I still miss Sara…
…how silly is that? I haven’t seen her since she left the country five years ago. I haven’t held her in my arms and kissed her in over five years. I tell her I love her every time we talk or chat online, but that’s not very often any more. I still ask her to marry me, though I’m not sure if I really expect her answer to ever change back to yes. I still carry her photo around in my wallet… the only photos I’ve ever had in my wallet besides the ones on my IDs… I know, I swore I would take them out, that I was over her, but I didn’t, I never took them out, I just… I stopped looking at them as much for a while. I haven’t seen her in years, I may not see her again, but still I miss her.
She doesn’t stand in the way of things, exactly. I fell in love with a new person last year … that didn’t work out so hot, but … I know I can love again, love new people, even as I continue to love Sara. I continue to date, to pursue relationships. There are stories that exaggerate the truth, but I was never very good at the whole ‘relationships’ thing, and I’m still not.
And I know, I know, after the years with thousands of miles between us and years with dozens of miles and misunderstandings before that, I couldn’t possibly “know” her. That’s what gets said. That I love the idea of who I want her to be, not who she is. That I missed so much of her life I don’t even know who she is any more. That I knew her so young that I probably never did.
But I do. I know her. I always have, I always will. Better, so much better, than I know most everyone else I meet. And it isn’t about little details, little facts about this or that, what color her shoelaces are and how she eats noodles, but the deep details; her true character is what I’ve always recognized.
“When you see that I am gone to the edge and way beyond… would you wander for me? …’cause I’d wander for you.” -Lisa Loeb