slowly killing myself

I am not like some people, slowly killing myself with cigarettes or some other obvious thing, and I’ve given up on quickly killing myself, though once I learn how to use one and get a loaded gun into my hands, we may rapidly see whether I am bulletproof after all. Rather, I seem to be running myself thin, using myself up faster than was ‘intended’ so that I run out of rope before I reach the end.

Long, continuously-awake weekends is one thing, and certainly helps me use up more of my hours before they are due. This week I seem to be trying something else – using modafinil for something approaching its intended use. I’m taking a dose in the morning when I get up so that I’m not sleepy during the day. I’m not taking a follow-up dose in the middle of the day, because I’ve noticed a quirk about my physiology for now includes (accepting a brief nap in the afternoon) being quite unnaturally and unaidedly awake in the evening and into the night. Staying up late is easy. Getting up early after staying up late is difficult – not so bad with modern psycho-pharmacology on my side.

Actually, getting up isn’t so bad – the same mechanisms that allow me to survive a tiger attack in the middle of the night allow me to wake up and have full access to my faculties without a full night’s sleep – it’s staying up after an hour or two that become difficult. Modafinil seems to have resolved this. In the past, I just zombied through getting ready for and going to work and the first few hours of work – my brain seems to be able to sleep at half-rates while I’m awake enough to be as competent as the average joe – but so far, with the drug, I can wake myself up early, pop a couple pills (modafinil, Vit. C, daily multi-) and go about my day. Before the zombie act kicks in, the modafinil does, and before the modafinil wears off, my brain has done its thing.

This week I’m experimenting with 5 hours of sleep per night. Next week I shall try 4, and if successful I shall see about 3 the following week, and if possible, get myself down to 2 hours sleep a night. That would add nearly two full days to every week, which is over an additional week every month, for only about $36/month worth of Modafinil. A week a month, twelve weeks a year, imagine you could add three months to every year for less than $450. What would you do with the “extra” time?

Anyway, I figure at that rate I’ll use up an extra year of my allotted time on Earth every four years (live four years, live an extra year without even reaching it! five for the price of four!) and maybe reach the end up to 20% sooner. Or maybe, if I pull this trick off, I’ll force myself to live through 20% more life than I otherwise would have.

And is that a good or a bad thing?

I’m beginning to grow weary. I’ve been up nearly 19 hours, now. Time to masturbate and hit the hay. Or just hit the hay. Depression does wonders for reducing libido. So does getting told by every attractive young woman you meet that they’re already spoken for, and seeing all your friends get married and have kids and all your family turn their backs on you or die. Sigh.

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Author, artist, romantic, insomniac, exorcist, creative visionary, lover, and all-around-crazy-person.