Apocalypse Now – first take, plus medical ramblings and a small panda

I have just watched Apocalypse Now for the first time.

I don’t get it.

To pinpoint part of my problems with it: My brother walked in halfway through and asked what I was watching, so I told him it was ‘Apocalypse Now’. As he watched some of it with me, he asked “Why is it called Apocalypse Now?” and I tried to come up with an answer. I’ve seen the whole thing now, and I’m not even really clear on that one point.

Let alone the point of the movie.

It’s really “artistic”, definitely interesting, but … yeah. I don’t get it.

Then again, I don’t really understand the modern medical industry either, leading me to not go to doctors, ever. I so much can’t wrap my mind around it that I am paralyzed with lengthy anxiety attacks just trying to figure out what, if any, medical insurance option I should choose at work. I mean, I can see the words in front of me describing the plans, this is this, that is that, you pay this much and if you need this service it’s covered this percent, except that in addition to paying your monthly fee, you pay a co-pay for everything, plus if it’s the beginning of the year you pay the regular fees as well, up to your “deductible” and then maybe you get help, but maybe you just get referred to another doctor and you start paying fees again? And this plan gives you more managed care and that one gives you more doctors to choose from and these give you a little bit of coverage before you have to get into the whole “deductible” debacle… and I can read those options, but I can’t figure out which I might want, because I don’t understand what my relationship with the medical industry is supposed to be like.

My family never had insurance, couldn’t really afford doctors and in addition to that, seems prone to self-medicating and hypochondria. So when we got sick we got fluids and bedrest and then better, if anything. Myself, when I get symptoms other than plain jane pain, I mostly just ignore them – I pay attention enough that if anything doesn’t get better after a week, or gets seriously worse very quickly I don’t overlook it and die, but not much else. Like right now I have a teeny bit of soreness in my throat when I swallow. So I’ll try to get plenty of sleep tonight. Maybe take some extra ascorbic acid.

Am I supposed to go see a doctor every time I get more than a tickle in the back of my throat? Is that a normal thing to do? What about my sleep apnea, tinitis, high heart rate, shallow breathing, and poor circulation? What about my weight problem? Or my dandruff and itchy scalp? Or the frequent pain in some of my joints, me left knee in particular? Or my daily back pain? Or the occassional pain I seem to get from repetitive stress in my wrists if I don’t keep them active in more ways than just typing and mousing? Or my gastrointestinal difficulties? What about my mood swings? What about my frequent, often debilitating anxiety attacks and general difficulty with stress? How often should I be going to see a doctor? How small of a problem is enough to get a professional involved?

And if we come up with an answer to that question, then will we know which medical insurance option is right for me?

I don’t get it, so I just ignore it mostly. Take pain relivers when I can’t or don’t want to work through pain. Take relora to help handle the extremes of my stress. Try not to think about any of it too much. Except then these Benefits meetings come around, and I don’t know what to do or say or think or ASK, and I try to figure it out and I get stressed out.

There’s a number around here somewhere, a free benefit for handling a variety of personal problems privately. So if one were depressed, one could call the number and get connected to a professional that specializes in treating depression, and the first three sessions with the professional on each individual incident is included for free without ever contacting your employer. If you need more than three sessions, payment options can be worked out confidentially. They can also help with other issues, such as budgeting, general counseling, supposed to be most anything, they can get you in touch with the professional you need. This paragraph was setup for the next line:

Every time I try to figure out about the medical industry and what medical insurance option I should choose, I get so stressed out that I consider calling the number to talk to an anxiety counselor about my total ignorance re: how/why/when to use doctors and select insurance.

So, that’s that for now. I don’t get it.

And unfortunately for those of you who read this far (or just scrolled down) to find the small panda, there is, in fact, no panda.

Published by

Teel

Author, artist, romantic, insomniac, exorcist, creative visionary, lover, and all-around-crazy-person.

10 thoughts on “Apocalypse Now – first take, plus medical ramblings and a small panda”

  1. Apocalypse Now was really just a shameless movie-commercial to promote a breakfast cereal popular at the time, “Napalm N’ Honey”.

  2. Apocalypse Now was really just a shameless movie-commercial to promote a breakfast cereal popular at the time, “Napalm N’ Honey”.

  3. I am not a Dr. but I diagnose you with stresstoomuch. Wow you totally over think things into the ground. Of course I have to admit I would very likely stress over the same stuff if my insurance was not already decided for me by the all mighty military. Still, as long as you are not dying you are probably fine. As for insurance, why not ask your dad since he works in the same place as you do? I am sure he would know. Parents always know that sort of thing. Lame, maybe, effective most likely.

