218? 218?

My weight is going up. And up. And up.

I’ve been … I hate to say ‘depressed’ because of the way people react to that word, but … I’ve been depressed for a long enough while, but …

Well, a few weeks ago I got my tax return money deposited into my account. And … And after paying my bills for the month of March and making sure I had money to make it through most of April, too, I saw I had a little extra money for the first time in a long time.

And I started to spend it.

I started buying ice cream and cookies and candies and crackers and chips. I started buying CDs and DVDs. I started spending my own money on hardware to improve a home that is not my own, because the landlord wasn’t doing it fast enough. I started going to the movies. Things that … in one way or another help comfort me and make me feel better.

Things I couldn’t afford before, and which may have been mistakes to spend on… if this furniture I’ve been working on doesn’t sell soon enough. See, I’m only good until the last week of April, when a bill comes due… and I can cover that with the old Peter=>Paul routine, but then in the first week of May several other bills come due, and ol’ Peter’s wallet’ll run dry before they’re all paid. Which, if any one of the larger items sell, or a couple of smaller ones, is fine. I’ll be more than covered. My bills aren’t that big. No mortgage, no utility bills, just the debt payments created by a little overspending followed by a long unemployment. Oh, and I bought that Bowflex about 7 weeks before I lost my job (that is, about a week after the 6-week return period ended) on credit, and I’m paying that off, too. Just another three and a half years at this rate.

Anyway, the idea there was supposed to be that because of my … emotional spending, my emotional eating … if this furniture thing doesn’t work out before the end of April, at least a little, I won’t be able to make it.

Lots of time, of course, for things to go right.

Silly hope there, shining through as best it can, saying that things are going to go well. Despite the almost overwhelming depression, the feeling that nothing can go right, that I’m destined to be an eternal failure, it’s always there. But it usually doesn’t win me over when I get this bad, just … keeps me from total darkness.

Anyway, my weight is going up. That’s not something I’m happy about. It shouldn’t be. If I’d been working out, like I keep … intending to … then the weight gain might have something to do with building muscle. But I keep not working out. Like, I didn’t work out but once between when the rod broke and the replacement arrived. I should have worked out today, but didn’t. I should work out tomorrow… I hope I do. Maybe it’ll get me into the shower.

That’ll be a pretty good “to do” list to start the day. How about I wake up, drink a high-protein shake, do two days worth of exercizes (to make up for today), take a shower, dry off, get on some clean clothes, check my email and site and … and then face the day. Tomorrow is also supposed to be bible study. I plan to attend, even though we’ll be going over verses I studied in depth weeks ago … if we get to verses at all. I think it’s a good idea to attend. And in between, talk to Becky about taking some of the stuff from the store, and then packing up the rest. And at some point, I really ought to do the last bit of sanding on the third leg for the coffee table, blow out and glue together the top of my small table, and put yet another coat on my current project. Yeah. Not too ambitious. At least it doesn’t have anything about writing or painting or drawing or any other creative things on it. Those things are just a little too hard to try to do in this state of mind.


I seem to be going nocturnal… and it feels like it’s to avoid my dad. Some days I try to wake up before or around noon, and it goes okay for a while… and then I cross paths with my dad, and all I want to do is go crawl back into bed, or into a hole in the ground, and disappear. Today was not the first (or second) time this month I’ve gone back to bed after only a couple of hours awake. Except I don’t seem to be doing too well in the “get back to work after dad gets to bed” department. Theoretically I could have finished that third leg tonight, or finished packing everything, or something. Something instead of … what did I do? I made comments on FYTH pay-only. I uhh… I read about the introduction of Jedi into SW:G, and how it went … quite wrong for a lot of people who … had different expectations from the developers about what the Jedi experience should be. I … made this post … I … ate and ate and ate … and now I’m going to bed, I suppose.

Damn, if I didn’t forget about some bible study I wanted to do before bible study this week. I wonder if I’ll get to it. It’s not crucial; as I said, I covered what we’re working on directly. There’s just some supplemental reading I wanted to do. Some things to look up. I’ll still want to look them up tomorrow. I did look one thing up. Even with ASU’s new, raised and raised again tuition, Southwest College (a bible college) costs more per semester. But there are some bible colleges out there that offer full tuition scholarships to all their students… Still, I think that by the time I get to going to bible college I’ll have money, and will be able to select the best school for me. Could be a while.

And now, to attempt sleep before the dawn. Trying to think motivating, pro-exercize thoughts as I drift off…

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