

Is that enough for now? I spent all night adding the new products to all the stores, cleaning everything up and updating some of the graphics. All Flaming Squirrel Apparel has been subtly updated; you may like it better now. Enjoy!

Everything turned around

Maybe a day or two early, my sleep schedule is just about a full 12 hours off right now. So to me, as I begin this post, it feels like 3:30 in the afternoon instead of 3:30 in the morning. I’ve been having trouble the last few days with eating sensibly since the times I’m awake haven’t coincided with the times I ate every day for the first 18+ years of my life. I’ve been doing okay though. When I woke up today (at 5:45PM) I only weighed 221. Which is nice because I was stuck back up at 224/225 until a couple of days ago since the overeating for new years eve thing. And I want to get down to 175/180 and stay there. Not having much in the way of food helps though. I keep craving snacks and not having them available. Like ice cream. I really want some chocolate or chocolate chocolate chip or chocolate truffle or death by chocolate or other similar variation on the chocolate ice cream themed ice cream these days. Or cookies. If I had flour, I would surely have baked my own cookies by now. No cookies. Not because of the diet either; I was at the store, looking at the cookies and said something like “I’d buy some cookies if I had a job. Once I get a job and get caught up on my bills, there’s going to be cookies in my cupboard again.” (Thanks to Iain, by the way, who brought me a few cookies in my time of need.) Just typing about snacks is making me want to snack. I’m now eating an apple. You know, since I bought 13lbs of apples at Sam’s Club, they’re the primary snacking food around here. Which is fine. I love apples. I also love to have a choice. For a few days I had baby carrots, but they went pretty fast. I mean, I have plenty of food for meals. Three squares a day, as they say. Keep in mind though that I’m basically sitting around my house 24 hours a day though, and that I habitually eat when I don’t have anything else to do, or when I’m watching TV. (I’ve noticed another fun thing since I’ve been cutting down on the TV watching; whenever I eat a meal, I turn on the TV, even if it only takes me a few minutes to eat and there’s nothing on. I turn on the TV while I eat, and then back off again when I’m done. Probably because the closest thing I have to a kitchen table is now fully occupied by computers.) Ooh! Last night my Older sister and my younger brother came over so he would have something to do while she watched About Schmidt, and I had a good excuse to use the Pizza coupon I’ve been saving! Woo hoo! Delivery pizza tastes so good when it becomes its own special occasion. (Another thanks goes out to Kelly, who when we got together a couple of weeks ago suggested we go to a Pizzeria for dinner. Considering all the posting I’d been doing about wanting Pizza you were very thoughtful.) Have I talked too long about food? That apple is long gone now. Maybe I should move on.

So, I’m up now and it’s like the afternoon. I’ll probably be up until 10AM or so, I think. I’m hoping to hear back about the interview last week today or tomorrow or … well, soon anyway. I worry that I’ll sound odd if they give me a call in the middle of the day and I’m in deep sleep when I answer the phone. I’m pretty good about being able to wake fully up when I want to for a phone call, so it shouldn’t turn into a problem, but it’s something in mind. I worry that I’ll end up getting a brief letter later this week informing me that they have selected someone else. Either way, when I find out about that job I’ll know my next step for sure. I never stopped applying for jobs that I qualify for and pay enough, but if I don’t get this one I’m going to start applying at jobs that don’t pay enough and see if I can get a couple of them to make up the difference. Someone I know from out of state (I’ve met them in person, it’s not some creepy internet-only thing) is moving back out to the valley, and while he tries to get settled and find a job and his own place, he’s offered to pay me a reasonable amount per week to crash at my place. That will help a bit. I had to delay selling my stock a few days while Apple’s stock recovered from Gateway’s earnings report, and I have an order pending to sell all my stock when the floor opens his morning at whatever price they can get. Then after a 3-day waiting period I can have them issue me a check for the amount left after their ridiculous fees. Did I warn you never to do business with E*TRADE? I hate them. Anyway, that money should carry me to the end of the month.

Did I mention explicitly that I can’t go to school this semester yet? Yeah. Unless a miracle occurs in the next 8 days, there is ZERO chance of me getting to attend school this semester. What with classes starting in 8 days. Fuck. I put a fair amount of effort into getting back into ASU and getting into the Fine Arts program and getting all A’s since I started again, and now I am powerless to continue. I’m going to go talk to an advisor this week about the situation, and how it effects everything. I plan on applying for financial aid, but first I need to do my taxes. I’d love to do my taxes right now since I’ve probably got a refund of some amount coming to me, but first I need to get my W-2 from Realink and the equivalent form from DES re:Unemployment payments (which I have had taxes withheld from). And they are allowed to wait until the 31st to send them out, I guess, so good luck getting them. Ooh, but then I can fill out the new FAFSA and see about getting financial aid for 2003. I’m pretty sure I only qualify for more debt, but it doesn’t hurt to apply. I was researching some of it in the last couple of weeks and found that a couple of the grants are usually awarded by the end of January for the following school year, and there was one with a deadline of Jan. 15th, which is insane because you have to have taxes done to do the FAFSA, and then you have to wait for your FAFSA results to apply, and who can get through red tape that fast? Sigh.

