Teel – Page 360 – Teel McClanahan

Sometimes . . .

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes my mind . . . twists.

Sometimes the splits and cracks and complications; the things in my mind that make me me, that make me we; become more evident – become more real . . . and take over.

Sometimes the parts of me, some of us, the personalities among us (me) that usually hide behind the rest of us, that aren’t strong enough to be seen . . . get to play.

Sometimes when we, the strong, the obvious ones, let them, the weak, the hidden, those that do what they want, and don’t think about the future, take control, to see what they’ll do, to feel what we can’t . . . it hurts.

Sometimes the pain, which is not usually physical, which hurts because they know now that they shouldn’t, that they’re not allowed out, so they don’t . . . i cry.

Sometimes we (I) just want to let go of it all, let them all do what they want, what they should, what they can . . . forever.

Sometimes . . .

overstressed and undersexed

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Several times during the past few weeks, people have been telling me, for one reason or another, that I am “overstressed and undersexed.” I usually say something along the lines of “Well, duh!” This weekend, at a workshop that I was attending, I took a stress test where a score of 50 was low stress, 100 was moderate, 200-250 was high, and 350 and higher was “Maximum” for staying alive. I scored 1247 points, putting me with the ranks of the dead. Apparently the level of stress that I’m under should have killed me by now . . . I wonder why it hasn’t yet. I asked the teacher if there was some way that my score could possibly be wrong, and she said that I should only take points for things that had actually caused me stress. My score quickly dropped to 0, but perhaps I’m wrong, because I’m under so much stress that I can’t tell what’s stressful anymore . . .

Oh, and since I’m a virgin AND celibate, I’ve never had sex and never will. This was not my intention ten years ago when I vowed celibacy; at that time the word celibate meant unmarried, and because of my knowledge of the way that marriage effects people, I decided that I didn’t want to do it. But, keeping up with the times, I also now have a vow not to have sex.

this poem sux!

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

As I wipe the frozen tears from my eyes,
I remember the reason that I cried.
No reason at all; No who and no why.
I find that somehow there’s a tear in my eye.

Sometimes no feeling there is to be had,
My tears don’t depend on my happy or sad.

Psst…! this poem sux!

My brain seems to be bogged down with thoughts and ideas, and the part of my mind that does poetry seems to be getting the short end of the stick. Perhaps some other time would be better.

Registration started yesterday

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Registration started yesterday. I heard that the first person in line showed up at 2:30AM… A lot of people showed up at 6:30 or 7:00, and had to wait in a line that wrapped around inside the entire length of the building for some number of hours (usually at least 1.3). I, being a highly skilled procrastinator, had not remembered that registration was starting, and had not yet thought about what classes to take. Luckily, there’s telephone registration, and I have the amazing ability of creative organization of time/space, and had thrown together a nice looking schedule with all the classes I absolutely needed, and a few that I would have needed after a while anyway, in just a few minutes. At which point I called the telephone registration number, and was informed by a recording that the telephone registration was “not available” (until 3:30, 5 minutes later). So I spent the 2 minutes before and the 2 minutes after 3:30 trying to get back through to the telephone registration, hoping to be put on hold… and at last I was. And for only about half an hour, as well. Then I got an actual person, who was qquite helpful, and I actually got into all of the classes that I had wanted. Quite an accomplishment, I hear. Oh well, at least next semester I won’t have any classes on any Fridays.

Life is just not worth living…

[post transcribed from a paper journal]

Today, for my COM110 class, a Learning Contract is due. This is an assignment that I haven’t even STARTED writing. Luckily, it’s only worth 1/3 of the total grade in the class, and there’s absolutely no way that I could possibly pass the class without it. Heck, what’s the difference? One “F” isn’t that bad, is it? Just because they’ll probably cancel my financial aid because of it is no reason to start worrying. I can just go get a job and earn the money I need for classes.

Just because I’ve never had a job before, have no desire to work, and would probably show so little profit from the hundreds of hours of work that I would only have enough money to take a couple of classes, and do nothing else. Not to mention the way my parents will react when they find out that I didn’t do a major assignment, or that I’m failing a class and have ruined my future by doing it. I probably will no longer be ablt to go out as often, and will have more attention pain to my work at school. More pressure to succeed, and less recreation, and more stress, and more stress, and more stress. Just looking ahead to the pain and torture, I hope I crack and kill myself before too long. Life’s just not worth living…