I spent literally all day at Starbucks today. 12 straight hours, from when I arried at 10AM to when they closed at 10PM, working on my novel. On Book Two. I did almost exactly 10,000 words, which was precisely my goal, and carried me through to the end of this story and the 500 words or so that introduced the next one. Lots of death and violence and confusion in the last two thirds of the book. It’s good, I think. Of course, it’s got that frustrating sort of ending where everything the characters have been working towards and fighting for doesn’t turn out the way it’s expected, and then things go in a totally unexpected direction on the last page or two… so, who knows if people will like it. But I like it.
And when I left Starbucks, I was feeling fine and dandy.
And when I got home, there weren’t any emails from her, which … whatever… I have no idea, but sometimes no news is good news… except then I looked at my LiveJournal friends view, which shows the latest public posts by the people I’ve got on my ‘friends list’. I’ll give you two guesses as to which of those posts made me suddenly very sick to my stomach, inducing intense nausea and feelings of unease, which link made me try to figure out if she was saying she thought I’d been brainwashing her or she was admitting she’d been brainwashing me, or if I was being vain and maybe it was unrelated, but … I don’t want to believe she was tricking me the entire time, and I certainly wasn’t consciously using any of those things to intentionally manipulate her… or anyone, and … and now even saying that it hurts me that she would imply that sounds like I’m trying to use guilt to manipulate, but I genuinely feel bad, so … what? I either keep quiet, lie, or get accused of manipulating?
All I’ve ever been is truthful and honest, and … I expect it in return.
I never meant to hurt you.
I don’t think I lied.
I wish your friends weren’t turning you against me. I wish I had some way of telling how many of those “seven manipulators” they were using on you to convince you I’m the devil.
I’m shouting into the wind, here. It doesn’t matter. It’s over. Right and good have lost, and I have to try to pick up the pieces and try again, to live my life.
The fact that my “mutual friends” list is smaller every day may reflect how I feel in some way. Today it’s just Zoe and Amy (no politics could stand between us, as far as I know, so they’re safe) and Melissa (whose friends-only politics were what first made me simultaneously wish I had an LJ account and loathe LJ for existing). I won’t remove people from my friends list unless they start posting more garbage than I want to wade through, it seems silly. Of course, since I don’t bother making “friends only” posts, I’m not sure I’m using the “Friends” list the way it’s “intended” to be used.
Sigh. I’m rambling, but it isn’t making me feel a lot better, and I don’t think it’s productive, either, since others will read it and perhaps look down on me.
Oh well. Whatever. Still just being honest. I don’t lie, and … I don’t know how to convince you. Go read the 527k words in the archive here. There’s no hidden, no friends-only posts you can’t see, no secrets. Email Sara, ask her about me. Call my friends, check up on me. I know I can’t have you back, but I hate to think of you believing lies about me.