And then there’s that novel that guy posted about on Pit of Geek. I actually contacted the guy and got a copy of the book for review and I’ve been trying to read it… man o man. If this was not intentionally written with the general philosophies used to get people to finish NaNoWriMo novels done in mind, it certainly ended up with them embodied in it. I am right now exactly 1/2-way through the thing, and was suprised to find myself interested in what happens next to a degree, since there are many things about it that have upset me, including one of my pet peeves about characters in any fictional medium that makes me upset with writers. I will stop writing about it now though, as I will most certainly be writing a long, detailed review of it soon enough.

I have found a new person to post on Modern Evil. I have given him access to post in most of the main areas of the site (Poetry, Fiction, Reviews, Ramblings, Photoshop Ping Pong), and have set him up with a starter blog which will be linked to once he gets it set up to his liking and a few posts in it. I always get excited about new contributors. I’d eventually like there to regularly be less than the 10-15 posts normally by ‘Teel’ in the “Most Recent” list of 20 on the main page of ME. The more other people who CAN post, the sooner we’ll get there. This new guy, Warpshadow, should post some interesting stuff. I’ve seen some of his graphics work, and some of his poetry, and I immediately wanted him to contribute to ME. After a little convincing, he agreed. I hope you all like it. If you want to contribute, or if you know someone whose work you’d like to see on ME, just let me know. I can always be emailed at teel@modernevil.com.

I think that’s it for now. I’d love to hear feedback if you have it on the new comics I’ve been putting up. Or recipes for cookies that don’t call for flour. Or money. Feel free to send me money.

being guarded

Should I have been more guarded? I said I had a good afternoon, and I did, and at the time that I posted it, I was definitely feeling good. But I have a funny way of remembering things.

I didn’t know it until recently that it was funny, but I’m told that it isn’t the ‘right’ way to remember things.

See, I look back on memories in light of everything that has occurred since, including my current mood and beliefs. Which means that if something was happening to me that made me happy and seemed good and inspired hope for further events like it to occur, or which made me increasingly happy because of the future happy events it seemed to imply, and since it occurred nothing like it has occurred and the implied future events have proven impossible, I don’t remember it as fondly. In the case of the recent good afternoon, the memory is only slightly diminished as my enthusiasm about that day has been met with something very near apathy and the afternoon put into a less hopeful, less … enthusiastic perspective.

I may not be stating myself fully. I’ll keep trying:

I believe that this phenomenon is largely related to my idealist nature. Boundless hope and the belief that utopia is achievable reside in me. I believe in true love and the possibility for joy that ‘happy endings’ represent. If I can be happy for one minute (and I can) then I can be happy for two. If I can be happy for two minutes, I can certainly be happy for four… and so on forever, right? If two people can make it work out for just one hour, then why not 1000 hours or 1,000,000 hours? The best IS possible, everything CAN work out. It is worth it to look forward to good times. I believe all of this to be true.

Which means that in any situation I tend to look forward to it getting better and better. If things are bad, they will get better. If things are good they will at the least continue and likely become amazing, transcendent, breathtaking and beautiful. How I feel about anything in the present is tied in this way to the expectation that it will only get better and better.

So when things don’t get better and better, when things get worse, or when things don’t happen at all, my view of how things will go gets adjusted. If my ideas about how things would get better were associated in any way with specific periods of time then when those times have passed, any hopes I had for them that went unfulfilled are removed, struck out, and the moments that were tied to that chance, that possibility for greatness that never occurred, are no longer tied to positive hopes. They are instead tied to dashed hopes and unfulfilled dreams. And now the memories that were so happy, so joyful, so hopeful, are tainted and sullied by reality. Brought into perspective and seen for what they were; good at the time, but not all that special.

Someone asked me a few weeks ago what my happiest memory was. I couldn’t think of one. I gave a couple of examples of what used to be happy thoughts, but that were now tainted in this was by dashed hopes and unrealized dreams. They didn’t really understand. They were the first to tell me that their memories don’t change the way mine do, from happy to sad and back again depending on the things that happened after them. Well, mine do. So the memories that I might have answered as my happiest just a few short months ago are now downgraded and filed away with ‘normal’ memories. I don’t expect those couple to ever change again, unfortunately.

In light of my own inability to trust my own happiness or hope in any present-based situation, I wonder if I ought to be more guarded about what I post here. Whether I ought to censor my emotions, not entirely, but for some sort of waiting period. Until I can put things into a better perspective and post a more properly gauged emotional response to a situation. I don’t want to mis-represent myself, but how I feel about past events changes as events related to it unfold, and life never seems to stop unfolding. Argh. I’m not sure I got anywhere with this.

Now, something else about being guarded on the site:

Continue reading being guarded