  4. I am not a Dr. but I diagnose you with stresstoomuch. Wow you totally over think things into the ground. Of course I have to admit I would very likely stress over the same stuff if my insurance was not already decided for me by the all mighty military. Still, as long as you are not dying you are probably fine. As for insurance, why not ask your dad since he works in the same place as you do? I am sure he would know. Parents always know that sort of thing. Lame, maybe, effective most likely.

  5. Because my dad is crazy? And actually, like I said, he doesn’t know about that sort of thing; we never had medical insurance or used medical insurance. And he won’t be eligible for insurance where I work for another 75 days or so, so he doesn’t know about that, either. That was a big point of my spiel; this is something I should have been able to learn from my parents, but they didn’t know, so I can’t learn it from them – so where am I supposed to learn it?

    And is it fair to say I overthink the things I don’t even reach a basic understanding of? I’d say I overthink the ones that I reach an understanding of and keep trying to figure out. Or like, with you, I thought so much and so “into the ground” that I mentally exhausted every possible avenue until I ran out of things to think about that I didn’t already understand, and now I don’t think about you anymore.

    So. Your insurance stuff is all decided for you; how often do YOU see a doctor? How small of a problem is worth it? If you had been diagnosed with stresstoomuch, would you try to get treatment for it, or just not worry about it? And if your resting heartrate was often over 100bpm? And if you had infrequent migraines that usually included partial or total blindness?

    See, in my family, we have problems, we don’t go to the doctor, so I don’t know what “normal” people go to the doctor for. And that’s REALLY the problem. I understand the insurance options, I just … I’ve been to the doctor once in the last decade or so, and he didn’t tell me more than I already knew (Yes, that’s hemroids) except that yes, he could test me for all known STDs and say I didn’t have any; that I can’t do at home, I don’t have the equipment for blood work. So if I don’t go to the doctor, I don’t need insurance, but the question of insurance brings up the question of “Should I be going to the doctor more? Or all the time?

    And the idea that perhaps I’m fine, I’m probably not dying, I probably DON’T need to go to the doctor, is okay, but what if I’m wrong. What if the fact that my heart skips a beat once in a while and then pauses, and then beats REALLY hard once, then quickly for a bit before it goes back to normal, with a frequency of usually more than once a day that I notice – what if that is a sign that I have some heart problem that could be treated if I’d just go to a doctor before my heart gives out entirely? On the other hand, what if that’s a totally normal thing that everyone’s heart does, and there’s nothing to worry about? And how would I know? And is it worth the time off for a doctor’s visit and the money for the insurance and for the co-pay to find out that it’s normal? And then again for all of my other long-standing strangenesses?

    Sigh. Yes. I think about it a lot, because I’m trying to figure it out. I’m trying to understand. But it’s one of those things I haven’t yet been able to get people to give me information on because for some reason people believe their medical behaviour is “private” and “personal” in a way that precludes telling people about it. Or perhaps because the level at which I don’t understand is so below their level of experience that they don’t understand what I don’t understand.

    I’m going to go do something else right now.

  6. Because my dad is crazy? And actually, like I said, he doesn’t know about that sort of thing; we never had medical insurance or used medical insurance. And he won’t be eligible for insurance where I work for another 75 days or so, so he doesn’t know about that, either. That was a big point of my spiel; this is something I should have been able to learn from my parents, but they didn’t know, so I can’t learn it from them – so where am I supposed to learn it?

    And is it fair to say I overthink the things I don’t even reach a basic understanding of? I’d say I overthink the ones that I reach an understanding of and keep trying to figure out. Or like, with you, I thought so much and so “into the ground” that I mentally exhausted every possible avenue until I ran out of things to think about that I didn’t already understand, and now I don’t think about you anymore.

    So. Your insurance stuff is all decided for you; how often do YOU see a doctor? How small of a problem is worth it? If you had been diagnosed with stresstoomuch, would you try to get treatment for it, or just not worry about it? And if your resting heartrate was often over 100bpm? And if you had infrequent migraines that usually included partial or total blindness?

    See, in my family, we have problems, we don’t go to the doctor, so I don’t know what “normal” people go to the doctor for. And that’s REALLY the problem. I understand the insurance options, I just … I’ve been to the doctor once in the last decade or so, and he didn’t tell me more than I already knew (Yes, that’s hemroids) except that yes, he could test me for all known STDs and say I didn’t have any; that I can’t do at home, I don’t have the equipment for blood work. So if I don’t go to the doctor, I don’t need insurance, but the question of insurance brings up the question of “Should I be going to the doctor more? Or all the time?

