I have a journal, I used to write in it all the time, and suddenly I took on a very unfavorable adult trait, forgetting to write in it, about my feelings, what I think; what I think about what I think, how I feel about what I feel. And now anything resembling talent has been lost from not practicing, and alas, I seem to do nothing to change this. Oh sure, every now and again I’ll open the old girl up and write a few sentences, but the fervor, the need to do it is gone. Why? When exactly did it go? At what moment did I lose it? Or is it just misplaced? I read the writing of others and think to myself, “my God that’s good”, and I pale in comparison, so why even bother? Perhaps that is all, then. If so, why not just stop that constant comparison to others, for not only does it hurt you, Sara, but has no redeeming value, like for example, actually helping you. So logical, aren’t we? Logic and reasoning, advice and pleas of truth do no good when ignored. And I can’t make her listen to me, or rather she can’t make me listen to her. How does the old song go? “What good is sitting alone in your room?” Yes, that’s it. I’ll tell you exactly what good sitting alone in your room will do you; you can write, Sara, write about all those things in your head, some because better to write it in your silly book then to let it spill out of your mouth to hurt someone. You always come to such wonderful conclusions about yourself and the world in there, and now it’s as if you are hiding from yourself. Because that is what she does, she forces you to look at yourself and make honest judgments because you can’t live with yourself when you hide under the guise of false beliefs about who you are. You are straying from the good person you were trying to become because you know she wouldn’t like some of the things that you think, and say. You know that when you go back to her for guidance, which will hopefully be soon, that she will tell you the cold hard truth as only she can. For she is the only one that knows you deeply, and knows to tell you what you ought to be doing, rather than lie to you. For every year your physical body gains, your subconscious counselor who comes out in that journal gains a hundred more of experience to use and teach you with. What a waste! You’ve taken the first step I think; in writing this you have at least figured out the bulk of the problem. Good luck, and perhaps tonight you will pick up the pen that sits even now a few inches from you hand, and revisit her once again, she needs you too.
Category: Journal
The proof is in the pudding.
I thought that this was an interesting thing, and short enough that you would read the entire thing. I think they’re making a statement about our relationship with God. That He wants us to independently decide to do things His way. That He will let us ignore him for a time. I like the way the writer’s style forces the reader to independently come to the conclusions that were intended in the first place.
Post-Straight mentality?
Blogdex let me know about this interesting article on a phenomenon that I have touched on before. People who have known me for a while know that I have a strange tendency to come upon an obstacle, and instead of researching and finding out how other people have overcome it before, totally re-inventing the entire process and coming up often with the same solution through totally different means. Usually I learn that someone had already figured it out in some incidental, unrelated way very quickly after completing whatever it was I came up with to solve whatever challenge I was facing. Like, if I kept getting bugbites without mentioning it here, I would have eventually discovered some ingenious way of treating them, and perhaps eventually have developed a cortisone lotion. As it is, I just scratch them.
Wait a minute. I’m way off track here. What I was meaning to say, was that I have previously addressed the issue of basically being straight, but having many gay characteristics, and being commonly taken as a gay man. There was quite a bit of discussion about it, in fact. I am not alone in being this way, though, and this article discusses the culture of people that is developing to have these traits. I found it very interesting, and based on the reaction I had last time I brought this up, some of you will be interested, too.
It isn’t true.
I have begun to write fiction again, for the first time in years and years and years. Actually, I cannot remember the last time that I wrote new fiction, so it may have been more recently than that, but I know I have had a nagging feeling every time I set down to write something that I should be writing fiction instead, and that I have been having that feeling for years and years and years. Anyway, it is just a little thing, and not suitable for posting on ME, so it might see the light of day here, or I might just use it in the context it is being developed for.
How do you know when you find it?
“Every relationship ends, until maybe you find one that lasts forever. ” – Penelope Cruz