Teel – Page 357 – Teel McClanahan

1.3.9.-3

I am exhausted. Physically my body is quaking with the exhaustion. It baffles me that when my body has become too tired to move it moves uncontrollably. I suppose this is true because I am equally baffled by the way my heart moves the same. Just as I feel I have emoted so strenuously for so long that my heart must soon collapse, it begins to flutter far from my control.

These tiny pitter-pats, if they were to occur not after such a strenuous occupation of my heart, would give me pause. In fact I HAVE paused recently, mistaking these unintentional quakes for actual motion of my heartstrings. It has done me no good and I believe I only recognize it because of the harm my reactions to these meaningless flutters has brought me in the past and the repercussions I feel still.

Continue reading 1.3.9.-3

5.4.8.-3

I’ve done this before. I told her I would do it again, and she said she would understand. I guess she forgot. Perhaps I was not clear. Perhaps I did not give enough details for recognizing this the second time around. That I am behaving exactly the same as I did before, using some of the same lines as before, at the same time of the lunar cycle as before, is not enough, I guess.

There’s something about being predictable that just doesn’t sit will with other people. Even if it’s being predictable in a good way. People always want this time to be different. They want excitement, and that really means they want new things. They want to see something different from what they saw before, and it is only when they do that they are interested or satisfied. There is a lot that is said about stability and consistency, and most of it is negative. Yet people speak louder when someone is unreliable or unpredictable. Which way should we be?

Continue reading 5.4.8.-3

1.4.8.-3

I don’t think that this is what I want anymore. I’m certain that if I were in a truly committed relationship and I felt this way I would be obligated by my commitment to stay in it despite this sort of temporary inconvenience. This is the sort of thing that can be worked out. This is the sort of thing that takes work.

I know that if I were in a committed relationship with someone, they would be someone who I knew would be willing to work toward continued success with me. Someone who would not leave me feeling the way that I do these days; like I am in a different relationship than the other. I would be glad to do what it takes to make a relationship continuously successful and fulfilling for both parties, but only when it is clear that both parties are interested in and committed to the same. Not just the idea of making it work, but the actual work involved in obtaining that idea.

Continue reading 1.4.8.-3

6/18/00

I used to come home, and as I walked through the door it would occur to me that perhaps while I was gone someone had tried to call me. That perhaps they had left me a message; that they wanted me to call them back. It would make me hopeful that in some small way someone had taken the time out of their day to think of me and then to do something about it. Hopeful that somewhere someone was waiting for ME, thinking of ME, wanting ME to reach out and touch them. Hopeful for the brief moment, every day when I came home from work or wherever I’d been, that it took to get from the front door to that blinking red light. A little of the joy of knowing that I’m wanted would creep in, and right up until I saw the little red light was burning steadily, announcing to the world that no one wants me, I would feel an uplifting emotional twinge. Sometimes there would even be a message, and that twinge would swell into a feeling and perhaps even into a worthwhile conversation with someone that cares about me. Sometimes there wouldn’t, and I would dip a little in mood and go on with my life.

Continue reading 6/18/00

6/14/00

It suddenly felt as though the yoke of oppression had been placed once more upon my broad shoulders, though I had seen it coming from a mile away. It came down from on high today that technical support personnel (that’s me) are not to engage in any personal projects in the workplace. Not even on breaks or lunch. No looking at web pages except for those owned and operated by our parent company and the manufacturers of 3rd party software that we distribute and support, and only then in a business-related way. No reading materials of a non-technical nature, and then only technical manuals related to the business of the company or professional certification. No playing games. Still, even when there are no calls to take and no special projects to work on, LOOK BUSY, or more privileges will be taken away.

Continue reading 6/14/00