I’ve done this before. I told her I would do it again, and she said she would understand. I guess she forgot. Perhaps I was not clear. Perhaps I did not give enough details for recognizing this the second time around. That I am behaving exactly the same as I did before, using some of the same lines as before, at the same time of the lunar cycle as before, is not enough, I guess.
There’s something about being predictable that just doesn’t sit will with other people. Even if it’s being predictable in a good way. People always want this time to be different. They want excitement, and that really means they want new things. They want to see something different from what they saw before, and it is only when they do that they are interested or satisfied. There is a lot that is said about stability and consistency, and most of it is negative. Yet people speak louder when someone is unreliable or unpredictable. Which way should we be?
Which way should I be? Should I say what I will do and then do it, and then do it again, as I said I would? Should I behave unpredictably and do what I have done before only when the mood strikes me to do so, and otherwise just act randomly? How ought I to be? How ought I decide whether to behave as I predicted or not? What sort of things are criteria that should be considered? How does anyone decide how to be?
Oh, I guess I have considered these matters in the past. I have decided that I should communicate my intent before an action, then follow through according to what I have said I would do, and repeat as necessary. Which is what I feel like I have done. A few months ago, for some reason beyond my current understanding (but under my current examination), I did this to her. I told her that I wanted nothing to do with her and gave convincing arguments explaining why not and was able easily to counter every word that came out of her mouth in her support. I told her that I can only live with “all or nothing” and that she is nothing to me.
A few days later when I told her that all that meant was that she had a fresh start, she accepted it. When I told her that in the future, after I’d made some level of commitment to her, I may do the something similar & tell her I don’t want her, and turn away, and walk away, and leave her alone. I told her that this may happen, but not to lose faith because I would certainly turn around after a few days. I would certainly come around. I told her that if I turn away from her for no reason that I don’t really mean it and that I would turn back to her when my head clears. She seemed to understand it then.
I thought she heard me. Maybe she forgot. I did just what I said I would. Out of the blue and for no reason at all, I turned away from her and walked away. I even wrote a few words about it before I did it. It must just be that time of the month for me. Sure enough, a few days later I tried to turn back to her and she treats me like a stranger. Like something has changed.
I know that even whilst I was trying to tell her that I didn’t want her, I made it clear that I was still interested in being her friend & maintaining a civil relationship. I know she heard me; she even gave me some ideas for my site after the fact. Yet now she seems to have only a cold shoulder for me.
I think I do want her. I think I want her, and I want a particular thing from a relationship and I was not getting both so I threw out both when I should have held on to the one that was working. I should have worked with her to build the relationship I wanted, or at least done something more to maintain a healthy friendship between us while I pursue the idealistic relationship I want someplace else. I should have done things differently. I didn’t. Now I can go back to her, claiming that I was just doing exactly what I said I would do and see if she’ll have me, or I can leave her there in the trash with everything else I’ve given up on in life.
She deserves better. She deserves the best that the world has to offer her. She deserves the best that I have to offer her.
Until someone better comes along?