I have just watched Apocalypse Now for the first time.
I don’t get it.
To pinpoint part of my problems with it: My brother walked in halfway through and asked what I was watching, so I told him it was ‘Apocalypse Now’. As he watched some of it with me, he asked “Why is it called Apocalypse Now?” and I tried to come up with an answer. I’ve seen the whole thing now, and I’m not even really clear on that one point.
Let alone the point of the movie.
It’s really “artistic”, definitely interesting, but … yeah. I don’t get it.
Then again, I don’t really understand the modern medical industry either, leading me to not go to doctors, ever. I so much can’t wrap my mind around it that I am paralyzed with lengthy anxiety attacks just trying to figure out what, if any, medical insurance option I should choose at work. I mean, I can see the words in front of me describing the plans, this is this, that is that, you pay this much and if you need this service it’s covered this percent, except that in addition to paying your monthly fee, you pay a co-pay for everything, plus if it’s the beginning of the year you pay the regular fees as well, up to your “deductible” and then maybe you get help, but maybe you just get referred to another doctor and you start paying fees again? And this plan gives you more managed care and that one gives you more doctors to choose from and these give you a little bit of coverage before you have to get into the whole “deductible” debacle… and I can read those options, but I can’t figure out which I might want, because I don’t understand what my relationship with the medical industry is supposed to be like.
My family never had insurance, couldn’t really afford doctors and in addition to that, seems prone to self-medicating and hypochondria. So when we got sick we got fluids and bedrest and then better, if anything. Myself, when I get symptoms other than plain jane pain, I mostly just ignore them – I pay attention enough that if anything doesn’t get better after a week, or gets seriously worse very quickly I don’t overlook it and die, but not much else. Like right now I have a teeny bit of soreness in my throat when I swallow. So I’ll try to get plenty of sleep tonight. Maybe take some extra ascorbic acid.
Am I supposed to go see a doctor every time I get more than a tickle in the back of my throat? Is that a normal thing to do? What about my sleep apnea, tinitis, high heart rate, shallow breathing, and poor circulation? What about my weight problem? Or my dandruff and itchy scalp? Or the frequent pain in some of my joints, me left knee in particular? Or my daily back pain? Or the occassional pain I seem to get from repetitive stress in my wrists if I don’t keep them active in more ways than just typing and mousing? Or my gastrointestinal difficulties? What about my mood swings? What about my frequent, often debilitating anxiety attacks and general difficulty with stress? How often should I be going to see a doctor? How small of a problem is enough to get a professional involved?
And if we come up with an answer to that question, then will we know which medical insurance option is right for me?
I don’t get it, so I just ignore it mostly. Take pain relivers when I can’t or don’t want to work through pain. Take relora to help handle the extremes of my stress. Try not to think about any of it too much. Except then these Benefits meetings come around, and I don’t know what to do or say or think or ASK, and I try to figure it out and I get stressed out.
There’s a number around here somewhere, a free benefit for handling a variety of personal problems privately. So if one were depressed, one could call the number and get connected to a professional that specializes in treating depression, and the first three sessions with the professional on each individual incident is included for free without ever contacting your employer. If you need more than three sessions, payment options can be worked out confidentially. They can also help with other issues, such as budgeting, general counseling, supposed to be most anything, they can get you in touch with the professional you need. This paragraph was setup for the next line:
Every time I try to figure out about the medical industry and what medical insurance option I should choose, I get so stressed out that I consider calling the number to talk to an anxiety counselor about my total ignorance re: how/why/when to use doctors and select insurance.
So, that’s that for now. I don’t get it.
And unfortunately for those of you who read this far (or just scrolled down) to find the small panda, there is, in fact, no panda.