I don’t think that this is what I want anymore. I’m certain that if I were in a truly committed relationship and I felt this way I would be obligated by my commitment to stay in it despite this sort of temporary inconvenience. This is the sort of thing that can be worked out. This is the sort of thing that takes work.
I know that if I were in a committed relationship with someone, they would be someone who I knew would be willing to work toward continued success with me. Someone who would not leave me feeling the way that I do these days; like I am in a different relationship than the other. I would be glad to do what it takes to make a relationship continuously successful and fulfilling for both parties, but only when it is clear that both parties are interested in and committed to the same. Not just the idea of making it work, but the actual work involved in obtaining that idea.
Sometimes I don’t realize I’m sad until someone tells me I’m crying. Sometimes my sorrow seems so familiar that its arrival in my home is not the grand spectacle it once was. Home is where the heart is. My heart is where my sorrow lives. The drops of water fall at my sorrow’s behest, but not enough to fill up the hole in my chest.
Do I feel this way because I thought this relationship would be the end-all be-all love-of-my-life relationship that would be happy and last forever and a day? No. I knew before I got myself into this that this would be a temporary thing. I knew and I said it aloud; this is just because I shouldn’t keep myself alone for my ideals. I deserve to have this kind of shallow companionship too. I certainly can’t keep it up forever in the face of my ideals, but I can have a good time while the times are good.
The times aren’t so good any more.
I knew this. I felt this. I intuitively sensed that I should get out, that this was over. Three days ago. Three days ago I got up and said “No more.” I started to walk away. She appealed to me to stay. Out of apathy I stayed. I should have trusted myself and ended it. I ought to follow through. This isn’t how I wanted it. This isn’t how I wanted you.
Last night I was confronted with something that frustrates me very much. She expressed verbally that she wanted to do something. She did not make any motion to do something or to suggest something that might be done or to accept any suggestions I was making for things to do or to do with me any of the things that I started to do. She just set around and said that she wanted to do something other than just sit around with me. She said she wanted, but would not take. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, TAKE IT!
She has a lot of ideas of things that she wants. This is good. Some people do not even know what it is that they want. She is even doing some things to accomplish her long-term, open-ended goals. The frustrating thing for me is that there are things that she wants (or claims to want) right now, today, that she does not take or move to take. There are things that she could be doing to get what she wants, there are ways she could address her desire, and she does not. I would say she seems content to want them, but I know better.
When you want something and don’t take it, your contentment is then found wanting. I wanted a reciprocating, fulfilling relationship with someone I care about who cares about me. I wanted to matter to someone who matters to me. Instead I seem to have found someone who likes the idea of reciprocating, the idea of caring, the idea of letting someone matter to her and mattering to them, but not acting on these ideas. I have told her many times that this is not what I want. How do I tell her that SHE is not what I want?