    And the idea that perhaps I’m fine, I’m probably not dying, I probably DON’T need to go to the doctor, is okay, but what if I’m wrong. What if the fact that my heart skips a beat once in a while and then pauses, and then beats REALLY hard once, then quickly for a bit before it goes back to normal, with a frequency of usually more than once a day that I notice – what if that is a sign that I have some heart problem that could be treated if I’d just go to a doctor before my heart gives out entirely? On the other hand, what if that’s a totally normal thing that everyone’s heart does, and there’s nothing to worry about? And how would I know? And is it worth the time off for a doctor’s visit and the money for the insurance and for the co-pay to find out that it’s normal? And then again for all of my other long-standing strangenesses?

    Sigh. Yes. I think about it a lot, because I’m trying to figure it out. I’m trying to understand. But it’s one of those things I haven’t yet been able to get people to give me information on because for some reason people believe their medical behaviour is “private” and “personal” in a way that precludes telling people about it. Or perhaps because the level at which I don’t understand is so below their level of experience that they don’t understand what I don’t understand.

    I’m going to go do something else right now.

  7. My personal experiance with Dr.s is to avoid them at all costs so I suppose I am abnormal in the same way you are. I know nothing about most ailments so I happily assume that I am fine and well. Though if you are worried about your health and you think, or in your case over think, you need to see a doctor or other medical professional then off you go as soon as you get that ever important health insurance. You will never know unless you ask. Asking people like empolyers and the staff at medical facilities may make you sound sort of foolish, better to be foolish and learn something than to be left in the dark no?

    I gues I sort of blanked on the whole part about your family knowing nothing about insurance and stuff. I feel sort of dumb now that I have looked back on your posting.

    By the way I am personally offended (not really) that you do not think about me at all anymore. Hmph 😛 Here I thought we were friends. Le sigh.

    See ya on Saturday. Ciao.

  8. My personal experiance with Dr.s is to avoid them at all costs so I suppose I am abnormal in the same way you are. I know nothing about most ailments so I happily assume that I am fine and well. Though if you are worried about your health and you think, or in your case over think, you need to see a doctor or other medical professional then off you go as soon as you get that ever important health insurance. You will never know unless you ask. Asking people like empolyers and the staff at medical facilities may make you sound sort of foolish, better to be foolish and learn something than to be left in the dark no?

    I gues I sort of blanked on the whole part about your family knowing nothing about insurance and stuff. I feel sort of dumb now that I have looked back on your posting.

    By the way I am personally offended (not really) that you do not think about me at all anymore. Hmph 😛 Here I thought we were friends. Le sigh.

    See ya on Saturday. Ciao.

  9. I should be sleeping, but real quick:

    Me not thinking about you anymore really is for the best.

    And I know a lot of people don’t understand and become actually offended by this concept, but there isn’t anyone in the world I consider a friend that I haven’t known for at least 6 years. The shortest time someone knew me before I considered them a friend was a little over three years, and we’d lived together for half of that, which I think speeds things up. My best friends I’ve known over 13 years now.

    You? I hardly know you. You hardly know me. We’re not friends. But maybe it’s something we can look forward to.

    On a similar note, I’d like to learn how to, and make, fine, aged Scotch Whisky. The sort of thing that doesn’t even begin to come into full character for a minimum of ten years, and would require me to own property in Scotland. The sort of thing I could take the next forty or fifty years working on, to try to get the hang of it, to just get a feel for how it’s done.

  10. I should be sleeping, but real quick:

    Me not thinking about you anymore really is for the best.

    And I know a lot of people don’t understand and become actually offended by this concept, but there isn’t anyone in the world I consider a friend that I haven’t known for at least 6 years. The shortest time someone knew me before I considered them a friend was a little over three years, and we’d lived together for half of that, which I think speeds things up. My best friends I’ve known over 13 years now.

    You? I hardly know you. You hardly know me. We’re not friends. But maybe it’s something we can look forward to.

    On a similar note, I’d like to learn how to, and make, fine, aged Scotch Whisky. The sort of thing that doesn’t even begin to come into full character for a minimum of ten years, and would require me to own property in Scotland. The sort of thing I could take the next forty or fifty years working on, to try to get the hang of it, to just get a feel for how it’s done.

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